About Settling Down

I was stuck trying to complete my FSA task to analyze a bank's cash flow when I decided to open my Facebook page.

Nothing seems interesting before I saw a baby picture with a friend of mine tagged on it...

She was a close friend of mine, she was indeed beautiful. I remember she was the first one who got period on our class (so?). She was ambitious-yes, she WAS. She was on our top 10 or probably even top 5 on my class. Who knows that she will be giving birth on such a young age?

Then again, 21 is not really considered young. It's not teen pregnancy or something, a lot of people gave birth their first born on early twenties. But still! I am shocked by the fact that it just feel like yesterday when we both playing on the schoolyard, waiting our dads to pick us up.

I remember she was good at dancing. I always wanted to be on her team whenever dance lesson begins. She seems like having it all; good at academics, knows how to dance, beautiful. Who knows that the one I knew so close decided to settling down in such a young age? I remember I once envy her for being so close with the teacher-another ability I will never have. She was so ambitious and driven. What makes her settling down?

Then again I remember, we might not have the same pace anymore. When I am here stuck with all my assignments, she probably also staying up all night; changing her daughter's diaper or waking up feeding her. Same difference, huh?

It makes me wonder, not just an hour ago, I am having a phone conversation with some guy which I know I have no future with. Then I am flirting with one of my so-called-victim, when on the other chat room, I was having a good conversation with another boy. In fact, I am happy that I still have a lot of option to observe, but the question is: until when?

I used to want to settle on a young age-I still do by the way. But seeing that it's so close, with a lot of my friend married or even having children makes me wonder, do I really want to tie a knot now? I want to be selfish. I want to explore myself and explore the world. I know, exploring the world would be more fun with someone by your side. But do you really want to rush things out? This is the people that you will spent the rest of your life with that I'm talking about.

I guess it just the matter of the people, then. If tomorrow when I wake up, the love of my life asked me if I want to marry him, without blinking an eye, I will absolutely say yes...

Well maybe not.... I  mean, he disappear and hurt me for what it feels like forever. But I sure will give him a second chance trying to proof his worth. The point is, I will not waste so much time because I know I will always want him and I always feel like he is the one who could dance with the demon inside of me.

I can't imagine being married right now. No matter how many times I complained, I actually enjoyed being in college, really. I have a lot of time to make mistakes-which is fine. And again, I have a lot of option. I still want to see what the world has to offer...

In less then 3 months I will enter the age where I said I want to be married. Then I have a full year to met the guy I want to be married to-which is nearly impossible. Even so, do I really want to be with someone who I just knew for a short period of time.

And, oh! A couple days ago, I had a dream that I was dijodohin and I am married. So absurd right? But the dream was soooo real... I don't know who he is but in my dream, I feel so comfort and I believe that even though we are dijodohin, I know that he will try his best to make me happy-if that makes any sense!

This whole marriage thing scares me sometimes. I see a lot of people who once vowed to be together and seems so in love decided to give it a call. As a hopeless romantic, I wanna scream, really???

I found this and I think it makes sense

Everybody said it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work everyday with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the "feeling of love" has vanished or faded and they weren't happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.
The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication; chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.
The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.I understood why  arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments.
I've never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I've chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to find something to adore even on the ugliest days. I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they choose to look until they find them again.

I am not worried anymore. As long as I found someone who wants to keep the commitment, I have no fear. I am tired of chasing love. Being in love is something, but the comfort and the certainty is what I'm looking for right now. If I'm lucky enough to have it all, then I'm a happy girl :))

0

I can't take it anymore

I am completely aware that my problem-or else, what I consider as problem-is nothing compared to others. But the thing is, it bothers me so much. Sure I can do so much when the sun rise to distract my mind from the wandering thinking-but this time at night when you just lying on the bed doing nothing, that, is when it hurts so bad.

I can't even talk about it because it so personal. Besides, talking about this particular problems outloud makes me feel like I have already surrender to them. That is the last thing on earth that I wanted to do.

I may seem careless, I may seem like I didn't think much about it, or maybe it seems like I don't know about the problem. I heard both sides. I think I am old enough to distinguish which part of the story is true and make sense. I am trying so hard to be neutral, to only hear from both sides, when really, all I wanna do is sit them both and make them talk honestly about how they feel and how they want others to be.

I never surpasses any information to each  of them. I just heard. But tonight is the night that I lose it all. I really miss my mom and dad and even I miss Saktut. I feel so bad to her because she is just on her own right now. The thing with me and my brother is, we had our moments together. And we both growing up and growing apart at the same time, so once we've grown, we come back and missed nothing. Unlike my sister who 6-years apart from me, I feel like we have so much to catch on.

Not to mention my mom. She always cleans the mess-literally and figuratively. Her anxiety sometimes just too much, but I think that's just how you're going to be when so much thing put on the top of your shoulders. The least I can do is to study hard and behave.

And then my dad. I always respect and agree with his thinking. So does his decisions. Until lately, I think something is blurring his sight. I cannot get the idea of why he take certain decisions when I know, the dad who was born under the same sign as I am, will never consider, let alone decided such decisions. I completely get that he's underpressure, he's not in the good position to please everyone. That's the thing; he choose to please the wrong people.

This post might be confusing and it really picture how I feel right now. I am so confused and really, I have no one to talk. I have nobody who will understand exactly how painful it is. So bear with me. My only entertainment is shopping. This is the reason why I shop a lot. Not entirely an excuse, but by buying myself an expensive "gift" I feel like I could make myself better by having the things that they couldn't afford, in small return to what they've had taken away from me: my HA P P I N E S S.

I know it's so wrong, I am completely aware of that. But please just let me be, before I lose all of my sanity.

And please pray that I will not lose myself in the process, that I will never flip out one day and throw it all in the wrong way because I know I am better than that. 

One thing that I love more than my self is my family. Oh, and I am dying to kill (like literally beat and kill the hell out of them) the people who mess with us. Why do you think I'm not returning home for this semester break? I don't think I have the strength to hold myself the way I used to be and I'm afraid that what I could possibly do might upset my dad. I love him too much that I'd rather drown myself in tears. I also don't want my mom to take the blame for what I could possibly done because whatever I do, I'm consciously aware of the consequences.

Why do my mom and dad thinks of my sudden crying at the couple last days of my last homecoming? It's because I can't hold it anymore, I am so sick of the way they treated us. But explaining the reasons to my parents and indirectly said that I am giving up to them, hell no. I'd rather took my dad's anger and keep silent.

It is true that the one who laugh at the recehest jokes, the one who always tried to make everyone else laughing, is the one who aches the most. Well, that's so egocentric if I said I am hurt the most. But one thing for sure, I am trying really hard to make sure that everybody is laughing because I know it's a hard thing to do-especially these days.

My mom was wrong, I don't have a strong heart. I burst myself to cry most nights. But if crying is what it takes to be stronger, then please just let me cry tonight. I promise I will be okay by tomorrow.

0

Stable

Kemaren gue nemuin account ask.fm seorang wanita pebisnis yang W0w banget cerita hidupnya.

Okay, maybe I just saw her highlight; I don't really know how she actually live her life or how she accomplished things that she has now. But the point is, reading to her answers make me think, that life is hard (and I am one jealous bitch).

She is (if I'm not mistaken) 25 years old yet she already has a lot type of business, investment, achievement, you name it. Not to mention she now has a boyfriend who is handsome and hardworker and all the shiny-gliterry things which makes you hate your life even more. She gained popularity and what makes me even more jealous is that she is so classy about it; sama sekali ga keliatan alay atau gimana. Yes, sometimes she answered to the question a little bit arrogant but hey, those anons deserve arrogant answers!

Gue jadi mikir. Hidup ini susah. I mean financially, especially now when my family's financial condition is not as good as it used to be. No, we're not broke, since we never really filthy rich anyway, but yeah, we do struggling a little bit.

Or maybe it's just me, realizing that I am such a snobby little bitch who has a very high maintanance (recently) and I am thinking that I will never get enough. On my recent call with my dad, he told me that there is no such thing as "cukup".  I guess he's right.

Anyway, that girl I am talking earlier made me realize, life semands us to have so many things to be safe and settle; insurance, investment. We have to have insurance to minimize risk that may occur in the future by transferring the future risk into the present time (yet I still don't understand why I got 54 for my FM subject). Not only health insurance, but also education insurance as well. Who knows how many certification that I want to take in the future? 

Second is investment. We have no idea how the economic will be doing the next couple of years. We don't know how much we will generates with all the rumours about pemotongan tunjangan and stuff. We really cannot rely on just one thing. Not to mention about property investment aka future house. I am still that kind of person who thinks that it's not a house if it doesn't stick to the ground. Do you know how much it cost for a metre in Jakarta? I don't. I don't wanna know either because it scares me to d e a t h. I am scared that I will be living in kosan/kontrakan for the rest of my life. Iya kalo tinggal sendiri, at least I'm suffering alone. But I'm not dragging my future child(ern) into the mess I made.

Not to mention about their education. I want to provide the best. My parents always told me that education is number one. They always make a way when it comes to me and my siblings' education. I want to provide my childern the best education that they could have, not the one that I could only afford.

Just thinking about those things gives me shivers.

The older I get, the more I questioned about my dream to be married so young. Will I ever be ready?

I used to dream about a magical wedding. Now I don't anymore, unless I am marrying this country's richest son/grandson. I am thinking that the money could be used for a downpayment for our house. Damn, for a second I am thinking just to have a ceremonial wesding-without ANY kind of reception. But I think that's impossible tho.

Kenapa daritadi gue ga sedikit pun ngomong tentang calon suami? Gue ga mau berharap terlalu banyak. Iya kalau dia dari keluarga kaya 7 turunan, kalau engga? Kerjaan apa sih jaman sekarang bisa bikin bener2 safe, selain mafia? Hell as long as I'm sane, I am not marrying a mafia LOL. Sekeras apapun dia (dan gue) kerja, kalau kita bener-bener mulai dari 0, it will be hard as fudge. Kalau dia sama seperti gue, meaning that I cannot life the live I wanted to be; saving my money just for me. I have to contribute to the family too. I don't know..I'm still too selfish to think that I won't use my money to buy a new Prada bag every month, or spending the holiday to Europe.

Damn, I cannot imagine how hard it is to be my mom. Mama berkorban bertahun-tahun buat mengalah demi kesenangan anak-anaknya. I guess I'm just that selfish huh?

0

Your Number

I was reading about ten signs how i know i still love you even when i tell myself i dont;

When one of them sound like this, "i still know your number at heart"

I never knew until just know, that I can fluently tell his phone number without even trying hard

And that is the moment that I knew

I am so messed up.

0

Observant

It's 1 am in the morning and I have a morning class in about six and a half hour.

So, malam ini aku lagi baca-baca blog karena awalnya gak bisa tidur. Sampai pada akhirnya aku menemukan sebuah kata.

OBSERVANT

Apa itu observant? Observant is someone who is good at noticing things, or someone who follows the rules and requirements of a particular religion. A person who always spots when you get a new haircut or a new outfit is an example of someone who is observant. (based on google). Jadi ingat sekitar 2 tahun yang lalu, waktu lagi ada acara gathering gitu, seorang "atasan" aku di organisasi itu cuma duduk dipojokan. Dia gak join ke grup manapun, padahal pada waktu itu, acara lagi rame banget! Ada yang akustikan, ada yang main games, atau mungkin cuma sekedar ngobrol in a small group of people. Lalu aku mikir, "ini orang introvert banget dah." and I started to wonder, what pictures did he get after observing the whole room?

Lalu pada suatu kesempatan, aku lupa lagi ngapain, tapi kalo gak salah dia kaya nanya gitu ke semua anggota, gimana impression kita setelah beberapa lama kerja bareng dia. Satu hal yang aku paling inget dari dia yaitu pada saat gathering itu. A little bit weird to see someone being alone in a room full of people. Masalahnya, aku tau bener, dia bukan orang nerd yang gak bisa gaul ngobrol sama semua orang. He could, he just didn't want to.

On my turn, I said that he's an observant. And he asked, "tau darimana?", aku bilang aja aku pernah ngegap dia lagi merhatiin semua orang waktu gathering. Surprisingly, he said, "berarti lo sama aja kaya gue San, suka merhatiin orang"

Iya sih... Maybe that is the reason why I like to go out by my own, so that I can observed thing more. I like to pay attention on the little detail. (but I never said that I am a detail-oriented person on my CV because.....lol long story) That is why, when things went wrong or it doesn't go the way it used to be, aku cepet banget ngehnya. Maybe I'm not the only one who has the ability, but I rarely see one. Contohnya: aku suka suspicious kalo barang di kamar berpindah, atau aku suka cepet tau kalo misalnya the person I'm talking to via text is not the real person. Get it? Misalnya lagi chatingan sama pacar, tapi ternyata yang bales adiknya, I'll know right away. Why? Maybe as my senior said, I am an observant.

Is it bad to be an observant? Not really. I mean, there is no perks of being one yet I haven't experienced the downside either. But I am enjoying it. I enjoy watching people; especially that. Human being is amazing. Maybe this is the reason why my pshycotest result when I was on 10th grade suggest me to take humanities study as my preference. I wonder what life would bring me if I take humanities study as my major. Probably I'll end up as an anthropologist one day. 

Well, what do I know...

0

Reminder

disaat aku mengeluh
tolong ingatkan
ada orang yang bermimpi
untuk dapat merasakan
rasanya berjalan diatas sepatuku

disaat aku ingin menyerah
tolong ingatkan
bahwa dulu
aku pernah berdoa siang malam
aku pernah belajar pagi sore
untuk mendapat kursi yang kududuki sekarang

disaat aku lupa bersyukur
tolong ingatkan
bahwa manusia
tidak bisa menjadi yang terbaik dalam segala hal



dalam hamparan materi uts-



Sandya

0

Unimportant Rant

Entah kenapa, akhir-akhir ini gue ngerasa kesulitan buat menulis.

Mau itu nulis curhatan, nulis review, nulis tugas-terutama ini, hehe. Gue either gak tau mau ngomong apa, atau bahkan terlalu banyak ngomong hal ga penting yang jumping from one topic to another that I eventually found I even went too far from what I've talked on the beginning. Tapi untuk postingan kali ini, no matter how messed it will be, gue udah bertekad bakal ngepost!

Mulai dari mana ya...

H-5 UTS, dan sumpah no saitrep, no sepik, tapi ini UTS teeeeeeersantai seantero 4 semester gue kuliah disini. Siap? Ya disiapin aja sih. Whatever happened, itulah karma gue selama 8 minggu kuliah kemarin. Lagipula gue udah ada plan buat "kabur" setelah UTS, which is pergi ke Bandung s e n d i r i a n :) Sebenernya awal gue mikir mau ke Bandung, gue bingung banget sih. Mau numpang di tempat si Katty dan jalan sama doi, eh ternyata doi bakal sibuk UAS. Mau numpang di tempat sepupu, duh gak enak banget :") Mau ngajak temen kampus buat bareng, sebenernya lagi pengen ngansos dan pergi sebentar dari rutinitas-temen kampus juga dianggap rutinitas ya. Tapi kalo sendirian banget, terus siapa yang fotoin????? (teteup) Akhirnya setelah banyak bingung gue nekat aja pesen tiket kereta. Setelah fixed, baru deh menghubungi Bhuaya cabang Bandung. Semoga mereka gak ada kegiatan mendadak deh, pas gue kesana.

Lalu karena mikir kayanya enak banget pergi sendiri, gue jadi pengen lagi..... (padahal belum ngerasain)

Tiba-tiba, I found myself searching for plane ticket for the semester break. Gue gak bakal pulang libur semester ini karena (1) liburnya cuma 2 minggu, dan (2) udah keterima jadi PanWis. Awalnya mau merealisasikan trip ke Berau tapi hmmm gue sekarang lebih tertarik ke Belitung. Setelah liat-liat itinerary open trip yang cocok, sepertinya gue memutuskan buat ke Belitung pake agent aja, soalnya gue sendiri banget dan belum pernah kesana. Ya pasti agak mahal sih, tapi gue males juga kalo ngajak temen. Belum ribetnya, belum ngeluh "M A H A L" yaelaah bro makanya nabung keleushzx.

Entah kenapa gue gak pernah pelit sama yang namanya liburan. Hell. Gue gak pernah pelit sama diri sendiri HAHAHAHAHA. Gue rela hemat selama berbulan bulan kalau udah ada target mau liburan. Gue gak pernah minta tambahan kalo mau liburan karena gue sadar kalo itu bukan kebutuhan utama. Jadi yah, mesti ngirit nonton, hedon, dan makan enak kalau mau liburan.

Ngomong-ngomong hedon....

As you might know (kayanya sih engga, karena gue belum cerita), jadi gue sebulan ini ngasi les. Maksudnya sih duitnya mau dibeliin tas tapi apa daya ternyata duitnya cuma seperempat harga tasnya bro yawlaa pedih dah pas dapet duit. (I know I sound ungrateful but yeah that's me uh sorry not to sorry) Huh tau gitu mah sekalian dirajinin apa engga sekalian gak usah aja. Tapi gue jadi tau susahnya nyari duit dan jadi lebih menghargai duit??? Lol gue kayanya tetep boros sih :") Lalu minggu kemarin gue ke Sephora dan iseng nyoba fondationnya Marc Jacobs dan ASTAGFIRULLAHHHH langsung naksir. Terus sekarang mikir apa duitnya buat itu aja yak. Dan gue nyesel kenapa nyobain huhu jadi tau kan bagusnya gimana. Tapi kalo yang ini sepertinya masih bisa ditahan karena sayang belinya mahal tapi gue masih belum sering make, takutnya malah kebuang gara-gara kadaluarsa. Nanti aja deh kalo udah ngantor di Lapangan Banteng AMIIIIINNNNNN

Btw, mama bakal kesini hari sabtu. Ini kunjungan beliau ketiga kalinya dalam sebulan. Not that I complaining, but....I am nervoused about something that my mom has been doing....sebenernya what I've been doing juga sih. Disaat seperti ini gue sadar masih sangat kurang berdoa dan ngerasa malu deh kalo lagi sembahyang dan punya niatan buat minta ini-itu. Belum lagi nanti pas minggu ujian pasti frekuensi sembahyang gue melonjak drastis. Duh, malunya :(

Dan sekarang gue bingung. Gimana caranya dapet duit. Liat temen-temen punya bisnis online jadi pengen. Tapi gue gak mau jadi agent MLM, bukannya apa-apa, gue orangnya gak tegaan dan gak bisa persuasif. Mau jualan sesuatu, gak tau mulainya gimana. Alasan. If there is a will, there is a way, Sand. Emang lah gue anaknya males, kerjaannya skip mulu hadeeeuuu shame on meh.

Tuh kan, I didn't even try to elaborate this particular post. I am confuse about how it turn to be and I suddenly want to discard it. Engga, engga gue udah janji buat ngepost ini dan I am a woman of her promise. So yeah enjoy reading my unimportant rant about......I don't even know what this post is about :')

luvs-

Sandya

0

To Love or To Be Loved

Jadi, kemarin gue abis ngobrol sama seorang teman.

Pas lagi makan, tiba-tiba dia menyodorkan sepenggal pertanyaan yang gak pernah gue sangka bakal keluar dari dia. 

"Kalo lo disuruh milih, mending pilih orang yang suka sama lo, atau orang yang lo suka?"

Gue bukannya gak pernah berfikir tentang jawaban atas pertanyaan diatas, tapi butuh waktu buat gue mikir apa jawaban yang tepat.

Gue jawab pertanyaan itu dengan pertanyaan, "Lo mau jawaban yang bagus, atau jawaban berdasarkan apa yang gue selalu lakukkan?"

Dulu kalo ada orang yang nanya pertanyaan yang sama, tanpa berfikir panjang gue bakal jawab, "orang yang suka sama gue, lah!" Tapi ternyata jawaban gue sama apa yang gue lakukan itu selalu berbanding terbalik. Gak terhitung berapa kali gue memilih orang yang gue suka dibading orang yang suka sama gue. I used to choose the one who loves me, hoping that one day I can learn to love him back. I used to so fed up not being love in return. I just wanted to be loved back for once. Eventually, I always found myself on the same alternate ending: I ended up hurting the one who loves me. 

I chose the wrong people and he made me feel ignored long enough, 

and I guess it's just nice to feel special sometimes.

But I am so used to being mistreated that I find it confusing 

when someone is being overly sweet to me.

Orang bilang kita bisa belajar mencintai seiring berjalannya waktu. Tapi gue gak pernah bisa. Either I can't or I won't; I don't really know. Dulu gue selalu mikir kalo gue capek selalu jadi yang suka, terkadang gue pengen juga suka sama orang. Tapi pada akhirnya, I found myself doing the same thing over and over again. I am good at loving someone, even better doing it on distance and under the shadow. Gue gak bakal bisa jadi orang yang ekspresif, saying I love you every darn minutes. Instead, I will make sure that I provide him everything he needs: love, affection, ease, you name it. Gue gak pernah ragu going big kalo udah suka sama orang. Their happiness>>>>Mine. I always make sure that people don't have to go through what I went through.

Lalu gue curhat in a brief tentang si Sassy. Dia nanya lagi,

X: Lo tuh kangen sama orangnya atau sama kenangannya?

S: Ya kangen sama orangnya lah

X: Daritadi lo cerita, lo cuma bilang kenangan-kenangan kalian doang, gimana baiknya perlakuan dia ke lo. Gak ada tuh, lo bilang kalo lo emang kangen dia karena dia. Sekarang gue tanya, kalo misalnya dia balik lagi ke lo tapi dia ga sebaik dulu, apa lo masih bisa bilang sayang sama dia?

Well, that hits me. I thought I still love him. I just love him because he treated me like no one ever was. I think I miss being treated with love and respect. Not to mention my guilt for letting a good man like him slips away from my finger, once again just for the people who I love.

Lately I've been worried so much. What if I cannot get over the Love of My Live? Do I still need to hold onto him?

Dari dulu, gue selalu menyerahkan decision seperti ini kepada universe. Gue selalu bikin skenario dimana kalau misalnya (insert event/condition here) berarti memang gue ditakdirkan dengan si Love of My Life. Atau misalnya, disaat gue udah determined banget buat move on, dia tiba-tiba datang kembali, and that-I refer as a warning call. Belakangan gue tau kalo gue susah move on dari dia, karena gue emang gak mau move on dari dia. Gue selalu mencari alasan dan pembenaran atas apa yang gue lakukan. I've read plenty formula about how long it takes to move on-quotes, internet, movies, books-all of them! Padahal move on itu, hanya perkara mau dan tidak saja. The moment you decide it's over, it's over.

9 tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar. I've tried so many ways. Katanya langkah pertama move on itu adalah memaafkan. I forgive him for what he did to me a long time ago. But I can't get him out of my heart. Katanya kalau mau move on itu kita harus buang semua hal yang mengingatkan kita tentang dia, which I did a year ago. Turns out it only lasts for a year. Lalu setelah sekarang dia muncul lagi, apa yang tersisa dari dia yang masih bisa aku buang lagi? And this is people's favourite-katanya kalau mau move on itu harus ada penggantinya. This is the reason why I keep hurting innocent people for the sake of my clarity-or I thought so because all of them still cannot replaced him.

My mom used to hate him so much. From "kalau bisa sih jangan sama dia" until "gak boleh sama dia". Recently, that escalated into "Kalau Sakdek emang jodohnya sama dia, mama bisa apa." Belum lagi Kiki, who is the living proof of the drama. Tiba-tiba dia bilang "yaudah balikan aja sama dia kan hot property tuh" she used to against the idea of me and him together because she and God knows how awful the thing he's done to me. Kalau lagi-lagi gue menyerahkan hal sebesar ini ke universe, apa bedanya gue yang sekarang dengan gue yang dulu? Bukannya manusia harusnya berubah, ya?

Btw, intermezo of what Kiki refers as hot property. Well, gue emang anaknya visioner abis ya. Ibarat investment, gue tau item mana yang bakal booming and make me rich on the future LOL

To sum up and answer the first question pooped by my friend,

I think I should answer that with this,

"to be loved is a blessing, to love is a choice. And I love to have choices in my live"

0

I am Scared

I am scared because
You were my first everything
My first time
My first love
My first heartbreak.

You were my best friend,
My lover
My favorite what-if
Hell
You were the fucking blood in my veins for what felt like forever

I keep wishing to forget you
But I am scared
How one day my kids are going to ask me
What it's like to be in love
For the first time

And your face will pop into my head
I am scared
I will never escape this
No matter how much people say time heals

-Phospheous-

0

The Stress Awakens?

Akhir-akhir ini sering banget ngeliat postingan foto dibawah yang dipajang di Timeline LINE.

I think the universe is somehow conspire against me.

Or just it simply want to remind me that, I've wasted one year of my life so that I have to work harder now?

No, that one year I spent was never wasted. I learned a lot. Even though if someone ever asked me, "do you regret your decision to start over from the beginning at where you are now?" Honestly, I would never be able to answer the question.

Sometimes I wish I keep continue my study there. But there are times when I am being gratefull being able to study at the place which many still believe as the best place to study Economy in the country.

But this time at my life...when just this morning, two of my high school friends sent me a link and ask me to fill a questionnaire for their thesis research. When a bunch of my friends struggling with KTTA, when most of them post the exact same picture at my timeline, when they feel the stress at the sixth semester (trust me, I feel "stress" here in every exams)

I just feel a little.....backward? Just look at me now. Achieve-less, had nothing to be proud of, still making my way out of the fourth semester.

Not only wasting a year off, I also graduate with a diploma degree instead of a bachelor degree. It really ruins my timeline plan and used to bother me sooo much. But I've learn to let it go and try to do my plan one step at a time.

Every time I was worried about my future or when I start to seem regreting my decision, my father always remind me that this is just only a matter of time and which thing we prioritize. Most of my friends pursue a bachelor degree to find work while I am here,-if everything runs smoothly-have to work so that I can continue my study. Eventually, me and my friends will reach the same stage of life. Maybe not the same-at least we all have both education and job.

Speaking of which, I am already on the fifth week of the semester. As always, no uts vibe felt yet. No urge to study harder (hiks) maybe because I feel the pressure is not as hard as last semester even though everyone say that this is the highlight of my college years? I don't know.

Anyhoo, I really hope that I could make a redemption this semester. Last semester was a shame and I shall not make the same mistakes.

Wish me luck!-

Sandya

0

Once Upon A Time, I Feel Pretty

(((DISCLAIMER: this post contains a lot of narsistic content)))

Jadi kemarin abis liat artikel di Twitter, kurang lebih bunyinya begini:

Dikira Nikah karena Jalani Upacara Melukat, Nikita Willy Beda Agama dengan Pacar.

1. Judul artikel diatas gak nyambung banget asli. I don't study journalism so I don't know whether this is how they do business- but really, dua kalimat diatas ga ada relevansinya sama sekali. Mungkin judul yang lebih suitable bisa "Dikira nikah karena jalani upacara agama, NW memutuskan no comment" atau "Tidak mau ambil pusing, NW beda agama dengan pacar" (ok guys I know I am suck but dats not the point ok)

2. That article really tickled me. Jelas lah ga lama kemudian gue langsung memulai rambling rant di twitter yang which I know pointless, tapi lumayan buat ngeluarin tai di pikiran. Daripada ditahan jadi ambeien tho?

Kesensitivan gue masalah perbedaagamaan ini muncul karena sebuah background story. Gue abis didatangi oleh seseorang dari masa lalu yang dulu (sampe sekarang sih) membuat gue sangat percaya kalo religion has nothing to do with love. Satu statement yang gue sering katakan ke adik gue adalah, "Putus karena beda agama itu nonsense. Kalo udah tau perbedaan agama itu bakal jadi masalah, kenapa masih dilanjutin sampe pacaran?"

Setelah minggu lalu gue dichat sama-ehem, sebut saja si sassy- gue jadi membuat skenario A-Z tentang apa yang sebenernya terjadi, kenapa dia ngechat gue, kemungkinan apa yang bakal terjadi, dan bagaimana gue harus bertindak terkait dengan kemungkinan-kemungkinan tersebut. I know right! I pulled typical Sandya-overthinking. Padahal nothing happend. Bukannya gue sendiri yang selalu pengen temenan sama orang yang pernah memimpikan satu atap yang sama, walaupun gagal? Bukannya gue sendiri pernah bilang kalo gue cukup dijadikan teman asalkan hubungan kita baik-baik aja? Then why do I crave for more? Manusia~

Couple days later I talked to my mom. Seperti biasa gue ceritain semua yang ada dipikiran dan perasaan gue: gimana gue sekarang jadi berharap; gimana gue sebenernya takut untuk berharap karena sekalinya gue mikir ada chance even only 0.00000001%, gue bakal tetep kekeuh dan percaya there will be a miracle; gimana gue sekarang gak mau make a move just because I am not ready and I am afraid to do the same mistakes I've done.

Intinya, kalo gue mau balikan sama dia, I have to be fully-armoured. No mistakes gaps, no third chance. I blew this, then I am done. Dan gue ngerasa belum siap untuk itu semua.

I learned the hard way that you should love when you're ready. I know you've heard such cliché before, tapi itu bener. Gue ngerasa sekarang lagi gak siap aja. Recently gue abis dikecewakan, lalu belakangan ini entah kenapa gue kalo deket sama orang bawaannya ga percayaan (kayanya sih dari dulu Sand) dan bawaannya pengen main-main aja. Gue juga ngerasa sekarang bukan waktunya buat pacaran. Hell, gue bosen pacaran. Gue juga pernah bilang sama si Sassy-entah dia inget apa engga- kalo gue mau dia jadi pacar terakhir gue. Meaning that, kalopun gue ga sama dia, at least the next person I'll be married to ga bakal merasakan fase pacaran sama gue. Buat apa juga? Nambah dosa aja (alasan)

Itulah kenapa gue selalu bilang kalo gue ga nyari pacar; gue carinya calon suami.

"Terus Sand, gimana caranya dapet suami kalo ga pacaran?"

.....*exhales heavily* please don't get me started....

Karena imajinasi gue yang sangat liar, baru dichat basa-basi sekali doang gue udah mulai mikirin lagi dong gimana kalo pada akhirnya gue sama dia. Gue mikir gimana caranya cheating sama govt policy tentang nikah beda agama tanpa gue atau dia harus pindah agama. Ya. Gue masih seegois itu. Pasti kalian heran kan kenapa gue pengen nikah muda. Bahkan mungkin kalian mikir, "ni bocah tau apaan sih"

Gue sendiri udah bilang sama mama dan minta maaf kalopun akhirnya jadi (yha imajinasi gue emang sangat liar guys), gue minta maaf karena egois dan mementingkan perasaan sendiri diatas perasaan keluarga dan leluhur. Sebenernya gue tipe orang yang percaya banget sama leluhur. Entah kenapa gue merasa Tuhan gue ga bakal marah kalo gue nikah beda agama just because duh, Tuhan kan satu; tapi engga sama leluhur. Gue ngerasa durhaka banget dan gue sejujurnya takut ga dapet blessing in my life ahead kalo sampe gue durhaka sama leluhur. Ribet yha? Yha gt d~

Intinya sih sebenernya gue ga pernah tersirat sedikitpun buat pindah agama. I've seen a couple of my friends ' parents having different religions. Ada yang berhasil dan ada juga yang engga. Hey, bukannya begitu juga dengan pernikahan dengan agama yang sama?

Lalu tiba-tiba universe mengirimi gue sign. Diawali dengan pengen ganti foto Whatsapp, sampailah gue pada foto dibawah.

Call me narcissistic, tapi gue merasa cantik disitu. Bukannya apa, gue ngerasa gue cantik karena pake kebaya. Gue sadar, gue masih pengen sembahyang pake kebaya. Okelah kebaya itu baju nasional, tapi bukan itu maksudnya. Gue diingatkan kalo gue itu paling cantik kalo lagi pake kebaya-kalo lagi mau sembahyang. Universe is telling me that I should hold onto my religion till the day I die. 

Bukan. Saya bukan seorang fanatik. Saya juga sadar bahwa agama yang sekarang saya anut itu berasal dari orangtua saya. Tapi apa salahnya? Saya merasa so-called "agama orang tua saya" memberi saya kenyamanan dan ajarannya adalah hal yang saya selalu yakini benar dalam hidup saya.

Itulah kenapa kalau pada akhirnya nanti saya bersama dengan orang yang memiliki keyakinan berbeda-siapapun orangnya-saya tidak akan pernah memaksa dia meyakini apa yang saya yakini sekarang. Kalau dia memang yakin dengan agama saya, biarlah dia memilih karena perasaan dan keyakinannya sendiri, bukan karena cintanya kepada saya. Karena cinta saya bisa berkurang, tapi cinta Tuhan kepada dia tidak akan pernah berkurang. #PREACHHHH #SANDYARELIGIUS2016 lol

Walaupun gue bisa preaching sebagus tadi, gue tau ibadah gue masih sangat jauh dari sempurna. Biarlah dosa dan ibadah itu gue simpan sendiri ya, tapi gue selalu berusaha menjadi lebih baik setiap harinya dan gue selalu percaya percikan Tuhan yang paling kecil yang ada dalam Atman gue itu bakal selalu melindungi.

Ini rant sebebenernya cuma mau pamer foto doang sih. It's not instagram worthy tapi gue pikir pantas buat dipost. Jadi gue ngarang-ngarang cerita aja.

Lol

Kesel ga?

Enggak kok, semua yang diatas bener. Doain gue yang lagi otw memantaskan diri ini ya. Semoga bisa menjadi wanita kebanggaan keluarga dan negara (ini literally loh)

Titip sepenggal lirik buat si Sassy ya.

I wonder what would happened if we went back and put up a fight

Cause once upon a time you were my everything

It's clear to see that time doesn't change a thing...

Wish me luck-

Sandya

0

For Those Who Found Someone to Share Silence With

Jadi sebenernya jam 8an tadi gue buka laptop dan mencoba menulis skin care routine gue karena gue bertekad untuk mengurangi post yang menye menye just because I kinda sad looking at myself and it clearly potrayed certain images which probably I am not (or am I?)

Tapi akhirnya tadi jam 9 gue nyerah, karena terdistraksi handphone yang berujung akhirnya gue youtube-an. Akhirnya berhubung besok gue berencana untuk pergi pagi-pagi, jadilah gue menutup laptop untuk segera pergi ke alam mimpi.

Entah kenapa, gue juga lupa banget barusan abis mikir apa. Tapi tiba-tiba gue mikir...

Pernah ga sih lo ketemu orang yang get your silence and easily blend with it?

Susah juga ngebahasa Indonesia-in... Udah di-Inggris-in aja gue yakin pasti banyak yang ga ngerti.

Hmm... Gimana yah?

Pernah ga sih kalian ketemu orang yang bisa kalian ajak diem berjam-jam tapi dia bisa mengerti arti kediaman itu dab speak through the silence?

Buset makin ngawang aja omongan gue. Gimana speak kalo lagi silence dah..

Ketemu orang yang bisa diajak ngobrolin apa aja, kata gue mah gampang. Tapi ketemu orang yang ngerti sama diem kalian? Mungkin kalian ga ngerti karena belum pernah ngalamin. Unfortunately, I have.

Kenapa gue bilang unfortunate? Percayalah, saat kalian menemukan orang itu, s/he is the best chance to be the person you wanna spend your friggin whole life with. Unfortunate buat gue karena, I once found him, tapi sepertinya semesta tempat kami tinggal ini tidak mengijinkan kami untuk bersatu.

Gue bukan orang yang percaya sama alternate universe, tapi gue berharap, di semesta paralel itu, atau yang menurut kepercayaan gue, di kehidupan selanjutnya jalan kami ga cuma berpapasan, tapi bisa menjadi satu.

Sebagai hopeless romantic, typical dream daily date gue itu ya simple: pergi ke coffeeshop sambil baca buku. Mungkin kalian bakal bilang, "kalo kaya gitu mah lebih enak sendiri!"

At first, iya. By the time you've done it the zillionth time, you'll feel lonely eventually. Pada akhirnya gue ngerasa butuh ada seseorang yang gue sayang buat menemani gue melakukan apa yang gue suka. Ga masalah kalo nantinya gue mesti nemenin dia nonton bola yang-eventhough I'm pretty boyish, tapi it's the only boy thing yang gue sama sekali ga suka. I won't pretend I'll like it either. But believe me, I'll be next to you the entire game.

I just like the idea doing our favorite things together.

Being with somebody doesn't mean you have to exactly be like them, right? Kalo mau yang sama, kenapa gak pacaran sama diri sendiri aja?

Gue pernah ketemu 2 cowo yang mau nemenin ke coffeeshop. Satu orang (katakanlah gue geer abis) suka sama gue tapi gue dengan clear menunjukkan hal yang sebaliknya. Dia mau nemenin gue ke coffeeshop dan memaksa beli kopi padahal gue tau, dia gak suka kopi. Dia mau nungguin gue baca novel tapi sambil diliatin. Lah kan gue risih (harusnya romantis sih, but dohmer-dabler theory much eh?). Lagian gue juga tau, kalo gue ga bawa novel, kita ga bakal ngobrol. Bisa sih, but at some point, the convo will end with me being angry with something that he said. Really. Being with him was the unhealtiest so-called-relationship that I've ever had!

Satu lagi kebalikannya. Gue ga pernah nyoba bawa novel sih kalo pergi sama dia. Simply because I know, 8-9 hours will passed with us talking about pretty much anything. Nongkrong sampe mas/mbanya matiin lampu? Udah biasa! Kadang gue pengen juga gitu, ngopi sambil baca novel tapi disaat gue udah bosen, gue ngobrol sama dia. Atau disaat gue punya sudden thought tentang isi novelnya, gue bisa langsung share ke dia. Tapi ga bisa, waktu buat ngobrol aja tuh ga cukup kalo sama orang ini. Sekalian juga mau ngetes, ada ga sih orang yang gue bisa nyaman diem-dieman selain sama "dia"?

Well... Should I even mentioned his name?

He is the love of my life. Sepertinya akhir akhir ini alam bawah sadar gue sering banget mikirin dia. Kapan hari kayanya gue mimpiin dia, tapi ga tau juga sih. The kind of dream that you forgot one second it ends. Sebelum upload foto juga gue keinget foto terakhir yang dia upload beserta captionnya. Kaya....recently I've been missing him without I even know.

Anyway, dia itu dulu bisa nemenin gue belajar mtk selama berjam-jam tanpa protes. Dia juga bisa nemenin gue ngobrol berjam-jam. Dia udah tau setiap jam 9 malam gue ga bakal bisa diganggu karena lagi nonton Hannah Montana. Dia bisa duduk disebelah gue nungguin gue baca novel biarpun ga diwaro (which he knows the best kalo gue udah baca novem beuuuh, gempa juga ga kerasa). And....I know this is shoo cheesy....tapi gue tau kok dengan ngeliat mata gue aja dia bisa tau gue lagi kenapa. Vice versa.

Sekarang coba kasi tau gue, gimana caranya move on dari jenis yang begini...

Dia itu pretty much the reason I did everything on my life. Gue rajin belajar biar ga kalah sama dia. Gue sempat ga mau potong rambut bertahun-tahun karena dia suka cewe yang rambutnya panjang. (Don't get me started with diet) (fun fact: gue pernah kurus pas lagi pacaran sama dia-kelas 8-9 gitu). Gue masuk Forsma dan akhirnya ga masuk Unpad karena pengen jauh dari dia. Setiap hal yang gue lakuin bakal berujung ke pertanyaan yang sama:

"Dia bangga gak ya sama gue?"

Might be funny, or ridiculus, your call. Tapi gue lebih peduli pikiran dia daripada ortu gue....? I know it sounds dumb, shallow, pathetic, etc etc. But I've gained my parent's love already, right? Besides, I know they will be proud of me despite everything💕

Gue juga ga ngerti. Kadang gue ngerasa udah move on, kadang gue menemukan diri gue tiba-tiba keinget sama dia. Parahnya, belakangan gue sering halu menghayal gimana kalo akhirnya dia kembali. Bisakah gue maafin dia? Bisakah gue bertahan untuk tidak menerima dia kembali?

Kadang gue sebel. Disaat orang seumur gue dulu masih main bekel, gue udah jatuh cinta. Bukan cinta monyet jing, cinta beneran yang ga bisa move on bahkan sampe udah mau lulus kuliah. Kelar banget gak sih idup gue?

Nama dia sebenernya udah gak pernah lagi ada di doa gue selama setahun lebih belakangan. Tapi malam ini gue mau berdoa buat dia; semoga urusan skripsinya lancar dan bisa menjadi parent's pride biarpun gue tau he already has, semoga dia sehat dan selamat di rantauan sana, semoga dia bisa move on dari si itu-walaupun ga kembali sama gue juga, tapi yang penting dia bahagia.

Disaat gue tadi nanya, have you ever found someone who can understand your silence?

Percayalah, gue harap kalian segera menemukan dan disaat kalian ketemu...

Don't ever let go.

0

when you used to the feeling of....

2 am and a hell going on in my mind

I came to the clarity of the question why I let my self hanging into the love of my life for flippin years and be okay with it.

Because the second I decided to move on, I will allowed anyone else to enter my heart, doing whatever they wanted and yet have no control over it.

I hate being under somebody else's control. Who doesn't anyway?

And facing the choices, I'd rather be tortured by someone I know for such a long time before and once I knew ever loved me, with a hint of hope that someday, just maybe, he will do it again.

This is not a story of a heartbreak, no...

More likely a disappointment.

To my self, mostly. Because deep down i know that is purely my fault for letting my guard down and beaten by my own feeling. Having had myself prepared before, I wouldn't discover that disappoinment could distract me this bad.

I keep questioning myself; were I too confident? Does he giving me mixed signs? Have I off the market for too long? Did karma does all of these? Or am I simply just being naïve?

The thing that upsets me is that he did this first. He began to play with me. If only he left our relationship casual, I wouldn't grow feelings for him. I know. A friend of me said that it is still my fault, to become the first to lose, because in this kind of game, the one who first feel is the one who lose.

I dont mind losing to the one who deserve it, but he doesn't. He will never be.

Don't worry, I kinda used to the feeling of falling down and standing up by my own. I might not be okay now but in no time I will be. I always belive that in every heartbreak, on every closed doors, we're getting close to the right one. The one who will appriciate me and my feelings on the first place.

The question is;

What if I am afraid?

I've lost for so many time. I don't think I have the energy to get into the battlefield anymore.

I've been traumatized. Everytime I started to catch feelings, they turned around and decide that I am not worth loving.

I am tired. Of the heartbreaks; the never-ending drama; the emotional roller-coaster. I hated every early stage of relationship. Can I just move into the part where I live happily ever after without any twisted plot on my story?

Despite of my seemly-rage-rant, I always know that this is the third way of God answering my prayer; God told me to wait and will give me the best. I believe that God will never let me settle for the second best; that's a hell of a quote to live by.

So yeah, even though that my love life didn't seem to find its clear path anytime near in the future, but I will wait. I kight lose my temper every once in a while but I'll be okay. I have reached the acceptance level where I couldn't be married by the time I reached 21 yo and be a milf like Yukiko Kido.

Been better-

Sandya

0

Welcome to the 20's club!

Yet becoming an adult is not a onetime thing. You grow into growing up, each season bringing with it things you’re going to have to secretly Google to figure out how to do - Paul Angone

As you know, last saturday I turned twenty. I feel nervous knowing that I will end my teenage year and start your adult life this year. I know that many people said that your early twenties will be awkward; you're too young to do some stuffs and too old to do others. I personally doesn't feel much twenties yet. One thing for sure, it's like yesterday you're 13 and before you know it, you're turning 20!

My days are pretty much average. First, you have to know that I am one of those people who always wait for their birthday and make that day as special as they could be. Even though it's the day to celebrate the declining of your remaining years to life, but I think that on my birthday, I have a privilege to do whatever I want, however I want, just for a day. I will let no one ruin my birthday ever :p Anyway, my birthday begins with a few of my KMHB friends throwing a surprise to me. Here a bit sneekpeak of that so-called-surprise.

Makasi ya Rika, Cokde, Pande, Dewi, Indah, Tude :'>

sosoan make a wish, padahal udah dikasi Tuhan semuanya #edisireligius

I didn't even turn 20 yet when midnight because I was born at twilight(?) and I've been dreaming for someone to actually celebrate my birthday at the exact hour when I was born #kode, but nevermind, nobody will ever think about that :') thankyou guys by the way!!! terutama buat cokde sama pande yang rela bolak balik Bintaro-Rawamangun that night cuma buat ngasi surprise hik you really are sweet guys:')

And then I went through my morning till afternoon just sleep all day until at 3 pm, I have my last class on the semester. After that, I went to a dinner with Kak Eldy at Common Ground, having a dessert at Colette&Lola later that night, and went home. But there is something missing....my gank!

It never occurred to my mind that they will forgot about my birthday but they did!!! Not that I am furious or what but I feel disapointed. They said that they forgot about my birthday because I am not giving them hint like they did usually but that's just not me. Even though I care so much about my birthday, but I want them to remember my birthday because I deserve to, because I am memorable and worth to remeber for. Clearly I didn't #baper :( and how do they know? They saw my path profile and a lot of my friends wishing me a happy birthday. Even I didn't posted my birthday surprise earlier because I didn't want bragging about how much people remembered my birthday and how lovable I am and stuff because you know what? Nobody actually give a damn. You're just spamming their timeline with your illusion of how much people really care that today is your birthday when in fact, they just remember it just now when you post your mom's text of birthday wishes. I know that might sound bitter, but it's true.

Anyway, just in time when I got home, I am about to enter the house when suddenly I heard their motorcycle's sound. I went outside and there they are, unprepared with baloons unblowed and candles unlit. It was funny that I kept laughing and ask them whether they need help from the birthday girl to prepare her birthday surprise. I wasn't mad, like no at all. Actually I am happy that even they forgot, but they still sacrifice their limited time to prepare a surprise for me. I am flattered :))

pardon the noise. maklum cuma kamera ipod

So yeah, that was my birthday in a brief. A lot of people forgot but too many that remembers. Instead of counting what we don't have, why can't we just count what we've already had? I am grateful that I've been given the chance to life my live with health and wealth for 20 years now despite all the mistakes I've done. I am happy that I am surrounded by a lot of people who love and care enough to waste their time sending me birthday wishes. I remember when junior high, it really matter how many people texted you and making status, wishing you a happy birthday. As I grow older I realized the one who really care will always remember throughout years and that is what really counts. Nothing really decribes how I felt, but mostly and utterly, I feel grateful.

Two person from my life greet me on my birthday which I didn't really expect them to be. One person is wishing me a happy birthday even I didn't expect a greeting from him because I did last year and turn out he forgot so I don't want to be disappointed by him for the zillion time. The other wishing me a happy birthday while apologize for the way he act and how he made me felt. I am surprised and didn't see that coming from him because we've turned into stranger. I've been let go the anger that I ever had to him, though I never apologized either because mainly, he is the one who made things uncomfortable between us. But in the end, I also apologize for being too childish and immature react to his behavior. I should've take it more calm but what can I do? I am just an ordinary human being who still can't control my emotion. Anyway, I ended up said that I hope could be friend and I really meant it.

Which led me into some deep thinking, I am 20 years now. I have to be more mature handling some people in my life and let go all the anger. People made mistakes, but not everyone have the bravery to apologize. People who apologize are the biggest person because it's not easy to let things go and start a new fresh. I used to think that not everyone deserve a forgiveness but if God can forgive our continous sins, why can't we forgive other people's mistakes? I always found it hard to apologize because I have a huge ego. I realize that I am still a small person because I never learn to grow up and admit whenever I made mistakes. So, I've been thinking to apologize to some people that I've might hurt in the past or people who hurt me. I might not the one who made the mistakes, but I also wrong for being mad. Besides, what do we get from having such hatred to each other?

I want to be better and wiser each day. I want to be more positive and cut all of my bad habits. I want to be able to see every good in people and spread positivity to all my surroundings. I want to cut all of my bad habits and startd a good one simply because the sake of my life. I want to be deserved to be 20.

They said that your twenties is your selfish years. I want to be selfish, I can't wait to be selfish and do 'project Sandya' before having all stuffs figured out. I am ready to be lost and failed, wondering when and how I will make it. I've been waiting to do the things I've been afraid to do because I am ready to step up even further. I've got 10 years to be 20s and I am gonna spend it to the fullest. So, bring it on!

I always said that I want to be settled down on my 21. The more I think about it, the more I realized that I probably not ready yet, I really want to see myself a couple years from now doing things that the present me only dreamed about. I wanna figured things on my own, travel, try new things, make my parents and siblings happy, and spoiled myself (ofcourse!) Still, if I met the boy of my dream anytime soon, I will be ready for him. But I don't wanna rush things and focused to the thing that is not my priority anytime near in the future.

Enjoy you're twenties! You'll be entering your thirties before you know it!

lotsaluv-

Sandya

1

You Should Never Questioning Your Worth

Hello guys! Did you notice the change on my blog's template? Do you like this one better or the previous one? (yeah, like anybody will to sacrifice their time to read my nonsense periodically...)

anyway...

I am currently sitting in Starbucks, studying for final exam.

And I got bored, so I googled my name just because I don't know what to do. Also because I am that narcissistic lol

I actually didn't found anything new. But suddenly I got stopped by this article. (btw they misspelled my name)

I am not bragging it or what. I know a lot of people have achieved waaaay more than I did. But screw you, if this made me feel better than I don't really care about you thinking that I get cocky. Funny thing, I usually got embarrassed when anybody found out that I once achieve the highest score for national exam in the entire province. I feel like people tend to overstated that achievement. It's not that I am that smart or something. It just that I tried more than I usually did and I got tons of luck. Kinda wondering I pretty much wasted all of my luck on there :p I don't like people expect too much from me because I don't know whether I could fulfill their expectation or not. I once read that, "once people see you good, they expect you to be good." That is why I always make a worse impression on other people so that they will not expect me to be good all the time because to me, being good is hard. I can't be good all the time. That is why I stands boldly on the black side. I don't play white, I don't stay in gray, I proudly state that I am black. Weird, huh?

By the way, reading on that article made me reminiscing the good 'ol days. I got reminded how good it feels to achieve something and made your parents and yourselves and pretty much all people around you proud. It feels good knowing that you're not as dumb as you think, that you actually could achieve ANYTHING you want if you're determined enough to willing sacrificing your time and energy to fight for that thing.

This week, almost all of my mid-test result was announced. I am shocked by how awful I've done on my mid test. I was below the class' average. I feel dumb. I feel so stupid. I am constantly questioning my worth. Am I not worth it? Is this the end of my glamorous era? Am I not good enough to compete with my current classmates? Is this where I really belong, on the bottom of the pyramid?

That is why reading on that article boosts my confidence a little bit. I know that I didn't try enough. I know that this is not my best capacity. I know that I can do better if only I am willing to push my self a little bit harder. I know I placed one for a reason, I know I achieved my last GPA not because I played all day and slept all night. I know if I try harder, I can fix it.

A week to go before my final exam. There is no late when it comes to this. Whatever the end result is, if I try harder on my final exam, I know that eventually I will happy whatever the result will be because that is my last-week-effort. I probably done even better than some people who work all semester. I shouldn't questioning my capability anymore.

I should be reminded that I am doing this firstly for me. For a better future. For my dream job. For my dream to contribute anything to this country as a gratitude for having me on them for all my live. For my parents who gives me such comfort and support and love every single day. For my brother and sister so that they could have someone to look-up for. For all the people around me who will heard my name and proudly said, "I know her". For....okay this sounds a little bit like Grammy Award isn't it?....

Okay, I should probably stop and go back studying. Wish me luck for the proceeding exams xx

lotsaluv-

Sandya

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My Top 6 Destination

Sebagai orang yang suka jalan-jalan (dan day-dreaming), barusan aku menghayal buat bisa jalan-jalan keluar negeri...

Basically, any country will do. I prefer outside Asia, to be honest. The one whose first language is English because I certainly will be damned if I go to a country which language I couldn't speak??? But recently I've been thinking about these particular country with certain destination and I would die if I could really go to any-if possible, ALL-of these places.

Sooooo without any further do, this is my top 6 list!

This picture is not rated based on my most wanted to the least one. Simply because I just wanted to arrange it that way???

1. New York City

Siapa sih yang gak pengen ke New York City? Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, kalo kata mbak Alicia. Sebenernya aku bakal selalu pengen ke Amerika. Dulu jaman SMP waktu masih ada 90210, aku pengen banget jadi sosialita di Beverly Hills. Tapi abis itu aku menemukan HIMYM.....gimana aku ga jatuh cinta sama NYC with Ted rambling about Empy and all the perks of being a New Yorker and stuffs. If I eventually step my foot on New York, certainly the first place that I will visit is Times Square!!! Mungkin aku kedengeran kaya alay-alay yang baru pertama kali ke Monas ya tapi rasanya kalo kita ada di Times Square itu bener-bener kaya....melting pot? Semua orang ada disana dari segala suku ras agama gender, you name it. Besides, with all of the buildings, we could be reminded of how small we are compared to the world. #deepaf

Terus abis dari Times Square aku mau ke SoHo buat nyobain Georgetown Cupcake setelah selama ini cuma nontonin reality show nya doang :p

2. Derby, Australia

Mungkin kalian bertanya-tanya, kenapa ga ke Sydney, Perth, or any famous Australia city. As you can see at the grid, that is Baobab Tree. Itu pohon yang legendanya, karena dia itu pohon yang sombong di khayangan, jadi dia dicabut terus dibuang ke Bumi. Eh pas sampe Bumi malah ketanem kebalik gitu, jadi dahannya itu kaya akar. Jadi aku pertama kali tau pohon Baobab ini di sebuah novel, pada novel yang sama dimana aku dapet nama Lolita. If you're my 10th grade friend, you must be know how lunatic I am about this trilogy.

I think I just need to see this tree with my bare eyes before I die. Katanya sih di Indonesia juga ada. Tapi yang paling tua dan populasi alaminya itu ada disini??? I don't know. 

(Ya, segampang itu hidupku dipengaruhi film dan novel gimana aku ga jadi kaya gini coba ok bye)

3. London

Who can resist English accent? Duh, like obviously, siapa yang ga pengen ke London? With all of its destination, the vibes (biarpun kata orang Inggris asli, vibes disana itu ga bagus but what do I know? aku ga pernah kesana:' hiks), the accent, duh-oh guyss do I have to explain more?

Lagian Conan pernah berubah jadi Shinichi pas lagi di London. (LAH TERUS) (tuh kan dipengaruhi hal fiktif lagi)

4. Santorini, Greece

I used to rave more about France than Greece. I don't know why when searching this countries, France didn't make it on the top 6. Lately I've been dreaming soooooo much about Greece. Di awali dari postingan Path seorang teman yang liburan Spring Break tahun lalu ke Yunani and I was thinking, "leh uga nih" but that's it. Lalu tiba-tiba 3 minggu yang lalu ada tugas buat bikin paper tentang perekonomian negara lain and I was thinking, "kenapa ga Yunani? mereka baru aja dideklarasikan bangkrut but I think their fine already so I must've had a lot to talk about" dan along the way pas lagi cari bahan di Google, muncullah image-imagenya dan OMG it's so beautiful......I don't know if it's just me being a basic-universe-girl or what but I think the universe is conspire against something here.

5. Gangga River, India

Jadi sebenernya tadi aku ngetik di google dengan spesifik, sungai gangga. Tapi gambar yang muncul tidak layak pajang so I downloaded the Taj Mahal picture instead. India will be the destination that I and my parents will visit together. Semoga aku ada kesempatan, umur, kesehatan dan rejeki buat mengajak orangtuaku ke negara asal agamaku because yeah I just kinda want to.

6. Osaka, Japan

Dulu males banget sebenernya kalo ditawarin ke Asia, apalagi yang bahasa dan hurufnya aku ga ngerti. Kaya waktu SMA padahal ada tawaran exchange ke Korea tapi aku mikir, "well, I don't like KPOP, I can't speak the language, jadi kenapa maksa?" Padahal setelah dipikir-pikir, lumayan banget kalo ke Korea dengan biaya yang waktu itu ditawarin sama sekolah. Yha knp ngomongin Korea coba-_-

Jadiiii aku pengen ke Jepang karena...........ada Universal Studio yang ada Harry Potternya!!!! Because I am THAT Potterhead :)) aku tau kok I probably spend the rest of my day there because you know kan that I am not an ammusement-park-type of girl. Tapi demi Harry Potter ku rela deh :')

Ohya, aku juga mau liat bunga sakura live di Jepang tapi ku juga mau kesana pas winter biar ada salju??? omg I am so paradoxical I'm gonna die confuse.

That probably will be on the top of my list for all time. Sebenernya aku agak takut ngepost ini because I don't wanna jinx it like I did to my 2015's resolution. But I don't care. If I am ready to share it with the world then I have to work my ass off to make that happened so I am not ashamed! On the other hand, I don't really set a goal that I have to visit these countries before I *insert activity/age here* because I simply didn't want to give pressure to my self and I want to lower my expectation. Remember expectation leads to disappointment??? And life has enough pressure already I don't want to miss the fun of being alive just because I have to live based on society standards or stuff. Been there, done that. Didn't bring me any good, though.

And oh, I wanna post more about my travelling experience on this blog. I actually planned to post my Malang trip, my Sukabumi trip and all but God I am a big-fat-procrastinator who eventually post about my menye menye story because I am sensitive like that.  Hopefully this year I could travel more than I used to because my college life is.....1 and a half-year to go? After that I will work all the time and sure enough will not have the time to travel.

"wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow", Anita Desai-

Sandya

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First Impression Shopping at Zalora

As an online-shopping addict, I quite surprise myself that this is my first experience shopping at Zalora....I know right....

So, I actually bought this stuff around Christmas and the package was arrived at December 30-if I'm not mistaken. I've been intended to make a post about this but life happens. Better late than never, eh?

I bought three items from the web; two sandals from Zalora and Something Borrowed and a bag from Something Borrowed. The best part is, I only paid for Rp. 318,999 for all of those items! Thank you year-end sale :p

outer look of the boxes

The first thing I wanna talk about is my Zalora sandals. I am so sorry that I forgot to take a picture of how it actually looks like outside the dust-bag. It just a simple sandals with basic straps and everything-nothing really stands out actually. I just really need this kind of sandals if I wanted to go to the mall but too lazy to wear flats or heels but I know if I'm going out with my Havaianna's sandals people will just thing that I just go out of bed.

I chose the beige one because it fits with any color and it actually looks good on my skin. I haven't used it for a long walk but I am pretty sure that it's also comfortable. My size is 41, which is probably the second best thing about shopping at Zalora-because they provide big sizes!

Zalora-Metal Ring Flat Sandals

 I think I have to give a special shout-out to its packaging. I love their black-dope box. The dust-bag also printed with "Zalora" sign which makes it become more exclusive. The moment I opened the package I just fallin love with this packaging <3

The second thing I bought is also a sandal from Something Borrowed. It is a strap sandals with three colors; black, white, and gold. I've been looking for a strap sandals but before this I just found it in platforms or heels, and I hate being even taller than I already am. So when I saw this sandals, I just know that I have to own this babe :))

I have this baby in size 41 also. I don't know whether it is the brand or the model but I think the Zalora one is bigger than this..... Fortunately it still fits me *phew*

Something Borrowed-Tri Colored Slingbag Sandal

You might notice that the dust bag is thinner than the Zalora's. I don't really mind as long as they still protect my sandals. The box also less prettier than the Zalora's. I directly throw the box since it only takes another room on my storage. Sorry :((

I have tons of black bags.... All of my bags here are small-sling bag.... I don't really know why I bought this one :' But I don't regret it because it looks shooo cute <3 The leather is so soft but thick at the same time. The inner part also made from good fabric. They also put a zipper inside so if you forget to close the clip, your bag will not left opened and still be secure.

One thing that I feel bad is that they didn't put a brand-tag inside the bag. I also worry about the clip but hopefully I am wrong-so far it doesn't stuck or anything. I think it's just me :/

I actually looking for a bigger bag-a hand bag with a long strap, to be precise. This bag only fit my phone, my ipod, powerbank, and purse. If I want to bring another thing, I think I should change my bag-_- but still this one worth to buy also!!! I would be regretting my decisions if I left this bag on the web :p

Something Borrowed-Round Stud Mini Trapeze

That's it! My first-and sure won't be the last-haul on Zalora. I am looking forward to the chance to buy its clothing collection but my account really need a rest because last year I shop like craaaaayyyzeh.

I love that Zalora gives us so much ease at once. No shipping fee for purchase more than Rp. 200,000; the shipping and payment method that we can choose; thousands product from clothes, pants, skirts, dresses, sandals, heels, flats, boots, watches, bags, from various brands. Not to mention about their sale because their sale going on all year! I am very sure that I will shop again anytime near in the future :p

much luv-



Sandya

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Ocehan Subuh Ini

Gue bangun pagi (oke, siang) ini tanpa mengetahui kalau hari ini bakal jadi hari yang mentally-drained banget buat gue.

Dimulai dari bangun siang tadi. Padahal gue rencana mau bangun jam 6, jogging, nyuci dan beberes kamar, bikin peer, lalu lanjut nonton futsal karena udah janji. Skip 4 kegiatan pertama. Bangun-bangun udah terang, lalu gue lanjut bebaring sambil main hape, mandi, lalu berangkat nonton futsal.

Oke dari jaman gue SMA entah kenapa gue ngerasa kalo kelas gue tanding futsal dan gue nonton.....pasti kalah wakakak dan gara2 itu gue jadi suka jiper sendiri kalo mau nontonin temen tanding (pertandingan apapun itu) karena gue takut bawa somekind of badluck..... Nonsense sih tapi BENERAN KEJADIAN!!!! Temen gue cedera, organda gue kalah.... Lalu gue janji dalam hati kalo gue gamau nonton futsal organda lagi:"

Perlu kalian ketahui kalo gue lagi menjalani "detox" dari seseorang yang gue suka tapi gue putuskan untuk not worth fighting for? Ya kalian ngerti lah siapa. Jadi sebenernya gue males banget ketemu dia karena gue ngerasa belum bisa memantain perasaan sendiri. Cuma ga sengaja kemaren itu gue ketemu dia di tempat roti bakar (yha dari sekian banyak tempat roti bakar di Bintaro and we both choose the same place) jadi gue mikir yaudah detox gue udah gagal. Gapapa deh besok gue nonton dia di tempat futsal sekalian gue nemenin seorang temen gue yang pengen liat senior main. Okelah.

Long story short gue sebenernya mau ngasi dia teh botol. Tapi ego Aquarius gue terlalu dominan! Gue gengsi berat dan pada akhirnya teh botol yang udah gue maksud dibeliin buat dia, gue bawa pulang dan minum sendiri.....sedih ga? Nggak juga sih-_-

Terus lanjut kan gue nemenin temen gue yg bm banget sama mi aceh. Kebetulan dia ini senior gue di SMP dan SMA. So kita kaya flashback gitu ngomongin anak-anak eksis jaman kami bocah dulu. Kadang gue kangen ke masa dimana kerjaan gue cuma nyinyirin anak eksis. Ga deng, mana pernah gue nyinyir sama mereka. Gue tau kok eksis ga dibawa mati. People will forget that you once belong on the top of the social pyramid, but they will never forget if you're placed number one in class.

Lanjut. Gue pulang terus diajak beli eskrim sama senior gue satu lagi. Sebenernya gue udah capek banget nih tapi berhubung gue anaknya ga enakan jadi gue iyain aja. Gue lupa ada peer due on monday and I haven't touch it a bit:(( nevermind. Biasalah kita ngobrol dan ngegosip ngarol ngidul. Dia ini udah gue anggep kaya kakak gue sendiri. Most of his words gue dengerin dan percaya (sumpah dia ga boleh tau ini, ntar dia geer). Entah gimana awalnya gue disuruh sama dia buat ngechat "si mantan". Hampir banget gue ngechat tp batal lagi, gue ketik terus hapus lagi. Sampe akhirnya gue ketik terus cuma gue pantengin itu hape diatas meja.....DAN DIA PENCET TOMBOL SEND!!!! Dafuq.

Otomatis gue langsung histeris dooooong. Bodo amat tempat umum, ketemu sekali ini. Like......my Aquarius ego:" padahal baru tadi siangnya gue mempertahankan gengsi, eh malemnya harga diri gue dibandrol 90% diskon sama doi. Kan anying.

Tapi gue ga kesel sih sama dia. Lebih ke ngerasa malu aja....dan sekarang chatnya gue hapus. Jadi gue gatau si mantan udah ngeread atau dipendem doang. Ga masalah. I'd rather wondering that hit by reality. Yang jelas kalo sampe besok ga dibales, gue jadi tau pintu gue buat ke dia bener bener udah tertutup dan gue harus cepet-cepet bangun dan move on. Emang sih harusnya begitu putus langsung putus but hello it's me we're talking about???

Ohya pas futsal juga gue ketemu seseorang yang kasarnya, udah gue cut juga dalam hidup gue karena selalu membuat gue insecure....gue kira kita masih bisa temenan but turns out he's not that kind of guy. He didn't even want to look at me. Jangankan ngeliat, gue nyapa duluan aja dikacangin bro berasa pecel-_- like, yaolo ini mah style putus anak sma kali. Padahal kita putus juga enggak, cuma gue dengan tegas bilang kalo the door is locked and even me myself didn't know who brings the key. Gue kira dia bakal dewasa karena dia lebih tua. Emang ya umur ga menunjukkan kedewasaan orang.

Terus gue juga abis curhat sama si senior anying kalo gue capek merantau. Tuh kan gue bilang juga apa, pasti soon gue bakal mengalami breakdown dan now is the time. Mungkin sounds lame buat kalian, tapi sekarang tuh gue ada dalam posisi yang ga punya temen deket yang deket banget di kampus. Di kos juga enggak. Jadi gue pulang tenggo, balik kos sendirian terus diem aja di kamar sendiri. Gue ngerasa kurang interaksi sama orang, gue kurang aktifitas buat pengalih perhatian. Sumpah gue ga minta pacar buat nemenin. Gue pengennya sekeluarga kecil gue diboyong ke Jakarta boleh ga?:" karena kalo disuruh tinggal settle di Bali juga terus terang aja gue ragu... Di Bali gue biasa enak, gue jadi manja, ga baik buat pribadi gue yang bentar lagi masuk 20s dan sangat perlu berkembang.

Kadang kesel juga kenapa gue dibesarkan menjadi family-girl. Disaat anak-anak muda memilih pergi sama temen-temen, gue lebih suka pergi sama keluarga (selain karena dibayarin ya) cuma makan, terus nongkrong sambil ngopi-ngopi. Disaat yang lain nginep di rumah temen, gue tiap pulang mesti banget ngerecokin mama bapak dan tidur bareng mereka.

Ah, jadi baper kan....

Positifnya, walaupun gue bilang gue capek merantau, tapi gue punya beberapa mimpi yang gue pengen banget bisa terwujud. Kalau ga tahun ini, ya dalam waktu dekat lah. Gue sadar bentar lagi gue berumur 20 tahun(guys notice dong kalo ini kode #hopeless), gue bener-bener capek sama drama percintaan lyk for R34Lzzzz. 20s gue udah dijatahkan buat "gagal", walopun gue mikir gue mungkin bakal susah gagal karena gue orangnya gamau buat mengambil resiko:" dan males banget kalo fokus gue kepecah buat drama ga penting yekaaan

Kalo buat masalah cowo, gue mau memfokuskan diri buat "memantaskan" diri. Gue sadar pengen punya cowo yang paket lengkap, dan setelah mikir-mikir, gue yang sekarang nggak se-"paket lengkap" gue yang dulu. In other word, gue merasa mengalami kemunduran. So, sekarang gue memutuskan buat kembali menjadi seorang Sandya, even better!

Doakan saya ya gæs❤️-

Sandya

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