Jadi, kemarin gue abis ngobrol sama seorang teman.
Pas lagi makan, tiba-tiba dia menyodorkan sepenggal pertanyaan yang gak pernah gue sangka bakal keluar dari dia.
"Kalo lo disuruh milih, mending pilih orang yang suka sama lo, atau orang yang lo suka?"
Gue bukannya gak pernah berfikir tentang jawaban atas pertanyaan diatas, tapi butuh waktu buat gue mikir apa jawaban yang tepat.
Gue jawab pertanyaan itu dengan pertanyaan, "Lo mau jawaban yang bagus, atau jawaban berdasarkan apa yang gue selalu lakukkan?"
Dulu kalo ada orang yang nanya pertanyaan yang sama, tanpa berfikir panjang gue bakal jawab, "orang yang suka sama gue, lah!" Tapi ternyata jawaban gue sama apa yang gue lakukan itu selalu berbanding terbalik. Gak terhitung berapa kali gue memilih orang yang gue suka dibading orang yang suka sama gue. I used to choose the one who loves me, hoping that one day I can learn to love him back. I used to so fed up not being love in return. I just wanted to be loved back for once. Eventually, I always found myself on the same alternate ending: I ended up hurting the one who loves me.
I chose the wrong people and he made me feel ignored long enough,
and I guess it's just nice to feel special sometimes.
But I am so used to being mistreated that I find it confusing
when someone is being overly sweet to me.
Orang bilang kita bisa belajar mencintai seiring berjalannya waktu. Tapi gue gak pernah bisa. Either I can't or I won't; I don't really know. Dulu gue selalu mikir kalo gue capek selalu jadi yang suka, terkadang gue pengen juga suka sama orang. Tapi pada akhirnya, I found myself doing the same thing over and over again. I am good at loving someone, even better doing it on distance and under the shadow. Gue gak bakal bisa jadi orang yang ekspresif, saying I love you every darn minutes. Instead, I will make sure that I provide him everything he needs: love, affection, ease, you name it. Gue gak pernah ragu going big kalo udah suka sama orang. Their happiness>>>>Mine. I always make sure that people don't have to go through what I went through.
Lalu gue curhat in a brief tentang si Sassy. Dia nanya lagi,
X: Lo tuh kangen sama orangnya atau sama kenangannya?
S: Ya kangen sama orangnya lah
X: Daritadi lo cerita, lo cuma bilang kenangan-kenangan kalian doang, gimana baiknya perlakuan dia ke lo. Gak ada tuh, lo bilang kalo lo emang kangen dia karena dia. Sekarang gue tanya, kalo misalnya dia balik lagi ke lo tapi dia ga sebaik dulu, apa lo masih bisa bilang sayang sama dia?
Well, that hits me. I thought I still love him. I just love him because he treated me like no one ever was. I think I miss being treated with love and respect. Not to mention my guilt for letting a good man like him slips away from my finger, once again just for the people who I love.
Lately I've been worried so much. What if I cannot get over the Love of My Live? Do I still need to hold onto him?
Dari dulu, gue selalu menyerahkan decision seperti ini kepada universe. Gue selalu bikin skenario dimana kalau misalnya (insert event/condition here) berarti memang gue ditakdirkan dengan si Love of My Life. Atau misalnya, disaat gue udah determined banget buat move on, dia tiba-tiba datang kembali, and that-I refer as a warning call. Belakangan gue tau kalo gue susah move on dari dia, karena gue emang gak mau move on dari dia. Gue selalu mencari alasan dan pembenaran atas apa yang gue lakukan. I've read plenty formula about how long it takes to move on-quotes, internet, movies, books-all of them! Padahal move on itu, hanya perkara mau dan tidak saja. The moment you decide it's over, it's over.
9 tahun bukan waktu yang sebentar. I've tried so many ways. Katanya langkah pertama move on itu adalah memaafkan. I forgive him for what he did to me a long time ago. But I can't get him out of my heart. Katanya kalau mau move on itu kita harus buang semua hal yang mengingatkan kita tentang dia, which I did a year ago. Turns out it only lasts for a year. Lalu setelah sekarang dia muncul lagi, apa yang tersisa dari dia yang masih bisa aku buang lagi? And this is people's favourite-katanya kalau mau move on itu harus ada penggantinya. This is the reason why I keep hurting innocent people for the sake of my clarity-or I thought so because all of them still cannot replaced him.
My mom used to hate him so much. From "kalau bisa sih jangan sama dia" until "gak boleh sama dia". Recently, that escalated into "Kalau Sakdek emang jodohnya sama dia, mama bisa apa." Belum lagi Kiki, who is the living proof of the drama. Tiba-tiba dia bilang "yaudah balikan aja sama dia kan hot property tuh" she used to against the idea of me and him together because she and God knows how awful the thing he's done to me. Kalau lagi-lagi gue menyerahkan hal sebesar ini ke universe, apa bedanya gue yang sekarang dengan gue yang dulu? Bukannya manusia harusnya berubah, ya?
Btw, intermezo of what Kiki refers as hot property. Well, gue emang anaknya visioner abis ya. Ibarat investment, gue tau item mana yang bakal booming and make me rich on the future LOL
To sum up and answer the first question pooped by my friend,
I think I should answer that with this,
"to be loved is a blessing, to love is a choice. And I love to have choices in my live"
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