I can't even talk about it because it so personal. Besides, talking about this particular problems outloud makes me feel like I have already surrender to them. That is the last thing on earth that I wanted to do.
I may seem careless, I may seem like I didn't think much about it, or maybe it seems like I don't know about the problem. I heard both sides. I think I am old enough to distinguish which part of the story is true and make sense. I am trying so hard to be neutral, to only hear from both sides, when really, all I wanna do is sit them both and make them talk honestly about how they feel and how they want others to be.
I never surpasses any information to each of them. I just heard. But tonight is the night that I lose it all. I really miss my mom and dad and even I miss Saktut. I feel so bad to her because she is just on her own right now. The thing with me and my brother is, we had our moments together. And we both growing up and growing apart at the same time, so once we've grown, we come back and missed nothing. Unlike my sister who 6-years apart from me, I feel like we have so much to catch on.
Not to mention my mom. She always cleans the mess-literally and figuratively. Her anxiety sometimes just too much, but I think that's just how you're going to be when so much thing put on the top of your shoulders. The least I can do is to study hard and behave.
And then my dad. I always respect and agree with his thinking. So does his decisions. Until lately, I think something is blurring his sight. I cannot get the idea of why he take certain decisions when I know, the dad who was born under the same sign as I am, will never consider, let alone decided such decisions. I completely get that he's underpressure, he's not in the good position to please everyone. That's the thing; he choose to please the wrong people.
This post might be confusing and it really picture how I feel right now. I am so confused and really, I have no one to talk. I have nobody who will understand exactly how painful it is. So bear with me. My only entertainment is shopping. This is the reason why I shop a lot. Not entirely an excuse, but by buying myself an expensive "gift" I feel like I could make myself better by having the things that they couldn't afford, in small return to what they've had taken away from me: my HA P P I N E S S.
I know it's so wrong, I am completely aware of that. But please just let me be, before I lose all of my sanity.
And please pray that I will not lose myself in the process, that I will never flip out one day and throw it all in the wrong way because I know I am better than that.
One thing that I love more than my self is my family. Oh, and I am dying to kill (like literally beat and kill the hell out of them) the people who mess with us. Why do you think I'm not returning home for this semester break? I don't think I have the strength to hold myself the way I used to be and I'm afraid that what I could possibly do might upset my dad. I love him too much that I'd rather drown myself in tears. I also don't want my mom to take the blame for what I could possibly done because whatever I do, I'm consciously aware of the consequences.
Why do my mom and dad thinks of my sudden crying at the couple last days of my last homecoming? It's because I can't hold it anymore, I am so sick of the way they treated us. But explaining the reasons to my parents and indirectly said that I am giving up to them, hell no. I'd rather took my dad's anger and keep silent.
It is true that the one who laugh at the recehest jokes, the one who always tried to make everyone else laughing, is the one who aches the most. Well, that's so egocentric if I said I am hurt the most. But one thing for sure, I am trying really hard to make sure that everybody is laughing because I know it's a hard thing to do-especially these days.
My mom was wrong, I don't have a strong heart. I burst myself to cry most nights. But if crying is what it takes to be stronger, then please just let me cry tonight. I promise I will be okay by tomorrow.
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