a woman cannot become too much of everything

Dari youtube saya belajar bahwa "a woman cannot become too much of everything".

I know a lot of feminist will against this statement. 

I used to. Somehow, I grow up knowing that it's true, a woman cannot be too much of everything.

Too much physical enchanment, you will ended up claimed to be dumb. Not even beauty pageant help that paradigm, if not worsening it out. 

Too strong, people will think you don't need help from everybody while sometimes it's just nice hearing people offering us some help. 

Too nice, people will use you. 

Too smart, people will feel intimidated by you. 

Too independent, people will think that you don't need anybody else. 

And too much of everything else makes you will end up not feeling comfortable being yourself.

I used to think that, no matter what happened I will always try to be as smart and as independent as I could be. I learn the hard way that eventually you will end up being alone and only yourself that you can always count on. I always believe that my knowledge is the only thing that I'll always have no matter how old I am when the beauty is all gone. Quoted from Indonesian saying, "Isi kepala banyak macamnya tapi isi celana itu-itu saja"

But I watched a Youtube interview and the guest statement shocked me-not really, but still. The point is, one of several reasons why he left his ex-wife is because she's too strong. Kata dia, "buat apa saya menikahi wanita yang kuat? Mending saya nikah sama cowok aja sekalian"-pretty much that way.

Interestingly, just two days ago my mom give me a piece of advice that I'll never believe came out from her. She said, "Jadi perempuan jangan terlihat terlalu bisa melakukan semuanya sendirian." well....she's the one who literally told me to be independent; to always found the interesting part of being alone; to always searching for fun even when I had no one, especially that; to learn that a woman has equal right and ability to man (if not more:p); to learn how to work on boy's homework like changing the light-bulb, fixing the electricity or water; to believe thatI can't depend myself to anybody else because who knows, they might be too busy saving themselves and have no time to help you.

In the end, I asked myself. What am I searching for?

If what I am looking for is a recognition, I'll probably easily earned it. But then what? You'll end up living alone because nobody care enough to actually undestand that you might scream for help, desperately longing to be saved when all you really do is pretending that you can handle every single shits happen in your life.

Pada akhirnya kita akan ditujukan pada pertanyaan, "apa tujuanmu hidup di dunia ini?"

If what you're searching is recognition, pride, and appreciation, then congratulation! You've achieved it.

But is it really worth all the sacrifice? Will you still be satisfied when you drawn in all the pride yet living a lonely life because nobody have the guts to be with you?

If you simply just want peace and happiness, then you might want to re-think how you want to behave in front of people.

I used to believe that I will find a boy who will appriciate all of my achievements and ambitions as well as my flaws.

The one who understand that even if I can do it all, I want his and by all mean, only HIS help to get me through the lowest and worst.

The one who embrace my oppinion, hears it, lets me win somehow, but in the end argue with me not to win but to show me that there's another perspective and I am not always right.

I kinda lose hope. Boys will be boys. No matter how educated they are, they will always have the urge to be somehow over and more of their spouse.

I guess I just have to lowering my ego a little bit, huh?

Hopeless,

Sandya

0

340/365

Mungkin terlalu dini buat ngejudge kalau tahun 2015 is definitely not my year.

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or not?

Sudah menginjak hari ke 340 di tahun 2015, and I feel like I contribute nothing to the world. Jangankan to the world, I didn't even feel like upgrading my self this year. Like for the whole year, I'm just a dead-man walking yang kerjaannya cuma bangun-do the same routines each day-tidur, and repeat.

Not to mention that this is the first time I've ever made a resolution. Guess what? It's a total crap. I achive nothing, not even the thing that I aimed earlier this year. So yeah, I won't make any for the proceeding year.

Start with my habits, this is the year that for the first time I went home at 4 in the morning without my parents. I ain't satan but I don't usually go and be outside after 12 am. But this year, it's common for me to go home after midnight while I actually dont feel really good about it. And by the way, I did that A LOT.

Second, I did something that I am not usually done. I usually did it periodically but this year..well.....

Third, I often left my room messed. I am not a person with a clean obsession or stuff but really....my room this year more likely called as a Titanic leftover most of the time. I only cleaned on weekend or when somebody come over. Omg yang kaya gini udah mau nikah? Pfft...

Then, I FRIGGIN LOST MY PHONEEEEE. I dont think I needed to explain that further.

The most annoyed thing to me; I shop more and I read less. Like it was impossible to me to finished one book even for a week when I usually finished one in 2 hours. In contrast, I almost shop approximately 800.000 each week for stuff I can't even trace right now, and that is exclude the money I spent for fancy food. It even worse last month, I spent almost 3 fuckin million rupiahs for makeup, toiletries, and skincare. Padahal gue ga pernah makeupan kalo kemana-mana. Yeah, courtesy to youtube and instagram, by the way.

Not to mention about how lonely I feel this year. I found that most of my friends are drifted apart. We keep in contact but I barely enjoyed the time. Are they changing or am I?

And oh, this break me so much. I didn't do very well academically; I assigned myself to two volunteers project and I was rejected; I don't really active on campus activity-exactly the opposite me last year. That, is what makes me really feel that I am failed this year. I think about this thing actually more than I supposed to. I started to feel that I worth less more than I really am (thanks to social media too, for setting the standard ridiculously). The point is, I have too many negative vibes this year which I don't blame to anyone because most of them came from my self.

But this morning, a friend of mine gave me a good news. A news that I think could make my perspective about this year become more positive. A news that brings me hope to spend the last 25 days of 2015 with optimism. A news that made me procrastinate studying taxation for tomorrows mid-test:'>

I am really excited about this and hopefully this thing can be realized and I can be a part of it. This is like my only chance to save 2015!!!

I'll update later, finger crossed everybody xx-

Sandya

0

scumbag brain just doing flashback

I once ever opened myself to someone.

I give him all of me and left nothing for myself.
I thought he was the one, I cling to the idea that I will push myself to stay until God knows when...
I made it until 6 years....6 fuckin years of my life that I will never get back.
and then I met someone, someone that I judge from the very beginning that, he will never be the one for me.
hell, what did I know? he could be the one.
but I shut myself from the fear of being hurt for the second time.
I keep shutting myself until one day, I decided to give him a shot
yet it was too late, he had enough and walk away...
and here I am, almost 2 years later still moaning about how I should see that he trully did love me back then.
I was unloved for such a long time until I lived with the idea that no one could ever love me; I forgot how was it feel to be loved.
and I hate my self again, for not moving on from the idea that I pushed away everybody that trying.
.
.
I don't think that I could heal from such pain.

I am not even sure what I missed the most.
is it the memory or the person.
or maybe it's the old me; the person who I was before the heartbreak, that I missed more than anything in this universe.

and I never feel the way I felt when I am with him. I was happy eventhough we fight a lot over stupid things we weren't supposed to fight for.
I miss the way we talked for hours in his car, I miss the way I sneak between my meeting schedule just to meet him and tell stories about each of our days, I miss the way he held my hand when he was driving, I miss his silly habit, I miss how annoying he could be when he worried about me, I miss his smell when he hug me, I miss his stolen kiss on the cheek between the bookshelf, I miss all of our dates, I miss him saying I love you to me...

well, I guess I missed him a little too much tonight, didn't I?

0

....but I wanna go home

sekarang aku tau kenapa aku selalu pengen pulang....

especially when exam weeks approaching like this...

so, speaking as a Balinese that currently living outside Bali, I always consider it as my home; my comfort zone, my place to squeal, my place to run away even for a while.
but now I started to think that it is a place to getaway for me. I will not stay longer than a month to bring my whole toiletries back home. ya....sesingkat ithu:))

aku selalu mikir kenapa at some point of my year, pasti akan ada high-season dimana aku selalu pengen pulang more than I used to. For instance: menjelang ujian, saat patah hati (yaduu), saat ada special celebration of my family member. Tapi semua itu bisa ditawar kok. kalo misalnya mama atau bapak habis dari Jakarta (on Bapak's case, kalo sempat ketemu) the urge of wanting to go home will decrease massively. but now, I just met Bapak two days ago, and out of the blue, I suddenly miss going home.

I miss the place that I called home. Dulu aku selalu wonder kenapa sih Bali penuh banget sama wisatawan like they don't know holiday season aja gitu, pokoknya kapanpun kalian ke Bali pasti rame sama wisatawan (which make the plane ticket so damn expensive all yeaaaar long). Aku selalu bingung apa orang-orang ini ga bosen sama Bali.

well, I found the answer the hard way....

Sebagai orang yang sekarang ke Bali cuma buat liburan, I never get bored. Despite of my whole family still living there, I always find a way to go back home. I discover the answer: it's the vibe.
Something about driving on the road that even had a tiny traffic at some point, but it will never stressed you out like Jakarta's traffic does to you. Something about walking the path around Sanur before having a breakfast on Men Weti. Something about going to Seminyak and try the restaurant and sometimes window-shopping walaupun udah tau sih price tagnya bikin......(isi sendiri)

Jujur aja, kalo dulu aku ditanya kenapa pengen pulang, I will answer within any second, "Di Bali semuanya gampang! Makanan udah siap, kendaraan tinggal pake, fasilitas lengkap. I don't need to take care my own needs by my self." Sounds spoiled tapi yha gitu....cuma beneran deh sebenernya ku tak semanja itu #ngeles. And now, ya... aku masih beli makanan sendiri, kemana-mana naik angkutan umum, all my activity centered only in room instead of my whole house. Tapi aku udah mulai bisa get along with it, it's no biggie anymore. Aku sadar kalo aku bakal menjalani pola hidup seperti ini dalam jangka waktu yang lumayan lama, I can live with it.

Speaking of Bali livin...now I wanna go home.
Even I am not that beach person, tapi aku pengen ke Sanur sekarang.....pengen ke Seminyak.....pengen ke Sakura beli bajakan *loh.....pengen ke starbucks yang di Ubud biarpun harganya di mark-up gila-gilaan!!!pengen kembali pulang ke pelukan mama yang selalu menerimaku apa adanya #baper....
hell, I even miss fighting over a fluffy guling with my sister:((

I don't know which one I wanted more; to bring my whole family here or to drag my whole life to Bali?



missing home-

Sandya

ps: aku abis narot loh! will tell about it soon(or after mid, I guess)
pps: today supposed to be....ah sudahlah, aku sebenerya juga udah ga baper-baper amat-_-

0

when I grow up

"when I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
when I grow up, I wanna see the worlds, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
when I grow up, fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out of scene..."

when I grow up-pussycat dolls

when I was a kid, I wanna grow up to be smart..

Thank God, I was one (notice the past tense:">)

In high school, I wasn't a total dork nor a queen bee. I am not smart enough to be on the dork team (and cool enough, duh :p). I am surrounded by such beautiful and girly girls but I ain't one. I am the only one that different among them. I friends with boys (the five of them probably the only girl friends I have), my jokes are cruel, I never pay attention to my appearance because I always think what inside is the thing that matter, and I still do by the way.

I am the smart one, the dominant one; the one whose opinions and voices they couldn't beat-the alpha female, which made me the only member of the group who remains single for the rest of our high school times.

The last 2 years of my high school years, I have to witnessed all my clique having different boyfriends. Not that I am jealous, no.. I even heard someone said that my friends have already having 4 different boyfriend while I got none. I didn't bother; while deep down all of my friends complaining about how dramatic it was to be in a relationship, I have the privilege to avoid all of the drama and being free instead.

But no, this is not only about the boyfriend thingy.

Being in a group full of girly girl makes me looks like I am the careless one. I never put ANY makeup, not even a powder or a lip-gloss during my high school (hell, not even today duh) while my friends even put blushes and contact-lenses.

That makes me different. Makes me look weird. People will look at me and felt intimidated, they said. People will never look at me and jokes with me. People takes me seriously. Sometimes it feels sucks. Only my close friend know how crazy I am and I am not as stiff as what I am appeared to be. In boys cases, nobody will ever see me while I am surrounded by my flawless friends...

I never jealous until recently I discovered that I am tired of being the serious one. I am tired of boys looking at me feeling intimidated. I wanna be like girls in my age. I wanna play fool and beautiful sometimes (even if I know that girls can be beautiful and smart at the same time but that is not my point honeyyy). I wanna belong to the standard that society sets. I wanna be the beautiful one for once. 

So, I started to take care of my appearance. What do I get? I got more compliment than I used to. I got numbers of boys hit on me. But I don't want to be with them; they are just numbers of boys I can't see myself to be with. I look at the kind of boy who I wanted to be and the truth hits me; they pick not the smart one, not the beautiful one, but they choose the kind one.

I grow up to discover that eventually, good boys will settle for the kind one. They don't need a girl who discover a new compound in a periodic table nor they need a girl who wins a beauty pageant. They will fall to the girl next door (PS: I write this post after watching HIMYM S5E10, so yeah)

Kinda make me thinking, am I not kind enough? Screw insecurities. The point is, be yourself. The best version of you is the one that you are comfortable to be. Don't change because the society makes you, change because you needed to.

and the last one..

be careful of what you wishes for cause you just might get it

xoxo-

Sandya

0

reminder to my future self

I know it's a long road to even begin think about it but yeah, you know me.

soooooo, I've been settling down with a couple of choices about my graduate study.

You might think that I don't even near to my Diploma degree and now I am thinking about pursuing my graduate degree? Yeah like I never got into oh-this-college-thing-frustrates-me-I-wanna-immediately-get-married thingy lately.

don't ever believe anything that Internet told you, but this sure worth a shot

Here they are, the list of my probable future almamater (ASTUNGKARA!!!). I don't know why I settle for this major. The main reason is because I will be working in the public area so I think that this major will be beneficial to my carrer? Yeah, what do I know.

I used to wanna have Econometrics as my major, or maybe something related to Macroeconomy (funny thing, I am suck at Micro). But yeah I don't know, again, what do my current self know? My future self probably just laughing at me now.

I am at the point where I suddenly remember my long-lost dream. Well...not exactly lost since I know I always hold onto that dream. But you know, life's hard and I am not tough enough. I got weakened, I lost sight of what I really want to be, I have low endurance to high-pressure circumtances, I easily feeling like I'm about to give up. I am a quitter.

Or...I think I am

The truth is, I look at my current self and I never quit at all. I fought to my last blood *ceilah* and even if I didn't achieve as high as what I wanted to be, at least I finished it. Even I finished it will full dignity, even better than some people. I do not quit.

Recently, I've been given a picture of myself if I gave up so quickly and decided to go home. I can see myself holding to these five little creature that I don't think I can handle at the same time, married to a guy with good and stable job (a PNS or a lecturer, maybe), having this small little house in the subburb, continuing my bachelor and master degree at the local university (and I could just stop right there, buddy. Yep. No doctoral degree), probably giving up my whole carrer and be that ibu-ibu who get into the office at 07.30 sharp, leave at 09.00 and come back at 16.00 just to have a finger-print attendance or even quit my job and be a lecturer instead so I can have a flexible working-hour.

Not that I didn't see all the ease that I must've been had. I got to work by car, not by any discomfortable-yet-dangerous public transportation. I can save my money, at least at the beginning of my working year. I could have a business (a florist, like I promised I would make with my bestfriend) beside my main job. I can have my parents visit me everytime we wanted to see each other. My dad can drive my childern to school, like he always wanted to. And my mom could have my husband dropping me and her at the salon, like she always wanted to. I will not have to worried about my kids don't know their culture or having trouble being a minority. Or hell, I won't be worried about having a multireligion family...

But don't get me started with the perks of living in the capital city and the opportunity cost (I don't have to explain what opportunity cost, right? It's the cost that you should pay for something that you HAVE ALREADY lost and what you MIGHT get losing to that choice) if I had gone home after I graduated. The point is, I got freaked out. Like, totally freaking out. Why? Because I could really see that happening. No, you cannot get this. You might thinking, "what is so bad about having those kind of life?" Yeah I know, that probably most of girls' dream about what their future would be like (if they already have one, duh). It's not like it's a nightmare, hell yea it even daydream to other girls.

It seems so real to me. Like I could really see me in that picture. Me running from one school to another, picking up my girls and boys. Catching up with a friend saying, "sorry ya cyin gue ga sempat dandan. mandi aja udah syukur" with all of the hecticness and having one of my child constantly asking for going home. Got to deal with my children wishes and trouble. This is the worst part. I've been working my ass of not to be a burden for my parents because I just want to have a good-briliant-nice looking-children. Call me old-fashioned, but oh Dear, I do really think karma work that way.

And you know what the second worst? Having to see my friends have a more successful career than me. Not that I didn't work as hard as them or yaiyalah-rumput-tetangga-lebih-hijau-lo-gatau-pupuk-mereka-lebih-mahal-dan-mereka-nyiram-lebih-rajin thingy. It's because I know I had the chance and I choose to blow it away. I know that is the choice that in the beginning I might happy taking but I know it will make me dying. You know what? It probably doesn't even matter. I got this beautiful children, successful husband (in their oppinion), a good career (to them), great life-to sum up everything.

But this ain't your life, sweetie.

This is my life, and we're going to do it my way. I may have a breakdown anytime near in the future. But that doesn't mean a thing. I will recover and reminded about this dream. The dream that I only shared to a couple of people because it scares me to death that I couldn't make it but can't help to brag about it all the time. If it doesn't scare you then it doesn't big enough, huh? Well, I guess it is then!

Now if you excuse me, I would like to continue copying two articles of a law that has twenty-four verse on EACH before translating a solution manual answer for my homework.

Well yeah, same me, just different semester.

wish me luck-

Sandya

0

edisi curhatan malam

HAAAAAAAAAAH

did you know that I lost my phone a couple days ago?
and I lost some money too..

I think I was hypnotized, because I didn't really remember what happened back then
the next thing I know is that my wallet was empty and my phone has gone.
that phone.....barely has a scratch on it yet, it was probably one 1 year old:((
and btw, it was the first phone that my parents fully bought me, and I feel soooo awful that I've lost it.
besides, the price nowadays is still so damn expensive.

anyway, talking about the post-traumatic...
I am litterally scared of going out and walking alone.
I used to go everywhere by myself; I used to be independent and fearless-and I thought it was a good thing.
Many people has reminded me not to go all by myself, but I've used to be alone. I think I enjoyed being alone and I am okay with it.
But maybe God wanted to remind me that it is not, that I can't go alone all the time, I still need other people.

2 years in the Cap City, I am doing just fine. I never see Jakarta the way media describes it.
But now, I really felt that Jakarta has no grace, if you want to survive, you have to be strong enough.
I think I am not strong enough :((

I want to give up.

Not to mention that I am not doing really good in my exams.
I regret those wasted times, I shouldn't be that careless.
I just wanted to have an increasing GPA, for God's sake.
I am tired having a decreased one back then in PU.
Can't I have one in here? Please?

This week is not a good week for my mind.
I am mentally drowned.

:((-
Sandya

0

Sudden thought on D-3 Final Exam

This is just a friendly reminder.

About how we should focus on what we already have, instead of counting what we haven't have.

Because sometimes we become forget to be grateful.

I had just realized that I have such a wonderful family.

I have a complete parents who happened to love me so much and always try to fulfill not only my needs but also my wants.

A strong mom who always hold me whenever I am about to giving up, whose presence I've always craving for, who 24/7 do her role as my personal cook, my safe driver, my financial advisor, my family's accountant while at the same time doing her job as a government officer; who always motivates me in every possible way (and by EVERY, I do mean it :p) even she might be a little confuse and careless sometimes, it doesn't decrease the respect I have for her and the love I feel everyday. She always be the perfect mother to me and I couldn't ask for more.

A smart dad who inspires me a lot, who always have the answers to every question I've asked, who always protect me as his little girl no matter how big I've grown; who always become the king in my heart. He can be a little bit tempramental and impatient but I think that is just how boys are:p this man never loose faith on me, he always proud of my achievement no matter how small it is, and that is what I am living for.

I have a brother and sister, which never left me wondering what does it feel to have a brother or a sister because I have both! They are indeed could turn out to be a pain in the ass, and I suddenly become broke everytime I go home just because I have to take them to a fancy restaurant and pay for it; but it all worth it.

My brother might be seems careless, but he actually pay attention to what happening in me. And turns out by the time he's grown, he'd become my personal guardian (along with my personal driver since he got his driving lisence, which make me become laziiiiier to drive)

My sister might wore my clothes without permission, she might kicked me out of MY room and said the only thing that left of me in the house is only my closet (I'm getting tired of hearing this one) but she never stop cooks me Kue Cubit or Egg Bennedict or Grilled Salmon or even Martabak Mi! And I start to wonder, who is the older sister, again?....

No matter how autis I become, how embarrasing I turn out, but they will always see me as their role model, and that is what keeps me to pull myself.

I got the best college to learn Accounting and the exact place to work where I wanted to be since.....forever?

I got the chance to learn from the best, and compete with Indonesian's excelence even though SOME of them seems can't enjoy life the way I do.

I had some friends for life, who will be by my side-like some clichè will said, "for better or worse".

I never had difficulties to make friends; I have friends from all kind of genre. Ofcourse, not all of them I'd like to call best friend, but at least I will never have to spend my time with my self, or run out of topic to talk.

I had the chance to study miles away from home, had the comfort that not all of my fellas could have the chance, yet I still complained about how hard my life turns out whenever I go back to the cap city: where there is no mommy to cook me food, or no daddy to drive me for school.

I had the decent room, with luxurious facilities while there are some of my driends have to share their small room for two without any air conditioner.

I had enough money from my parents to go to Sbux 4 times a week, eat meat 3 until 2 times a day (no wonder I gained so much weight, duh), or buy a new clothes and shoes every once in a while.

And I had the chance to go home at least 3 times a year, while others have to wait till they're graduate.

Oh, not to mention that my parents surely had the chance to visit me in between :">

I never actually had the difficulties to learn. Well, it's my fault that I spend 7 from 8 weeks of lecture playing around and hanging out every night. Not to mention that I always play handphone in the classroom. But still, (without any intention to brag) I've done better than probably half of the class? 

If we only look upside, we will never feel enough. It is actually okay to look upside but that is just for motivation. To show us that there is a possibilities to do better than this.

But you could know your limits too!

The point is, I have to remember that I have probably most of people the thing that they're still praying for, and I couldn't help my self but moan and complain and blame how life could be this cruel to me.

And in anytime soon, if I do it again.

I beg you to slap me right in the face, before life does.

So, Sandya. Let's be grateful. No need to complaining so much because there are so many people who wants to be in your place, or maybe be you.

May Brahman always enlightning your soul so you will never lost in the Adharma path. Astungkara.

Blessed-

Sandya❤️❤️

0

I thought I wanted to be this way

00.44 am.

There is a thought that constantly bothering me...

Earlier this day, I got PoA 2 lecture. We're studying about investment. Honestly, I like this topic because investment-to me-is some kind of way to get rich without have to working too much (yha emang dangkal banget sih) but too bad I couldn't understand it:( I don't know....maybe I got concentration issue since it really hard for me to be focus at class and not get distracted by other things:(

Anyway... That is not my point.

My lecturer was explained about consolidated financial report and blablabla-since I didn't quite pay attention to him-and he mentioned about a financial report from a company that has 100 subsidiary company and you have to consolidate all of them. Like....I didn't get how should we consolidate 2 companies yet!

And that makes me thinking....the kind of thinking that really bothers you at this hour.

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

I know, that question is a clichè question. But to me, I never really think about it. I thought being an accountant is what I wanted to do for life, or at least, something related to the economy will do.

And now I kind of hit by the reality, that the inner part of me refuses to work my asses off 8-5, counting on others' wealth, checking and auditing others' taxes, or so. I realized that this is may something that I will do for living, but definetely not what I am going to do for life.

So the universe is somehow trying to conspire and show me the sign that I should as soon as possible actuating my dream since......junior high? To be an entrepreneur.

Being an entrepreneur somehow runs in my blood. Both sides of my grandparents are entrepreneur, my parents once an entrepreneur (and will be again soon, Astungkara), and I sold an harvest paper for Rp. 1000 when I was in elementary school. My brother sold his vape above the price when he bought it; my sister somehow sold something online. See? It runs in our blood!

I was scrolling ask.fm page when I saw a girl with capital not more than Rp. 300000 and now she build a shoes empire. I was looking at LINE's timeline and there is a girl who succeeded building her online shop with million rupiah omzets per day. I think that is probably the way God telling me to do this project as soon as possible.

Here I am. By the beginning of the next semester I will start my project. It surely still a blurred pictures now but I will figure a way! Wish me luck!

Finger crossed-

💵Sandya💵

0

TEDxSTAN 1.0

Last sunday I had the biggest opportunity to join as a volunteer in a non-profit organization named TED. But I was involved in its TEDx which is an independent organized TED event.

I was joining the Concept and LO team. The jobdesc was pretty much what I've enjoyed the most; organizing event, compute the proper concept for the first ever TEDxSTAN, and finding the speaker who will speak about their ideas and experiences.

The preparation was pretty short tho; approximately we only have a month to prepare all the things from the scratch. Fortunately, I was working with such an amazing team. Not only mine, but also other. Ofcourse our event wasn't perfect, there are still things that should be improved on the next event but overall, it was good;)

I got the chance to specially LO-ing one of STAN alumnae, Mr. Ibnu Najib. He is one of ex-employee in Ministry of SOE(he has just quit about 3 months ago) and now having fun doing his agricultural project and helping farmers around Bandung.

I don't know him at first, but once I'be read his CV. Wow. You know that I always have a dream to continue my master degree in UK? Well he took his on UK. Actually that is the first thing that make me interested to know more about his project. Then I opened his website and find out more about his farm. Knowing that his farm is located in Bandung, I become more interesting-I finally have additional reason and a kind of pressure to visit Bandung as soon as possible!

I haven't got enough chance to really speak wirh him because before his turn, he was busy preparing his material for the talks, and after that I saw that he was determined to learn new things from other speakers, so I shutted my mouth eventhough I wanted to ask sooooo much!

You know the interesting thing that I observed after the event finished? All of the speaker was giving each of their name cards. And that is lesson number xxx that night; networking is important! Who knows that you will need a help from an architect, even if you are a film director now?

Unfortunately, as a LO that night, I couldn't watch the whole talks but hey, who cares? The video will be uploaded on the site (you can check on tedxstan.com) and I could learn later. But the chance to personally know the speaker? It was priceless.

The point is, I really glad to be given the chance to contribute myself in TEDxSTAN 1.0. I do really hope the lisence can be continued so I could still volunteering as the team at least until I graduated?

The Concept and LO Team

Part of the whole team. Looking forward to get the chance working with you guys at TEDxSTAN 2.0!

0

Fantasy Bubble

"The relationship hasn't even started yet. You're just living in a fantasy bubble, San"

Aku ga bakal tau kalau hari ini aku bakal dapat sebaris kalimat yang bikin aku terbangun dari tidur panjang.

Or should I say, my beautiful nightmare?

I've been living my life with such hatred to somebody that I actually know has nothing to do about my heartache. It was totally my fault; it is my fault that I surrender too fast. But I need somebody to blame and there he was. He was like the prince charming whose presence I've been waiting my whole live. He gave checklist in almost all of my specification-which pretty much said that, he fulfill all the quality that I need from a man who I want to accompany me for the rest of my life. He might not be the perfect guy; he is not the best, there are so many people who is better than him-plenty! But he perfectly match my list, so yeah.

But than tonight, I don't know where I started but I found myself curhating with my senior (which totally weird since I am not really the kind of person who open to everybody-trust issue, remembuh?) about "si anjing". And what hits me that he gave pretty much the same statement that my mom once said in the beginning of my moaning period; "You haven't met him yet. How could you fall for him so deep?"

Simple. He has all the things that I need from a boy. Smart but not that text book smart? Checked. Dewasa? Checked. Berfikiran kritis? Checked. Vissionaire? Checked. Family guy? Checked. Lurus tapi ga lurus-lurus banget? Checked. And the one that I haven't found in anybody yet, that he knew kapan dia harus mengalah atau kapan dia harus teach me a lesson so I will not be seenaknya to him. I need to learn to control my ego. Somehow I believe that he can do that. Oh yea, he did that once.

The point is, he said that I still live in my fantasy bubble. I tend to fantasize something that hasn't came true yet. He said that MY relationship with him is a fantasy. No babe, not that I haven't realized it before, but I was forced to accept the truth; I was forced to swallow the bitter truth-it might be bitter but it is true. We were nothing. Before we met and officially said that we are dating each other, then we still nothing.

And tonight, I choose to be honest with my self.

What makes me be so hard to accept the truth? I can't believe that I am still naive. After all these years, I am so easily convinced that what we had was real. I forgot that bad guy is not always wearing a black cape with a horn above his head, so I could notice who he is; but I was wrong. I learned the hard way that my prince charming might turn into the bad guy. Then you woke up in the middle of the day, that prince charming who is funny and makes you feel better, has finally decided to wear his black cape and left you behind, bleeding.

Somehow my senior pop that bubble and awakened me. The moment he said that I am living in my fantasy bubble, it really hits me. Suddenly all these things make sense. But not that I suddenly moved on and totally let it go. Deep down in my heart, I still hope that we ARE real. I keep telling myself that we met at the wrong time. Maybe later on in our life, we finally met again after being separated for the second time, and we could give it another shot. One ever said that no matter how far people go but if they're meant to be, the will be together eventually. But no matter how hard you tried and worked things out, if that is not meant to be happening, it will just be apart forever. You will not find a way.

So now, if you asked me to move on and let him go, I cannot promise you anything, because like Selena said, "there's a million reasons why I should give you up. but the heart wants what it wants."  But indeed, I just let things flow as how it supposed to be.

One thing for sure, tonight I am relieved. I finally made peace with my self; I finally accept the truth and I am a better person because of it. I finally confess to my inner self that me and him have nothing in the past. He's not right for leaving me that way, indeed, but I can't blame him either. I am the one who has a bigger role on this condition. I am not blaming myself either (because it is not good to always blaming ourselves, duh),  I just tried to find the core of this problem and I've found it.

I found that what I had (or think I once had) with him was unreal. We, especially me, living in a circumstances full of assumptions. We haven't had the chance to meet and for God's sake San! I can't even imagine that I actually valued virtual relationship this deep, oh my.

This is why I found it really hard to forgive him. Simply because he has no mistakes. He owes no explanation. He breaks no vows since he made none. I am the one who assumed too much and I am the one who should stop blaming others for my dirty works and start to take the responsibilities. The minute I realized my fault, is the moment that I finally realize if I want to make this done, I have to forgive myself, which I just finally did. It is okay to make mistakes. You just have to learn from that mistake so you can avoid making the same one in the future.

"because the person I've become today are the result from choices that I made yesterday"- how karma works in life.

Relieved-

Sandya

0

calming moment

H-4 UTS semester 2, and I don't have the same anxious feeling as I had last semester: which I kinda confused whether it actually a good thing or a bad one._.

Akhir-akhir ini aku ngerasa kaya dead-man walking. Despite of the broken-hearted-thingy ya, aku emang ngerasa kehilangan passion, ngerasa pengen nyerah aja, and sometimes, I even want to go home and started my study from the beginning. Tapi untungnya, aku ga segila itu. Aku masih sayang sama orang tuaku dan diriku sendiri. Gimana mau nikah muda kalau km baru mulai kuliah di umur 19 tahun?

Nelfon bapak 2 kali akhirnya membuat aku sedikit tenang. Aku cerita sama Bapak kalau aku capek. Aku capek ngepush diriku sendiri ke limit yang aku sendiri gatau sejauh mana aku bisa constraint. Aku capek harus bertahan sendiri, ngelakuin semuanya sendiri, menanggung semuanya sendiri, ngatur semuanya dari A-Z sendiri. Aku capek bagi waktu. Aku bingung. Aku bahkan gatau apa yang sebenernya aku mau. Sampai pada akhirnya aku punya pemikiran bahwa it is okay not to be the best at everything and be average instead. You will hurt no one and you will lose none.

Bapak bilang aku harus santai, harus jalan-jalan dan refreshing. Tapi aku mikir, kurang refresh apa coba-tiap malam jalan, tiap malam ketawa-ketiwi sama Anti Wacana. Terus aku kurang fun apa? Suddenly it hits me: maybe my inner introvert self is tired. Dia lelah harus bersosialisasi terus menerus dan dia butuh waktu. So my dad advised me to take my own me-time and here I am! At Sbux exactly doing nothing but typing this story.

Dan Bapak juga bilang, it is okay. Nobody ever asked me to be the best on everything but myself. Satu hal yang sejak lama pengen aku dengar akhirnya terucap juga: bahwa Bapak bangga sama aku :") bahwa Bapak bangga bisa cerita ke orang-orang kalau ada anaknya yang bisa berkuliah di STAN. bahwa Bapak dan Mama bahagia anaknya udah (Astungkara) bisa mandiri financially dan tanpa perlu menjadi yang terbaikpun hidupku nanti udah tercover bahkan lebih dari cukup.

That was the day that I finally let go a little bit of me that still want to be that y-jacket part. Dosen Mikroekonomiku pernah bilang kalau anak yang mengikuti keinginan orangtuanya dan membuat mereka bahagia, maka Surga menjadi milik mereka. Amin. Aku rela melepas keinginanku dengan ikhlas kalau misalnya orangtuaku senang aku kuliah disini dan mereka bangga sama aku. Kalau mereka memang bangga punya anak PNS, then let me be it.

Tapi diberi kebebasan seperti itu gak langsung bikin aku mengendorkan standar. Malah aku jadi menemukan secercah *cie* semangat lagi. Pelan-pelan dari yang 7 minggu ga pernah nyentuh buku selain waktu masukin ke tas, jadi mulai berniat belajar walaupun akhirnya setelah baca 2 halaman langsung main hp lagi. Sebenernya mind-set ini salah sih, tapi aku mikir waktu semester 1 aku bisa ngangkat nilai C waktu UTS jadi nilai A- di akhir hanya dengan belajar serius waktu UAS, then I still have the remaining 8 weeks to work my ass off.

Aku sekarang ingat tujuanku setelah kuliah disini: untuk menjadi orang yang totally concern dalam bidang akademis. But I can't help myself. Seeing my peers doing an actual changes tickles me. Aku ngeliat temen-temen sebaya pada ikut konfrensi, bikin komunitas non-profit dibidang sosial, and the thing that I can do is hedoning around-_- kadang ngerasa kecil banget kalau udah ngeliat kiri-kanan. But then I realize that each of us has different goals and purposes. Not to mention about priority, though.

Jadi, mulai semester depan aku bakal beneran fokus sama akademik. Aku yakin aku masih bisa mewujudkan mimpiku biarpun banyak orang yang bilang kalo mimpi itu gila. One ever said that if it doesn't scare you a little than your dream isn't big enough.

Tapi itu semua bikin aku berfikir.. sebenernya aku pengen jadi apa sih?

Of course, once I graduated from here, I have to be a PNS (for at least, 10 years-or more if I continue my D4 in here). Tapi setelah itu, apa aku mau menghabiskan seluruh umurku menjadi PNS? Mungkin aku ga tau diuntung; disaat banyak orang rela nyogok ratusan juta untuk jadi PNS, aku malah pengen menyianyiakan kesempatan ini. Yah... namanya juga manusia.

Kenapa aku gak mau jadi PNS? Simple, jadi PNS (yang lurus dan halal) ga bakal bisa bikin kamu jadi orang kaya. I don't want to be a hypocrite. Siapa sih yang ga pengen jadi orang kaya? Sebenernya ga kaya juga sih because everyone's definition about happiness is different. Intinya sih aku pengen punya penghasilan yang cukup buat beli rumah yang napak tanah (gatau kenapa masih ga suka sama the idea of having an apartement.....), beli mobil operasional (syukur kalo masih ada sisa buat beli mini cooper), bisa fulfill my shopping desire everyday, bisa makan siang di Pacific Place tiap hari, bisa jalan-jalan liburan keluar negeri at least once a year, bisa belanja barang-barang branded tanpa harus nunggu diskon atau nunggu disubsidi Mama, bisa bayarin biaya kuliah Saktut (aku gamau bayarin biaya hidupnya. bisa mati berdiri w), bisa ngajak Mama sama Bapak ke India sama keliling Eropa.....

That is my bucket-list when I am single. What if I am married really soon?

So, that salary must cover the insurance for my childern, bisa memberikan fasilitas yang terbaik di bidang pendidikan dan basic needs. But I don't want to spoil them. Waktu aku masih kecil, aku berfikir kalo anakku nanti bakal aku manjain; mereka bakal aku beliin mainan yang paling baru, baju branded, dan leisure yang paling yahud. Once I grow up I realize that wasn't the right way to make my childern happy; and also I realized that my parents raised me that way not because they cannot afford it-but simply because they wanted to teach me a lesson.

It leads me to a new thinking.... Apa aku benar-benar mau nikah muda?

Well, not really. I am not ready yet. Aku masih mau membelanjakan gajiku buat tas Fossil model terbaru daripada harus beliin susu dan pampers anak :") egois sih tapi bukannya itu jadi alasan tambahan buatku untuk ga cepet-cepet nikah? Aku tau apa sih-_- Siapa bilang lebih enak menikah daripada kuliah (atau kerja)? Kalau kamu menikah kamu harus menghadapi mama mertua (that is my biggest nightmare). Bayangin deh, ngehadapin mama sendiri aja kamu pusing kan, gimana ngehadapin mama mertua yang gamau anak laki-lakinya lebih menyayangi kamu daripada dia? I am not ready yet for that kind of drama, sorry. (btw, additional reason not to date anak tunggal, oops)

Setelah blog-walking, aku baca sebuah blog yang menceritakan kehidupan typical wanita ibu kota-late 20s, having a great carrer, unmaried. She rather pursuing her career and dream than rushing into someone that she actually not sure about. I totally get it. Hal yang biasa buat cewek-cewek untuk belum menikah even di umur 28 (but I can't guarantee if I can survive that long) and they are happy-or they seem are. She made me thinking twice about my dream to settle down in my early 20s. Padahal your 20s supposed to be the time for you to explore, to start something when you got nothing to lose.

By not having a boyfriend now nor getting married before 25 will not make your world end. Itu kesimpulan yang bisa aku dapat sekarang. Kalau memang belum yakin kenapa dipaksa? Like I said before, kamu masih punya jatah gagal selagi muda; baik itu gagal di akademis, gagal di usaha, atau gagal di percintaan. So what if the man that you once thought will be the one suddenly left you behind? Toh kamu pernah merasakan sakit yang lebih dari ini, and guess what? You successfully moved on. Kalau dari patah hati yang begitu hebat aja kamu bisa bangkit, apa yang mencegah kamu untuk bangkit kali ini? 

Aku selalu percaya kalau Tuhan itu sayang sama aku. Tuhan gak mau melihat aku gagal. And that is why, people, God removes people that will become distraction from my road to success. Aku juga selalu percaya kalau Tuhan udah menentukan siapa yang akan menemani aku dan aku temani untuk meraih sukses sama-sama. Cuma waktunya bukan sekarang. Mungkin nanti, mungkin besok, mungkin tahun depan, atau mungkin 3 bulan sebelum aku menikah?

Yes. Aku masih sakit hati. Aku masih bingung mau jadi apa nanti. So what? I still have plenty of time to figure it out (or I think I do?) Intinya adalah, I shouldn't be worrying to much and start acting instead.

Getting better-

Sandya

1

Here we go again

I am in a constant battle of thanking God for showing that he's not good for me and asking God for what goodness do we have to met if he only left me another scars?

I always know that coming back to an ex will only left you on the same page; it will never work.

But somehow, I like being on comfort zones. I like seeing familiar faces and having a nostalgic memories. With someone that coming from your past, you just have that special connection that you will never have with anybody else.

I thought God separates us for a reason; to reunite us after we're mature enough to value love so we won't playing around and goofing around-because it is not what I am looking forward. I don't date people who can't convince me that he can be the one for me. The one who will be there supporting every step I will take. The one who will as success as I will. The one that I could build an empire with...

But I was wrong.

He said that he was afraid that he can't give me what I want.

Fuck him. I haven't asked anything yet.

I just ask him to be there by my side while I am by his too. To fight for US.

Is that too much to ask?

He said that he was afraid to hurt me.

Well once again, fuck him. He hurt me already.

Why say that he have faith in me, that he love me, that HE FUCKING WANT ME TO BE HIS LAST when the truth is that he is soon going to left me?

Well, fuck you. Fuck you a hundred billion times.

Despite all my anger, from all lies that  I've ever heard, "You and I" was my favorite.

And your "I love you" is the second one..

I should've know that "us" is a false hope but I choose to believe it anyway.

Because I know if I am willing to fall in love, I would have to feel that pain from falling.

This is the second time you hurted me. I can't believe that I am still as naive as when I was 10 years old. I think that all that "first boyfriend" thingy will make differences-I don't even think of you for years before you pooped up in my Facebook page asking how am I doing. But again, thank you. I know that this will bring something good eventually-I just have to figure it out.

Good bye ex. There will not be the third time.

Xoxo-

Sandya

0

I am not ready

Fuck.

I don't know whether I really want to be with him or this is just a temporary excitement of meeting a familiar faces.

Fuck. Not again.

Not when I started to believe that he is meant for me.

Not when I started to surrender and giving all I have to him.

Not when I started to let go and ready to be together with him.

Please God, no, not again...

I am willing to compromise, I am willing to gave up some things and losing some if that is what it's take to be with you.

But please, don't treat me like I am your punchbag; or worse, your escape zone.

Please don't.

Because I love you already.

0

Only Hate The Road When You're Missing Home

5th week of the semester
what have I done? nothing

I got trouble dividing my time between one extracurricular task with another; I haven't had the chance to study comprehensively-I even think that I studied harder last semester; my Brevet course messed up with my make up classes even one of the test will be coming soon. I am so fucked up.

I have 3 weeks remaining to catch up all my study, I have about 2 weeks to prepare NAC, and I have less than a week to face final night of PPA. not to mention about my regular task in my voluntary organizations. I am totally screwed.

I don't think that this is the good weeks-or month-to me. I feel like I am running out of time when honestly I didn't do anything. I am lack of motivation. I am to spoiled by my comfort zones; I want to go back there many times recently.

I kinda lost sight of what I really want to be. I want to give up sometimes. I don't wanna be the best on everything, I just want to be average if it makes me happier than now. I want to be usual. I don't wanna continue fighting. I don't even feel to continue this post anymore.

The point is, I am tired. I want to go home. For good


miserable-

Lolita

0

Keeping up with Sandya

Oh my God it is just me being lazy.

I have about 3 writings due tomorrow, and probably some writing that I promised you to write here earlier.

It is not that hard, but the beginning is always the hardest part.

I have all the material in my head.

I have all the time needed.

All I need is the will to write (or type, in this case?)

I even promised to write about my birthday, aren't I?

Well, nothing really special actually. But since I expected nothing for it, I became quite happy that I got 2 flowers (you guess who were the sender yourselves), I got a birthday package from my parents (yea, padahal baru mau minta mentahnya aja LOL), and the most surprising gift, is a surprised from some of my classmates. Mau banget disebutin namanya? LOL not gonna happen, I am going to left them all anonymous. But just you all know (in case any of you guys read this), thank you for the surprise. I am thrilled :)

Then finals. I am not working hard enough, as hard as my other friends did, but it was the hardest effort I have ever given for studying. So, I think it was a good beginning and I am still looking for the right way and pattern to study in here but I have found it anyway so hopefully I could done better in the future.

The result? It was out this Friday. It was below my target, numerically and statistically. I don't really bothered if only my Dad didn't sound so disappointed on the phone. I know that he know this is not the best of me, that I could do better, that I could've reached my goal if only I were focus and determined and not easily distracted by other things. Unfortunately, I am not.

Many of my friends might see me as annoying bitch that doesn't know how to be grateful to get the highest GPA of the class. First problem, I am not being the highest since I got it with my other friend. Second, they don't know that my parents and I have bigger expectation than this. So I am really sorry not to sorry for you because you have such a low expectation and have been satisfied if only you get as high as my GPA, but again, sorry not to sorry, I have much more than that. Third, you might been pissed why the hell on earth out of 35 other people in class should be me that have it since I spend most of the time playing and hedoning away? hell, you have no idea what I did on my sleepless night, right? So let me tell you now...........I was blogging or probably watching movie HAHAHA

Tomorrow will be the first day on the new semester. I have more subjects and I think I have to raise up my game. I have to be more determined and focus of what I wanted to. I have to remember that instead of raising my first child while pursuing my Bachelor degree, I'd rather be pregnant while chasing my master degree abroad :") I have a lot of bucket lists! and some of them are contradictive in a funny way. For instance, I want to be married on the age of 21 so I could be as cool as Yukiko Kudo, having a teenage son while I am still as young and beautiful as fudge:)) but I also want to have fun and spend a lot of money for myself and not having to think about saving for my childern's future if it means that I have to cut off my budget and not having the chance to have those Kate Spade's new arrival?

I've seen my mom. As long as I remember, she always put me first before herself. I want to buy a new shoes, then she bought it for me. I don't know whether she actually saving her money for that kicking stiletto or that fancy bag, but all I've known was she sacrifice her leisure needs to fulfill her childern's wants. Not only me, but also my sister's and brother's. I can remember that she barely buy anything for herself when I was a kid. She always put our wants over hers, she never bought anything fancy. It took her more than a decade of her marriage life to have a branded thing: after my dad have had a better position at work.

Well, me? I am not ready yet to be like that. I am still selfish enough to be a mother. I am might be istriable but I am sure as hell I am not even close to mamaable. I still want to spend my money on a fancy luncheon with my fellas, buy that English-well-known-branded-watch, or that American-designed-tote bag. I am still thinking about me.

My mom is a wonderful woman. She is unselfish. She put her children happiness over her. Nope. She put her family happiness before hers. She has been suffer enough and she is the one that taught me to be strong in life, to be on my own because the one that could save us is ourselves. She is actually the reason why I am trying so hard. Because I know that my success will make her proud. That her pride will ease all the pain that she had. That one thing that make her happy is to see that her daugther grow into the person who could stand on her own and not causing problem for other people.

She is also strong, both mentally and physically. She is working and she take care of her children needs very well. My mother could prepare 3 kinds of breakfast (nasi goreng, roti, nasi+lauk), clean the house, and get ready for work in the morning (biarpun that caused a real chaos at my house everymorning because she is being mad._. but that's just mother in general I think) That is why I don't have excuse for not having both later on, because I know that one could have, and the real living example is my mom. I don't believe those craps that say, "anak kalo ibunya kerja bakal kurang perhatian dan cenderung jadi rebelious". I wanted to ask, am I? LOL honestly, I am rebel in my mind but I don't have the guts to do so because I love my parents too much and by being rebel, I know that will hurt their feeling and that is the last thing I want in my life.

So, am I ready to become a mom? Hell no I just turn 19 last month, dumbass-_-

Or else, I wanted to travel and see the world as much as I can but I also want to have a good carrier in my life. We both know that we can't have it all both since if I want to pursuing my carrier, I might have to spend all of my time at work and give it a full attention. And if I travel a lot, I need to have a lot of money in which, I have to work to get it. Nah, another lust of mine besides shopping; travelling!

If I may conclude, as I quoted from a best-friend of mine, "Kita ini terlalu banyak maunya, jadi susah buat fokus." Very well said, Fel. I wanted too many things I even became crazy just to think about it. I want to have a balance life because I still believe that I can have it all. What I forget is, yes, of course we can have it all, but we can never be the best of all...and yet I still push myself to be the best on everything. God, I wish I am not this hard on myself.

Sometimes, I even lose sight of what I wanted to be. I am not a fighter, I even want to gave up and left everything behind, I want to be average people who live and die without giving impact. Many people in my life will laugh at me when I say I want to be "something". They might expect me to be an employee and having a good salaries, living in the suburb with the man I will be married to. Unfortunately, I can't. I want to be something. I want to be seen as someone. I want my children to see me and follow me and proudly say, "That is my mom." (yeuu, eug emang anaknya visioner kebangetan). I want to tell them about life, about what I have seen along my journey, about what I have done wrong and what I am doing in the right way.

I said earlier that I want to see the world and I also want to have a good carrier. Then where is the marriage part took place?

This is why I want to be married young, besides of the anime-part dream. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid if I am not settled down anytime soon, I will be happy alone. I mean, I am used to being alone and beside, I have my family. So, why would I bothered to be with someone if he can't understand me, support me, accept me, and push me into a better person, all at the same time? I want an equal partner; the one who as good as I am, well maybe a little bit better but not too much? he he he.

I think this is because my dad.......when I was passionately tell him about my dream, how I determined to be it, how I couldn't see anything but it, he suddenly said that no mater how high my dreams are, I should remember that I am a woman, that I should be married eventually. And when I am married, there are some other things that might be considered if I want to keep chasing my dreams, and by that he means my husband and children.

I am not saying that I don't include them in my future. Oh, hell! Even my sister still mocked me with this statement of mine that I couldn't even remember I ever said about!

Saktut    : Mbokdek, boleh Saktut minta buku barbienya ga?
Me         : Gak boleh. Itu nanti mau Mbokdek kasi buat anak-anaknya Mbokdek.

Then she told my mother what I said. And they laughed. I mean, those books are rare. I bought it when I was in elementary school, I even bought it on my old Elementary School and now the store has closed. So, it was rare and even myself feel sorry for using it and now my sister asking me to give it to her? That statement was out automatically and my sister still brought that up sometimes-_-

I AM thinking about having a family. But I don't want them to become my barrier of chasing my dreams. My dad scares me with the sentence, "when you were married, you will think twice about continuing your study, about sacrificing your children future over your carrier. In the end, you will have to choose." and I don't think I can choose now. I want to have both because I've seen people that could have both. But once again, I should remember that I couldn't have the best of both. Uh, unless I am Hannah Montana or something.

Me myself even don't think that I could make it. Every once in a while I keep changing my dreams. But one that never goes from my mind, that I wanted to have a business in fashion industries. Not many people know that I once wanted to be a designer but than I realized that I couldn't draw. And that my parents will not allow me to enter fashion academy. Oh, I always wanted to be a Minister. I always have. But in this point of my life, I don't think that is possible. I am such a quitter. Not to mention that I am such a pessimistic too. I see many young people at my age has already give real impact to the world while I am here sleeping and typing about my dreams without any realization. I am ashamed, and demotivated. Others might see that as a trigger for themselves but not for me. I am thinking that I am nothing compared to them. I feel that I have nothing to be proud of while sometimes I am satisfied with the accomplishment that I had, when in real life........da aku mah apa atuh cuma remahan boncabe di sela-sela gigi:')

And I just finished reading a book. Like some kind of mini-biography from an owner of a well-known teenage magazine in the country. She told about her struggle during the beginning year of her start-up. Before this I always thought that she was born rich, that she has no difficulties running the business. But she proved me wrong. She came from an average family. She wrote that she once have a luxurious life when she was very young but she didn't remember any because she only remember that when she was growing up, she live in average living and she has to work on something if she had something to ask. 

Remind me of my self. I remember that I also once have a luxurious live when I was little (riding a Mercy, wearing Kuta Kids clothes, having a Baloon dress) but then I don't know since when but I was growing up having an average living. Means that I didn't get Barbie dolls everytime I wanted to; I have to had a good grade first or save money that my Grandmother gave me, my father picks me up from school riding a motorcycle. I even remember that when I was a kid, I have to share 1 cup of Baskin-Robin ice cream with my brother and sister. I know it doesn't mean that my parents couldn't afford it; they just taught us to be able to share and not being greedy. Even until now, when we have our own cup, we still share because we would like to taste different flavors and we love sharing-even I still mad if I caught my sister wearing my clothes :p

I don't know since when but I think it all started when my father has a job. At first, it was only my mom who worked and I think she worked at an accounting firm because from the stories she told, she's being paid well enough back then. I think when my father has a job, we started to live by our own (I mean, my father and mother did). Because if I am not mistaken, before that, my Grandparents supplies our need and that is why I could live luxuriously, because indeed, my grandparents were rich. And they are generous (well, which grandparents aren't?) Oh, I remember my brother once wanted a fancy bicycle that looks like motorcycle. My brother have seen this bicycle for a long time, but my mom only keep promising "later" and one day he asked my granddad and then booya! my granddad directly bought my brother that bicycle. It made my mom furious, she is telling my granddad not to buy him anything and I remember what she said, "It's not that I can't afford him that bicycle. But I want to teach him a lesson to be patient and to understand that we should work if we want something. I don't want you to spoil him because, yes, now I can buy him these toys he is asking for. But what is he keep asking for toys and someday I couldn't help to afford?" Then my granddad nod and stay silence. (note to self: don't left your child with your parents because they will spoil your kids)

I wish I could raise my kids in the right way later on. Not only in term or raising children, I wish I could do all the things in the right way, I wish I still have my idealism. A friend of mine twice said that I am too visionnare. My dad's too. He always told me to take one step at a time but I couldn't have myself to jump-or worse, to see that there will be barrier three steps ahead and that what's keep me from taking one. I am afraid of all the what-if scenarios on my mind. Until my father said, "It is okay if you eventually cannot reached your short-term goal. Remember, one step before another. Kalaupun memang bener-bener ga bisa, at least you already have a good work with good salaries. Your live will be safe. (and flat, and monotone-I add) Kita berbicara berdasarkan asumsi. Kalau asumsi-asumsi itu berubah, maka langkah yang kita ambil yang diubah. Visi tetap sama, misi yang berbeda.". I also think that even I wanted to be different, I always have the same goal on my mind: to be a better people, to give value for others, and in a larger scale, to change my country into a better place for living-mentally and physically.

Merdeka!-

Sandya

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Randomism in Valentine Day

Lovers into friends, move on to strangers

Let go, no more us, move on-I'm trying

Denying, Saying 'Time will heal'
Keep lying to make me feel I'm OK
So you believe, I'd forget you
Seriously? Are you kidding me?

You're out of your mind to think that I could keep you out of mine.

Happy used to be together you and me

Things die, drift apart wait for a new start

Denying, think you'll fade away
Keep lying I can hear you say "You're in touch with reality"
Baby, I'd say, are you kidding me?

 

How can you say I'll be alright?

What makes you think that I'll be fine?
Baby you have to be completely out of your mind, to think that I could keep you out of mine.

Tove Lo-Out of Mind

----

Sometimes I feel tired denying to myself, to other people about my true feeling. I could repetatively say that I don't love someone or I don't have any special feeling to them but it's just me lying to my self (or anyone that I am talking to)

Like seriously, "you're out of your mind to think that I could keep you out of mine". It almost a year, or in the more serious case, it nearly seven.

I don't think that I could express my current feeling than this song ever could.

Happy Valentine Day to all people that I love-

Sandya xx

ps: I will post this year bday story next week (luvluv)

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The Love of My Live

Hello, February.

It is 1/28 days of my favorite month, despite of this is my birthday month and the month which allows chocolate factory to gain more profit-because of the day called Valentine.

Talking about Valentine and love and shits...

You must be wondering sometimes..

Who actually the guy that I recently called as "The love of my life"

Well kids, I still remember the first day I met him

*HIMYM mode on*

July 2007

I was graduated from my Elementary School, and enter the best school in town but honestly that was my parents' choice (so typical me). I entered 7E, a regular class-with an average mind and also a casual classmates. No one special. Like all of the other students, I tried to make as many friends as I could, never thought that the boy sitting next to me (not my chair-mate tho, get it?-_-) will be the boy I can't get rid till I graduate from High School.

September 2008

Back then in my Junior High, the class will remain the same until we graduated. So, I am on the same class with that boy. We talked a lot, he is funny and easily make friend with everybody. One day, I've dream about him and I keep thinking about him ever since. One of my friend told me to text him and I did. But he didn't reply. I have such a gut, rite? Hahaha

Long story short, he knew that I like him and he "test" me. He ask me to be his girlfriend, and what he expected me to say? Of course I said yes. It was September 13th.

3 days later, he broke up with me. Could you guys imagine? 3 days. The-3-days that changed my life.

so, I remember writing this at September 13, 2012

I don't have any courage to tell him that I love him. 

Not when his action towards my feeling always make me wothless. 

Not when he always makes me feel that I am the one who trying to make things work, even if indeed, I did.

Not when he constantly asked me to move on and left everything that once we had together, behind.

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing and within the next second, I want to tell you what happened. Then it hits me again-every single time-that you're not here anymore. That I lost the one thing that mattered to me"

Remember the nights we've shared together?

The one that requires you to stay up late, even when I know that you can't stayed up that long.

Or the days that you spend after school, spending hours just to hear me drolling about nonsense?
I miss talking to you. Because you're one of a few people who can understand what I am talking about, how I felt about something, or how I perceive something.
And especially, you're the one who could listen to the words that I left unsaid.

"Their love was strong, but the timing was wrong. And love decided that they didn't belong"

I constantly said that I think we met on the wrong time.
Do you know the clauses that said, "sometimes you met the wrong people at the right time or the right people on the wrong time"?
In our case, I think the latter came to us.
I keep wishing and wondering what if we met latter in our life.
When we're older and more mature. when I am not as naive as I used to be.
When I value relationship like I do now...

"Two people who were once very close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers; perhaps is the saddest thing in the world"

I can't say that we're friends now, since in my definition of friend, they are the people who be there for you at least for hearing what you have ever been through. That what my cliche definition tho but we're not talking about definition and shits.
I am talking about, since when we becoming stranger?
Don't you ever said that we could still be friend?
I thought that talks of bullshit only consist on movies or novels.
I didn't remember if I have ever done something bad to you that makes you hate me this much.
That makes you treat me as a total stranger...

It's okay if you can't love me, nor even think of me-I'm not asking you to. What I told you was "I love you", not "Please love me"

For years, I have unconditionally loving you. I don't asked you to love me back. I just want to have the chance to love you.
It hurts me, until I cannot feel the pain anymore.
It hurts me so much that it blinded me from what is right or wrong.
And indeed, it close my sight from seeing the one that really care to me.
Because the only thing that I could see, is you..

So, let's ignore each other. Try to pretend the other person doesn't exist. But deep down, we both know that it was not supposed to end like this.

And now you choose to keep distance away from me. That is fine.
I have learned how to survive without the presence of your living in my live.
It was hard at first, you lost the one that matter to you, the one that thought you how to love, the one who ever shared feelings with you, the first one.
I think the hardest part of moving on from you is, you are the first person that I have ever shared my deepest and darkest part of my life.
You accept me for who I am, and for who I am not. You are, no, you were completely patient and you surely can handled me at my worst.
Now that I've learnt better, don't you want to feel the better version of me?
Before we reached each other best time:))

It is hard to let go. Even when what you're holding onto is full of thorns, it's hard to let go. Maybe especially then.

Do not ever talked about pain to me. Especially the pain of loving someone without having the same feelings returned.
Just. Don't. Unless you want to hear me lecturing about how feelings should be kept and locked because every feelings need time and deserve to be fighting for,

Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.
 

Few years ago, when we're just entered high-school, I remember that we made a blog together.
We were both in relationship that time, but that didn't stopped us to keep sharing stories, even we're already living a different life in a different school, but we insist to keep in touch. Without hurting each other's lovers, we decided to share a blog together.

But then, your girlfriend found out. And in the excuse of "not wanting her to hurt" then you deleted that blog.
Don't you know that by saving her feeling, you have hurted mine?
You have no idea how mad I was.
I was upset, that you choose her over me.
That you choose a girl who you just knew for months, over me that you have known for years by that time.
That you pick her feelings over mine, without knowing that I loved you more than her.
Oh yes, I can love you harder, sincerer, more than any girl that you ever loved in this world (except your mother, of course-but she doesn't even considered as "girl" tho)

People like to say that love in unconditional. But it is not. And even if it is unconditional, it still never be free. There is always an expectation attached.

The selfish-foolish part of me always believe that deep down in your heart, you still love me.
In my defense, you still remember the words that I said which was, "After me, you are allowed to have as many girlfriend as you wanted to. I want you to see other people and explore, instead of spending the years after with me and get bored eventually. I want you to see the world and compared; just to find out that I will be the one that love you this much. But then you have to remember to come back to me 10 years after this, because you know, even if I have had spend times with other people, I will be here waiting till the day that we're both ready to settle down in marriage and rot in each other's arm"
I have no idea that 10 years are a lot of time. Hell, even a lot could happen in a year. I don't know that you didn't value what I ever said or you didn't remember that I have ever said that things to you.
But you know, when I said that, I meant it. I have traveled (caelah) a lot of boys and I could find the one that nearly understand me like you do.......or maybe I just didn't give them the chance to, idk.
I don't know that in our cases, it's only me that could keep the promises, and you're the one who broke them.
Nevermind.. Like I said, it's my fault; I was to naive that I believe love story is supposed to end happily and my prince charming will always stays by my side no matter how hard things are supposed to be kept.

*pardon that blurry and lepex face*

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you will learn better.
But most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved-a piece no future lover could ever get, that holds innocence-the belief that love really can last forever.
It holds friendship and pain; trial and error; that one kiss you will never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back.
It holds youth and everything you thought love would be.
Everything that was proven wrong.

So, there I was in the new year's eve, holding the jar consisting quotes about how I feel about us that I supposed to gave you almost 3 years ago but I didn't have the courage and the chance to.
I hope by throwing it into the beach, I could also throw away my feelings for you.
Just remember when we're finally didn't belong in each other's future life,
that there was once a girl who ever love you this much
before your future wife could possibly do.

Maybe I stop wishing you a long prayer every birthday or even didn't wishing you any wishes at all.
Just so you know, that I do that in purpose; to keep you away from the responsibility to reply all my kindness or even to ignore it so I will be tired eventually.
No, tired is never be in my dictionary when it comes to loving you.
At least not now, or by the nearer time.

"kamu ketidakmungkinan yang selalu aku semogakan"

With love,

Sandya

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