reminder to my future self

I know it's a long road to even begin think about it but yeah, you know me.

soooooo, I've been settling down with a couple of choices about my graduate study.

You might think that I don't even near to my Diploma degree and now I am thinking about pursuing my graduate degree? Yeah like I never got into oh-this-college-thing-frustrates-me-I-wanna-immediately-get-married thingy lately.

don't ever believe anything that Internet told you, but this sure worth a shot

Here they are, the list of my probable future almamater (ASTUNGKARA!!!). I don't know why I settle for this major. The main reason is because I will be working in the public area so I think that this major will be beneficial to my carrer? Yeah, what do I know.

I used to wanna have Econometrics as my major, or maybe something related to Macroeconomy (funny thing, I am suck at Micro). But yeah I don't know, again, what do my current self know? My future self probably just laughing at me now.

I am at the point where I suddenly remember my long-lost dream. Well...not exactly lost since I know I always hold onto that dream. But you know, life's hard and I am not tough enough. I got weakened, I lost sight of what I really want to be, I have low endurance to high-pressure circumtances, I easily feeling like I'm about to give up. I am a quitter.

Or...I think I am

The truth is, I look at my current self and I never quit at all. I fought to my last blood *ceilah* and even if I didn't achieve as high as what I wanted to be, at least I finished it. Even I finished it will full dignity, even better than some people. I do not quit.

Recently, I've been given a picture of myself if I gave up so quickly and decided to go home. I can see myself holding to these five little creature that I don't think I can handle at the same time, married to a guy with good and stable job (a PNS or a lecturer, maybe), having this small little house in the subburb, continuing my bachelor and master degree at the local university (and I could just stop right there, buddy. Yep. No doctoral degree), probably giving up my whole carrer and be that ibu-ibu who get into the office at 07.30 sharp, leave at 09.00 and come back at 16.00 just to have a finger-print attendance or even quit my job and be a lecturer instead so I can have a flexible working-hour.

Not that I didn't see all the ease that I must've been had. I got to work by car, not by any discomfortable-yet-dangerous public transportation. I can save my money, at least at the beginning of my working year. I could have a business (a florist, like I promised I would make with my bestfriend) beside my main job. I can have my parents visit me everytime we wanted to see each other. My dad can drive my childern to school, like he always wanted to. And my mom could have my husband dropping me and her at the salon, like she always wanted to. I will not have to worried about my kids don't know their culture or having trouble being a minority. Or hell, I won't be worried about having a multireligion family...

But don't get me started with the perks of living in the capital city and the opportunity cost (I don't have to explain what opportunity cost, right? It's the cost that you should pay for something that you HAVE ALREADY lost and what you MIGHT get losing to that choice) if I had gone home after I graduated. The point is, I got freaked out. Like, totally freaking out. Why? Because I could really see that happening. No, you cannot get this. You might thinking, "what is so bad about having those kind of life?" Yeah I know, that probably most of girls' dream about what their future would be like (if they already have one, duh). It's not like it's a nightmare, hell yea it even daydream to other girls.

It seems so real to me. Like I could really see me in that picture. Me running from one school to another, picking up my girls and boys. Catching up with a friend saying, "sorry ya cyin gue ga sempat dandan. mandi aja udah syukur" with all of the hecticness and having one of my child constantly asking for going home. Got to deal with my children wishes and trouble. This is the worst part. I've been working my ass of not to be a burden for my parents because I just want to have a good-briliant-nice looking-children. Call me old-fashioned, but oh Dear, I do really think karma work that way.

And you know what the second worst? Having to see my friends have a more successful career than me. Not that I didn't work as hard as them or yaiyalah-rumput-tetangga-lebih-hijau-lo-gatau-pupuk-mereka-lebih-mahal-dan-mereka-nyiram-lebih-rajin thingy. It's because I know I had the chance and I choose to blow it away. I know that is the choice that in the beginning I might happy taking but I know it will make me dying. You know what? It probably doesn't even matter. I got this beautiful children, successful husband (in their oppinion), a good career (to them), great life-to sum up everything.

But this ain't your life, sweetie.

This is my life, and we're going to do it my way. I may have a breakdown anytime near in the future. But that doesn't mean a thing. I will recover and reminded about this dream. The dream that I only shared to a couple of people because it scares me to death that I couldn't make it but can't help to brag about it all the time. If it doesn't scare you then it doesn't big enough, huh? Well, I guess it is then!

Now if you excuse me, I would like to continue copying two articles of a law that has twenty-four verse on EACH before translating a solution manual answer for my homework.

Well yeah, same me, just different semester.

wish me luck-

Sandya