when I grow up

"when I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
when I grow up, I wanna see the worlds, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
when I grow up, fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out of scene..."

when I grow up-pussycat dolls

when I was a kid, I wanna grow up to be smart..

Thank God, I was one (notice the past tense:">)

In high school, I wasn't a total dork nor a queen bee. I am not smart enough to be on the dork team (and cool enough, duh :p). I am surrounded by such beautiful and girly girls but I ain't one. I am the only one that different among them. I friends with boys (the five of them probably the only girl friends I have), my jokes are cruel, I never pay attention to my appearance because I always think what inside is the thing that matter, and I still do by the way.

I am the smart one, the dominant one; the one whose opinions and voices they couldn't beat-the alpha female, which made me the only member of the group who remains single for the rest of our high school times.

The last 2 years of my high school years, I have to witnessed all my clique having different boyfriends. Not that I am jealous, no.. I even heard someone said that my friends have already having 4 different boyfriend while I got none. I didn't bother; while deep down all of my friends complaining about how dramatic it was to be in a relationship, I have the privilege to avoid all of the drama and being free instead.

But no, this is not only about the boyfriend thingy.

Being in a group full of girly girl makes me looks like I am the careless one. I never put ANY makeup, not even a powder or a lip-gloss during my high school (hell, not even today duh) while my friends even put blushes and contact-lenses.

That makes me different. Makes me look weird. People will look at me and felt intimidated, they said. People will never look at me and jokes with me. People takes me seriously. Sometimes it feels sucks. Only my close friend know how crazy I am and I am not as stiff as what I am appeared to be. In boys cases, nobody will ever see me while I am surrounded by my flawless friends...

I never jealous until recently I discovered that I am tired of being the serious one. I am tired of boys looking at me feeling intimidated. I wanna be like girls in my age. I wanna play fool and beautiful sometimes (even if I know that girls can be beautiful and smart at the same time but that is not my point honeyyy). I wanna belong to the standard that society sets. I wanna be the beautiful one for once. 

So, I started to take care of my appearance. What do I get? I got more compliment than I used to. I got numbers of boys hit on me. But I don't want to be with them; they are just numbers of boys I can't see myself to be with. I look at the kind of boy who I wanted to be and the truth hits me; they pick not the smart one, not the beautiful one, but they choose the kind one.

I grow up to discover that eventually, good boys will settle for the kind one. They don't need a girl who discover a new compound in a periodic table nor they need a girl who wins a beauty pageant. They will fall to the girl next door (PS: I write this post after watching HIMYM S5E10, so yeah)

Kinda make me thinking, am I not kind enough? Screw insecurities. The point is, be yourself. The best version of you is the one that you are comfortable to be. Don't change because the society makes you, change because you needed to.

and the last one..

be careful of what you wishes for cause you just might get it

xoxo-

Sandya