Fantasy Bubble

"The relationship hasn't even started yet. You're just living in a fantasy bubble, San"

Aku ga bakal tau kalau hari ini aku bakal dapat sebaris kalimat yang bikin aku terbangun dari tidur panjang.

Or should I say, my beautiful nightmare?

I've been living my life with such hatred to somebody that I actually know has nothing to do about my heartache. It was totally my fault; it is my fault that I surrender too fast. But I need somebody to blame and there he was. He was like the prince charming whose presence I've been waiting my whole live. He gave checklist in almost all of my specification-which pretty much said that, he fulfill all the quality that I need from a man who I want to accompany me for the rest of my life. He might not be the perfect guy; he is not the best, there are so many people who is better than him-plenty! But he perfectly match my list, so yeah.

But than tonight, I don't know where I started but I found myself curhating with my senior (which totally weird since I am not really the kind of person who open to everybody-trust issue, remembuh?) about "si anjing". And what hits me that he gave pretty much the same statement that my mom once said in the beginning of my moaning period; "You haven't met him yet. How could you fall for him so deep?"

Simple. He has all the things that I need from a boy. Smart but not that text book smart? Checked. Dewasa? Checked. Berfikiran kritis? Checked. Vissionaire? Checked. Family guy? Checked. Lurus tapi ga lurus-lurus banget? Checked. And the one that I haven't found in anybody yet, that he knew kapan dia harus mengalah atau kapan dia harus teach me a lesson so I will not be seenaknya to him. I need to learn to control my ego. Somehow I believe that he can do that. Oh yea, he did that once.

The point is, he said that I still live in my fantasy bubble. I tend to fantasize something that hasn't came true yet. He said that MY relationship with him is a fantasy. No babe, not that I haven't realized it before, but I was forced to accept the truth; I was forced to swallow the bitter truth-it might be bitter but it is true. We were nothing. Before we met and officially said that we are dating each other, then we still nothing.

And tonight, I choose to be honest with my self.

What makes me be so hard to accept the truth? I can't believe that I am still naive. After all these years, I am so easily convinced that what we had was real. I forgot that bad guy is not always wearing a black cape with a horn above his head, so I could notice who he is; but I was wrong. I learned the hard way that my prince charming might turn into the bad guy. Then you woke up in the middle of the day, that prince charming who is funny and makes you feel better, has finally decided to wear his black cape and left you behind, bleeding.

Somehow my senior pop that bubble and awakened me. The moment he said that I am living in my fantasy bubble, it really hits me. Suddenly all these things make sense. But not that I suddenly moved on and totally let it go. Deep down in my heart, I still hope that we ARE real. I keep telling myself that we met at the wrong time. Maybe later on in our life, we finally met again after being separated for the second time, and we could give it another shot. One ever said that no matter how far people go but if they're meant to be, the will be together eventually. But no matter how hard you tried and worked things out, if that is not meant to be happening, it will just be apart forever. You will not find a way.

So now, if you asked me to move on and let him go, I cannot promise you anything, because like Selena said, "there's a million reasons why I should give you up. but the heart wants what it wants."  But indeed, I just let things flow as how it supposed to be.

One thing for sure, tonight I am relieved. I finally made peace with my self; I finally accept the truth and I am a better person because of it. I finally confess to my inner self that me and him have nothing in the past. He's not right for leaving me that way, indeed, but I can't blame him either. I am the one who has a bigger role on this condition. I am not blaming myself either (because it is not good to always blaming ourselves, duh),  I just tried to find the core of this problem and I've found it.

I found that what I had (or think I once had) with him was unreal. We, especially me, living in a circumstances full of assumptions. We haven't had the chance to meet and for God's sake San! I can't even imagine that I actually valued virtual relationship this deep, oh my.

This is why I found it really hard to forgive him. Simply because he has no mistakes. He owes no explanation. He breaks no vows since he made none. I am the one who assumed too much and I am the one who should stop blaming others for my dirty works and start to take the responsibilities. The minute I realized my fault, is the moment that I finally realize if I want to make this done, I have to forgive myself, which I just finally did. It is okay to make mistakes. You just have to learn from that mistake so you can avoid making the same one in the future.

"because the person I've become today are the result from choices that I made yesterday"- how karma works in life.

Relieved-

Sandya