The Love of My Live

Hello, February.

It is 1/28 days of my favorite month, despite of this is my birthday month and the month which allows chocolate factory to gain more profit-because of the day called Valentine.

Talking about Valentine and love and shits...

You must be wondering sometimes..

Who actually the guy that I recently called as "The love of my life"

Well kids, I still remember the first day I met him

*HIMYM mode on*

July 2007

I was graduated from my Elementary School, and enter the best school in town but honestly that was my parents' choice (so typical me). I entered 7E, a regular class-with an average mind and also a casual classmates. No one special. Like all of the other students, I tried to make as many friends as I could, never thought that the boy sitting next to me (not my chair-mate tho, get it?-_-) will be the boy I can't get rid till I graduate from High School.

September 2008

Back then in my Junior High, the class will remain the same until we graduated. So, I am on the same class with that boy. We talked a lot, he is funny and easily make friend with everybody. One day, I've dream about him and I keep thinking about him ever since. One of my friend told me to text him and I did. But he didn't reply. I have such a gut, rite? Hahaha

Long story short, he knew that I like him and he "test" me. He ask me to be his girlfriend, and what he expected me to say? Of course I said yes. It was September 13th.

3 days later, he broke up with me. Could you guys imagine? 3 days. The-3-days that changed my life.

so, I remember writing this at September 13, 2012

I don't have any courage to tell him that I love him. 

Not when his action towards my feeling always make me wothless. 

Not when he always makes me feel that I am the one who trying to make things work, even if indeed, I did.

Not when he constantly asked me to move on and left everything that once we had together, behind.

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing and within the next second, I want to tell you what happened. Then it hits me again-every single time-that you're not here anymore. That I lost the one thing that mattered to me"

Remember the nights we've shared together?

The one that requires you to stay up late, even when I know that you can't stayed up that long.

Or the days that you spend after school, spending hours just to hear me drolling about nonsense?
I miss talking to you. Because you're one of a few people who can understand what I am talking about, how I felt about something, or how I perceive something.
And especially, you're the one who could listen to the words that I left unsaid.

"Their love was strong, but the timing was wrong. And love decided that they didn't belong"

I constantly said that I think we met on the wrong time.
Do you know the clauses that said, "sometimes you met the wrong people at the right time or the right people on the wrong time"?
In our case, I think the latter came to us.
I keep wishing and wondering what if we met latter in our life.
When we're older and more mature. when I am not as naive as I used to be.
When I value relationship like I do now...

"Two people who were once very close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers; perhaps is the saddest thing in the world"

I can't say that we're friends now, since in my definition of friend, they are the people who be there for you at least for hearing what you have ever been through. That what my cliche definition tho but we're not talking about definition and shits.
I am talking about, since when we becoming stranger?
Don't you ever said that we could still be friend?
I thought that talks of bullshit only consist on movies or novels.
I didn't remember if I have ever done something bad to you that makes you hate me this much.
That makes you treat me as a total stranger...

It's okay if you can't love me, nor even think of me-I'm not asking you to. What I told you was "I love you", not "Please love me"

For years, I have unconditionally loving you. I don't asked you to love me back. I just want to have the chance to love you.
It hurts me, until I cannot feel the pain anymore.
It hurts me so much that it blinded me from what is right or wrong.
And indeed, it close my sight from seeing the one that really care to me.
Because the only thing that I could see, is you..

So, let's ignore each other. Try to pretend the other person doesn't exist. But deep down, we both know that it was not supposed to end like this.

And now you choose to keep distance away from me. That is fine.
I have learned how to survive without the presence of your living in my live.
It was hard at first, you lost the one that matter to you, the one that thought you how to love, the one who ever shared feelings with you, the first one.
I think the hardest part of moving on from you is, you are the first person that I have ever shared my deepest and darkest part of my life.
You accept me for who I am, and for who I am not. You are, no, you were completely patient and you surely can handled me at my worst.
Now that I've learnt better, don't you want to feel the better version of me?
Before we reached each other best time:))

It is hard to let go. Even when what you're holding onto is full of thorns, it's hard to let go. Maybe especially then.

Do not ever talked about pain to me. Especially the pain of loving someone without having the same feelings returned.
Just. Don't. Unless you want to hear me lecturing about how feelings should be kept and locked because every feelings need time and deserve to be fighting for,

Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.
 

Few years ago, when we're just entered high-school, I remember that we made a blog together.
We were both in relationship that time, but that didn't stopped us to keep sharing stories, even we're already living a different life in a different school, but we insist to keep in touch. Without hurting each other's lovers, we decided to share a blog together.

But then, your girlfriend found out. And in the excuse of "not wanting her to hurt" then you deleted that blog.
Don't you know that by saving her feeling, you have hurted mine?
You have no idea how mad I was.
I was upset, that you choose her over me.
That you choose a girl who you just knew for months, over me that you have known for years by that time.
That you pick her feelings over mine, without knowing that I loved you more than her.
Oh yes, I can love you harder, sincerer, more than any girl that you ever loved in this world (except your mother, of course-but she doesn't even considered as "girl" tho)

People like to say that love in unconditional. But it is not. And even if it is unconditional, it still never be free. There is always an expectation attached.

The selfish-foolish part of me always believe that deep down in your heart, you still love me.
In my defense, you still remember the words that I said which was, "After me, you are allowed to have as many girlfriend as you wanted to. I want you to see other people and explore, instead of spending the years after with me and get bored eventually. I want you to see the world and compared; just to find out that I will be the one that love you this much. But then you have to remember to come back to me 10 years after this, because you know, even if I have had spend times with other people, I will be here waiting till the day that we're both ready to settle down in marriage and rot in each other's arm"
I have no idea that 10 years are a lot of time. Hell, even a lot could happen in a year. I don't know that you didn't value what I ever said or you didn't remember that I have ever said that things to you.
But you know, when I said that, I meant it. I have traveled (caelah) a lot of boys and I could find the one that nearly understand me like you do.......or maybe I just didn't give them the chance to, idk.
I don't know that in our cases, it's only me that could keep the promises, and you're the one who broke them.
Nevermind.. Like I said, it's my fault; I was to naive that I believe love story is supposed to end happily and my prince charming will always stays by my side no matter how hard things are supposed to be kept.

*pardon that blurry and lepex face*

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you will learn better.
But most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved-a piece no future lover could ever get, that holds innocence-the belief that love really can last forever.
It holds friendship and pain; trial and error; that one kiss you will never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back.
It holds youth and everything you thought love would be.
Everything that was proven wrong.

So, there I was in the new year's eve, holding the jar consisting quotes about how I feel about us that I supposed to gave you almost 3 years ago but I didn't have the courage and the chance to.
I hope by throwing it into the beach, I could also throw away my feelings for you.
Just remember when we're finally didn't belong in each other's future life,
that there was once a girl who ever love you this much
before your future wife could possibly do.

Maybe I stop wishing you a long prayer every birthday or even didn't wishing you any wishes at all.
Just so you know, that I do that in purpose; to keep you away from the responsibility to reply all my kindness or even to ignore it so I will be tired eventually.
No, tired is never be in my dictionary when it comes to loving you.
At least not now, or by the nearer time.

"kamu ketidakmungkinan yang selalu aku semogakan"

With love,

Sandya