scumbag brain just doing flashback

I once ever opened myself to someone.

I give him all of me and left nothing for myself.
I thought he was the one, I cling to the idea that I will push myself to stay until God knows when...
I made it until 6 years....6 fuckin years of my life that I will never get back.
and then I met someone, someone that I judge from the very beginning that, he will never be the one for me.
hell, what did I know? he could be the one.
but I shut myself from the fear of being hurt for the second time.
I keep shutting myself until one day, I decided to give him a shot
yet it was too late, he had enough and walk away...
and here I am, almost 2 years later still moaning about how I should see that he trully did love me back then.
I was unloved for such a long time until I lived with the idea that no one could ever love me; I forgot how was it feel to be loved.
and I hate my self again, for not moving on from the idea that I pushed away everybody that trying.
.
.
I don't think that I could heal from such pain.

I am not even sure what I missed the most.
is it the memory or the person.
or maybe it's the old me; the person who I was before the heartbreak, that I missed more than anything in this universe.

and I never feel the way I felt when I am with him. I was happy eventhough we fight a lot over stupid things we weren't supposed to fight for.
I miss the way we talked for hours in his car, I miss the way I sneak between my meeting schedule just to meet him and tell stories about each of our days, I miss the way he held my hand when he was driving, I miss his silly habit, I miss how annoying he could be when he worried about me, I miss his smell when he hug me, I miss his stolen kiss on the cheek between the bookshelf, I miss all of our dates, I miss him saying I love you to me...

well, I guess I missed him a little too much tonight, didn't I?

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....but I wanna go home

sekarang aku tau kenapa aku selalu pengen pulang....

especially when exam weeks approaching like this...

so, speaking as a Balinese that currently living outside Bali, I always consider it as my home; my comfort zone, my place to squeal, my place to run away even for a while.
but now I started to think that it is a place to getaway for me. I will not stay longer than a month to bring my whole toiletries back home. ya....sesingkat ithu:))

aku selalu mikir kenapa at some point of my year, pasti akan ada high-season dimana aku selalu pengen pulang more than I used to. For instance: menjelang ujian, saat patah hati (yaduu), saat ada special celebration of my family member. Tapi semua itu bisa ditawar kok. kalo misalnya mama atau bapak habis dari Jakarta (on Bapak's case, kalo sempat ketemu) the urge of wanting to go home will decrease massively. but now, I just met Bapak two days ago, and out of the blue, I suddenly miss going home.

I miss the place that I called home. Dulu aku selalu wonder kenapa sih Bali penuh banget sama wisatawan like they don't know holiday season aja gitu, pokoknya kapanpun kalian ke Bali pasti rame sama wisatawan (which make the plane ticket so damn expensive all yeaaaar long). Aku selalu bingung apa orang-orang ini ga bosen sama Bali.

well, I found the answer the hard way....

Sebagai orang yang sekarang ke Bali cuma buat liburan, I never get bored. Despite of my whole family still living there, I always find a way to go back home. I discover the answer: it's the vibe.
Something about driving on the road that even had a tiny traffic at some point, but it will never stressed you out like Jakarta's traffic does to you. Something about walking the path around Sanur before having a breakfast on Men Weti. Something about going to Seminyak and try the restaurant and sometimes window-shopping walaupun udah tau sih price tagnya bikin......(isi sendiri)

Jujur aja, kalo dulu aku ditanya kenapa pengen pulang, I will answer within any second, "Di Bali semuanya gampang! Makanan udah siap, kendaraan tinggal pake, fasilitas lengkap. I don't need to take care my own needs by my self." Sounds spoiled tapi yha gitu....cuma beneran deh sebenernya ku tak semanja itu #ngeles. And now, ya... aku masih beli makanan sendiri, kemana-mana naik angkutan umum, all my activity centered only in room instead of my whole house. Tapi aku udah mulai bisa get along with it, it's no biggie anymore. Aku sadar kalo aku bakal menjalani pola hidup seperti ini dalam jangka waktu yang lumayan lama, I can live with it.

Speaking of Bali livin...now I wanna go home.
Even I am not that beach person, tapi aku pengen ke Sanur sekarang.....pengen ke Seminyak.....pengen ke Sakura beli bajakan *loh.....pengen ke starbucks yang di Ubud biarpun harganya di mark-up gila-gilaan!!!pengen kembali pulang ke pelukan mama yang selalu menerimaku apa adanya #baper....
hell, I even miss fighting over a fluffy guling with my sister:((

I don't know which one I wanted more; to bring my whole family here or to drag my whole life to Bali?



missing home-

Sandya

ps: aku abis narot loh! will tell about it soon(or after mid, I guess)
pps: today supposed to be....ah sudahlah, aku sebenerya juga udah ga baper-baper amat-_-

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when I grow up

"when I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
when I grow up, I wanna see the worlds, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
when I grow up, fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out of scene..."

when I grow up-pussycat dolls

when I was a kid, I wanna grow up to be smart..

Thank God, I was one (notice the past tense:">)

In high school, I wasn't a total dork nor a queen bee. I am not smart enough to be on the dork team (and cool enough, duh :p). I am surrounded by such beautiful and girly girls but I ain't one. I am the only one that different among them. I friends with boys (the five of them probably the only girl friends I have), my jokes are cruel, I never pay attention to my appearance because I always think what inside is the thing that matter, and I still do by the way.

I am the smart one, the dominant one; the one whose opinions and voices they couldn't beat-the alpha female, which made me the only member of the group who remains single for the rest of our high school times.

The last 2 years of my high school years, I have to witnessed all my clique having different boyfriends. Not that I am jealous, no.. I even heard someone said that my friends have already having 4 different boyfriend while I got none. I didn't bother; while deep down all of my friends complaining about how dramatic it was to be in a relationship, I have the privilege to avoid all of the drama and being free instead.

But no, this is not only about the boyfriend thingy.

Being in a group full of girly girl makes me looks like I am the careless one. I never put ANY makeup, not even a powder or a lip-gloss during my high school (hell, not even today duh) while my friends even put blushes and contact-lenses.

That makes me different. Makes me look weird. People will look at me and felt intimidated, they said. People will never look at me and jokes with me. People takes me seriously. Sometimes it feels sucks. Only my close friend know how crazy I am and I am not as stiff as what I am appeared to be. In boys cases, nobody will ever see me while I am surrounded by my flawless friends...

I never jealous until recently I discovered that I am tired of being the serious one. I am tired of boys looking at me feeling intimidated. I wanna be like girls in my age. I wanna play fool and beautiful sometimes (even if I know that girls can be beautiful and smart at the same time but that is not my point honeyyy). I wanna belong to the standard that society sets. I wanna be the beautiful one for once. 

So, I started to take care of my appearance. What do I get? I got more compliment than I used to. I got numbers of boys hit on me. But I don't want to be with them; they are just numbers of boys I can't see myself to be with. I look at the kind of boy who I wanted to be and the truth hits me; they pick not the smart one, not the beautiful one, but they choose the kind one.

I grow up to discover that eventually, good boys will settle for the kind one. They don't need a girl who discover a new compound in a periodic table nor they need a girl who wins a beauty pageant. They will fall to the girl next door (PS: I write this post after watching HIMYM S5E10, so yeah)

Kinda make me thinking, am I not kind enough? Screw insecurities. The point is, be yourself. The best version of you is the one that you are comfortable to be. Don't change because the society makes you, change because you needed to.

and the last one..

be careful of what you wishes for cause you just might get it

xoxo-

Sandya

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