Here we go again

I am in a constant battle of thanking God for showing that he's not good for me and asking God for what goodness do we have to met if he only left me another scars?

I always know that coming back to an ex will only left you on the same page; it will never work.

But somehow, I like being on comfort zones. I like seeing familiar faces and having a nostalgic memories. With someone that coming from your past, you just have that special connection that you will never have with anybody else.

I thought God separates us for a reason; to reunite us after we're mature enough to value love so we won't playing around and goofing around-because it is not what I am looking forward. I don't date people who can't convince me that he can be the one for me. The one who will be there supporting every step I will take. The one who will as success as I will. The one that I could build an empire with...

But I was wrong.

He said that he was afraid that he can't give me what I want.

Fuck him. I haven't asked anything yet.

I just ask him to be there by my side while I am by his too. To fight for US.

Is that too much to ask?

He said that he was afraid to hurt me.

Well once again, fuck him. He hurt me already.

Why say that he have faith in me, that he love me, that HE FUCKING WANT ME TO BE HIS LAST when the truth is that he is soon going to left me?

Well, fuck you. Fuck you a hundred billion times.

Despite all my anger, from all lies that  I've ever heard, "You and I" was my favorite.

And your "I love you" is the second one..

I should've know that "us" is a false hope but I choose to believe it anyway.

Because I know if I am willing to fall in love, I would have to feel that pain from falling.

This is the second time you hurted me. I can't believe that I am still as naive as when I was 10 years old. I think that all that "first boyfriend" thingy will make differences-I don't even think of you for years before you pooped up in my Facebook page asking how am I doing. But again, thank you. I know that this will bring something good eventually-I just have to figure it out.

Good bye ex. There will not be the third time.

Xoxo-

Sandya

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I am not ready

Fuck.

I don't know whether I really want to be with him or this is just a temporary excitement of meeting a familiar faces.

Fuck. Not again.

Not when I started to believe that he is meant for me.

Not when I started to surrender and giving all I have to him.

Not when I started to let go and ready to be together with him.

Please God, no, not again...

I am willing to compromise, I am willing to gave up some things and losing some if that is what it's take to be with you.

But please, don't treat me like I am your punchbag; or worse, your escape zone.

Please don't.

Because I love you already.

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Only Hate The Road When You're Missing Home

5th week of the semester
what have I done? nothing

I got trouble dividing my time between one extracurricular task with another; I haven't had the chance to study comprehensively-I even think that I studied harder last semester; my Brevet course messed up with my make up classes even one of the test will be coming soon. I am so fucked up.

I have 3 weeks remaining to catch up all my study, I have about 2 weeks to prepare NAC, and I have less than a week to face final night of PPA. not to mention about my regular task in my voluntary organizations. I am totally screwed.

I don't think that this is the good weeks-or month-to me. I feel like I am running out of time when honestly I didn't do anything. I am lack of motivation. I am to spoiled by my comfort zones; I want to go back there many times recently.

I kinda lost sight of what I really want to be. I want to give up sometimes. I don't wanna be the best on everything, I just want to be average if it makes me happier than now. I want to be usual. I don't wanna continue fighting. I don't even feel to continue this post anymore.

The point is, I am tired. I want to go home. For good


miserable-

Lolita

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