I don't know where you're going
but
do you got room
for one more troubled soul?
Fall Out Boys-Alone Together
Fighting
February 25th, 2017
12.12 am
Three years ago we broke up.
It was a casual tuesday afternoon, I was on my critical logic class-if I'm not mistaken, but I remember precisely it was on the 1st floor of B building. We were fighting the previous night, I don't really remember what exactly makes me mad at you. We haven't seen each other for a while even though we lived less than 500m away. The tight schedule of a short semester; me with my council work, you with your final project. We barely meet and that drives us crazy. We didn't communicate well, and boy did I take you for granted...
The previous night I stormed out from our chat and you just said, "Oke". I should've known better that you eventually can't stand my emotional ups and downs. You knew I was storming out because that's what I did whenever I feel like we're starting to have an argument. But I didn't usually get a one-word reply; you knew what I was doing and you gave me comforting words.
February 25th, 2014
It was tuesday afternoon when I was in my classroom. I heard one of my classmate said that you were going out and skipping class. I haven't called or text you since the night before and the first thing I did was confronting you.You feel offended and all the ticking-time-bomb we were planting burst-out when you said, "you should find someone better than me"
Being egoistic as I've always been, I didn't said a thing. I didn't fight, I didn't wanna hold into someone who wanted to let me go, I think I knew what I was doing, when in fact, I just being selfish. I don't want to be the one who apologize, so I'd better live in sorrow than begging you not to leave.
So I left. I left because I can't bear the feeling of seeing you without having the ability to be close to you. That's just too much pain for me.
It still haunts me on a night like this. The night where I realized how you actually loved me when I didn't have the ability to love myself. The night where I wonder if I can make up all the mistakes I've done to you. The night where I miss you so much, it hurts... I never have the guts to tell you what I really feel. But if I have given the chance to talk to you once more, I will decided to-for the first time,
Fight for "us".
0
12.12 am
Three years ago we broke up.
It was a casual tuesday afternoon, I was on my critical logic class-if I'm not mistaken, but I remember precisely it was on the 1st floor of B building. We were fighting the previous night, I don't really remember what exactly makes me mad at you. We haven't seen each other for a while even though we lived less than 500m away. The tight schedule of a short semester; me with my council work, you with your final project. We barely meet and that drives us crazy. We didn't communicate well, and boy did I take you for granted...
The previous night I stormed out from our chat and you just said, "Oke". I should've known better that you eventually can't stand my emotional ups and downs. You knew I was storming out because that's what I did whenever I feel like we're starting to have an argument. But I didn't usually get a one-word reply; you knew what I was doing and you gave me comforting words.
We were so good at fighting,
but when the time came,
the one thing we didn't fight for
was us
February 25th, 2014
It was tuesday afternoon when I was in my classroom. I heard one of my classmate said that you were going out and skipping class. I haven't called or text you since the night before and the first thing I did was confronting you.You feel offended and all the ticking-time-bomb we were planting burst-out when you said, "you should find someone better than me"
Being egoistic as I've always been, I didn't said a thing. I didn't fight, I didn't wanna hold into someone who wanted to let me go, I think I knew what I was doing, when in fact, I just being selfish. I don't want to be the one who apologize, so I'd better live in sorrow than begging you not to leave.
there's only so many streets, so many lightsI swear it's like I can't even leave my houseshould've known all along you gotta move or move onwhen you break up in a small town
Fight for "us".
2017
2017...
2016 went in a blink of an eye. But one thing for sure, I walked out with happiness.
Maybe because I'm not making any resolutions so that I don't know whether I failed or I succeeded, or maybe because I'm simply happier than last year.
I know that I haven't accomplished anything major this time. But I sure do have purposes. I have goals to be accomplished this year. Not exactly a resolution since I'm not good with that one, consider this as a guideline-if that makes any sense. These lists are the things that I want to do but I have no obligations to ((really)) make it happens. Do you know what I'm saying?
Anyway, if everything goes along the way, I will be graduated by September. With that event, I just wanted to be on the top 100 of my batch. I know I could done better but I've done sooooo much better than people who work their asses day and night and look where I am. But really, I just don't want my parents waiting too long to hear my name being called on graduation. So, guideline #1, to make it on the top 100 of my batch!
Speaking of which, by the end of the year I probably working already and as you know it, I may not have much time for holiday. Therefore, I want to make this year counts. I want to go to as many places as I can this year as my guideline #2. Thailand is waiting, and I'm planning on realizing my trip to Belitung, I also want to search for a friend to go to Banyuwangi, not to mention the last trip with Anti Wacana before God knows where we're going to be next year, and also realizing my Japan dream before graduating (AMIIIIN).
I also want to start taking another major besides this one. I really don't know whether this is the right major for me. I mean, do you really want to choose between learning what you like and learning something that will help you in the future with your work? Regarding this choices, I know a lot of people will asking why. Even my dad asked me what's with the rush. When people asked why now, I told them so I can get married quickly, when I know it has nothing to do with it. I can get married tomorrow if I wanted to-not really-but that's not my point. The truth is? I don't know. One thing for sure, why not now? I know with KTTA and TKD coming my way, this is probably the least of time I want to add something up. But who knows, the next couple of months I decided that I don't want to go to college anymore? What if I'm settling with one diploma degree along my name? Besides, this is the least thing I could do to my future family. My future kids will surely proud having a smart mother. What about scares man away? You heard this before-the man who got intimidated is not the kind of man I wanted to be with. I want somebody that I can build empire with. So, for guideline #3, I hope that both of my college will get along this year, without having to compromise one to the other.
I realized that it will soon come to the time where my parents won't really have much burden on their shoulder. By that time, I will take my parents abroad, whether if it's all the five of us or just me and my parents. I believe that my parents won't ask for me materially. They have so much more than me, money-wise. I understand that the love and the attention is what they needed more. I am asking for my health and my parents' (also my siblings') so that I can have the time and the opportunity to spoil them with the least I can do, whether it's a birthday presents, or just a five-minutes call each day. I know I rarely called them, but I'll make sure I'll call them more this year. And that's guideline #4.
I know this one will be the hardest one but......I wish that I could manage my money more wisely. Meaning, no impulse-buying like what I did just now (buying scented candle just because I was upset a blouse that I wanted to buy yesterday turns out to be sold out). I also have to stop buying designer bag. I have to stop going to Starbucks every weekend (two times every month is allowed, I guess?). I have to stop trying out new places for the sake of social status #panjat lol. It will be good if I could make more money, by teaching (yeah, I have to teach more this year) and by submitting my writing to the magazines(?). Hopefully, that can be a guideline #5
Speaking of which, last but not least, I hope that I still can write. I've lost my ability and the eager to write for a couple of months. Writing is something that I really love. I found peace and clarity when writing, there's nothing more satisfying than completing a piece of writing. So, guideline #6 is to write more and write better.
A lot of things that I'm grateful about 2016.
Me and my family is healthy (except for an occasional flu or else), my parents are trying new business (which is good), my brother seems to be changed for better, my sister got skinnier, I tried to open an online shop (but failed) (that's okay), I FINALLY bought a mirrorless camera, two Kate Spade's handbags, a KedsXTaylorSwift shoes that I've been wanting to buy, a #2 running shoes by runrepeat aka Nike Air Zoom Elite 8, a Giorgio Armani Si, and a lot more. No wonder I cashed out all of my savings. But hey, I'm happy! (for a while) (not really)
Love wise....I don't see that it will be improving anytime soon. I almost called sassy but I was thinking, "I don't know where will I be next year. I'm not risking my second chances if I'm not 100% sure. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right, by any means possible," if next year I still in Jakarta, then I will call him and we'll see what happens next. I'm not sure I will back with him, but at least I will have the clarity that I'm searching lately. If he's with someone by that time, than I won't bother him. Maybe this is just how things going to be and I will accept it. In the mean time, I'm not planning on getting close with somebody else. I'm tired of explaining myself to other people. I'm tired having the emotional play along the way. And what if, one day he decided that I'm too much to handle and he can't take it anymore? Just like what sassy did......
This afternoon, one of my friend asked, "what does it like, Sand? To be single for three years. Don't you miss dating?"
The truth is, define dating. If dating means that you have someone to go out every Saturday night, then I have it already. But what I really need is someone to run into at the end of the day to tell how my day was, without looking too needy or attached. I mean, I can do it freely with someone I'm being with. But with someone I'm not, I don't want to give the wrong impression.
Being alone for too long is like having your personal space for too long. Once someone come closer, you will feel annoyed. You don't know what to do; whether to hug him or to push him further. You really don't know what impact will bring from each of your actions.
For now, I like having no strings-attached. I could see what the world could offer. I know exactly what kind of man I want to be with. I am willing to compromise until a certain amount of limit. Excessing that, I don't think that is the kind of man I want to be waking up next to for the rest of my life. If there's any boy that can make me compromising beyond that, you can only find two among millions on the milky way galaxy.
Aaaaaanywaaaay, enough mumbling about cheesy love story of mine. You know it won't go far from that :p The point is, 2016 might not be the best, but sure as hell it wasn't the worst. And 2017, I might not fully ready, but let's just bring it on and see what I can do this year!
0
2016 went in a blink of an eye. But one thing for sure, I walked out with happiness.
Maybe because I'm not making any resolutions so that I don't know whether I failed or I succeeded, or maybe because I'm simply happier than last year.
I know that I haven't accomplished anything major this time. But I sure do have purposes. I have goals to be accomplished this year. Not exactly a resolution since I'm not good with that one, consider this as a guideline-if that makes any sense. These lists are the things that I want to do but I have no obligations to ((really)) make it happens. Do you know what I'm saying?
Anyway, if everything goes along the way, I will be graduated by September. With that event, I just wanted to be on the top 100 of my batch. I know I could done better but I've done sooooo much better than people who work their asses day and night and look where I am. But really, I just don't want my parents waiting too long to hear my name being called on graduation. So, guideline #1, to make it on the top 100 of my batch!
Speaking of which, by the end of the year I probably working already and as you know it, I may not have much time for holiday. Therefore, I want to make this year counts. I want to go to as many places as I can this year as my guideline #2. Thailand is waiting, and I'm planning on realizing my trip to Belitung, I also want to search for a friend to go to Banyuwangi, not to mention the last trip with Anti Wacana before God knows where we're going to be next year, and also realizing my Japan dream before graduating (AMIIIIN).
I also want to start taking another major besides this one. I really don't know whether this is the right major for me. I mean, do you really want to choose between learning what you like and learning something that will help you in the future with your work? Regarding this choices, I know a lot of people will asking why. Even my dad asked me what's with the rush. When people asked why now, I told them so I can get married quickly, when I know it has nothing to do with it. I can get married tomorrow if I wanted to-not really-but that's not my point. The truth is? I don't know. One thing for sure, why not now? I know with KTTA and TKD coming my way, this is probably the least of time I want to add something up. But who knows, the next couple of months I decided that I don't want to go to college anymore? What if I'm settling with one diploma degree along my name? Besides, this is the least thing I could do to my future family. My future kids will surely proud having a smart mother. What about scares man away? You heard this before-the man who got intimidated is not the kind of man I wanted to be with. I want somebody that I can build empire with. So, for guideline #3, I hope that both of my college will get along this year, without having to compromise one to the other.
I realized that it will soon come to the time where my parents won't really have much burden on their shoulder. By that time, I will take my parents abroad, whether if it's all the five of us or just me and my parents. I believe that my parents won't ask for me materially. They have so much more than me, money-wise. I understand that the love and the attention is what they needed more. I am asking for my health and my parents' (also my siblings') so that I can have the time and the opportunity to spoil them with the least I can do, whether it's a birthday presents, or just a five-minutes call each day. I know I rarely called them, but I'll make sure I'll call them more this year. And that's guideline #4.
I know this one will be the hardest one but......I wish that I could manage my money more wisely. Meaning, no impulse-buying like what I did just now (buying scented candle just because I was upset a blouse that I wanted to buy yesterday turns out to be sold out). I also have to stop buying designer bag. I have to stop going to Starbucks every weekend (two times every month is allowed, I guess?). I have to stop trying out new places for the sake of social status #panjat lol. It will be good if I could make more money, by teaching (yeah, I have to teach more this year) and by submitting my writing to the magazines(?). Hopefully, that can be a guideline #5
Speaking of which, last but not least, I hope that I still can write. I've lost my ability and the eager to write for a couple of months. Writing is something that I really love. I found peace and clarity when writing, there's nothing more satisfying than completing a piece of writing. So, guideline #6 is to write more and write better.
A lot of things that I'm grateful about 2016.
Me and my family is healthy (except for an occasional flu or else), my parents are trying new business (which is good), my brother seems to be changed for better, my sister got skinnier, I tried to open an online shop (but failed) (that's okay), I FINALLY bought a mirrorless camera, two Kate Spade's handbags, a KedsXTaylorSwift shoes that I've been wanting to buy, a #2 running shoes by runrepeat aka Nike Air Zoom Elite 8, a Giorgio Armani Si, and a lot more. No wonder I cashed out all of my savings. But hey, I'm happy! (for a while) (not really)
Love wise....I don't see that it will be improving anytime soon. I almost called sassy but I was thinking, "I don't know where will I be next year. I'm not risking my second chances if I'm not 100% sure. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right, by any means possible," if next year I still in Jakarta, then I will call him and we'll see what happens next. I'm not sure I will back with him, but at least I will have the clarity that I'm searching lately. If he's with someone by that time, than I won't bother him. Maybe this is just how things going to be and I will accept it. In the mean time, I'm not planning on getting close with somebody else. I'm tired of explaining myself to other people. I'm tired having the emotional play along the way. And what if, one day he decided that I'm too much to handle and he can't take it anymore? Just like what sassy did......
This afternoon, one of my friend asked, "what does it like, Sand? To be single for three years. Don't you miss dating?"
The truth is, define dating. If dating means that you have someone to go out every Saturday night, then I have it already. But what I really need is someone to run into at the end of the day to tell how my day was, without looking too needy or attached. I mean, I can do it freely with someone I'm being with. But with someone I'm not, I don't want to give the wrong impression.
Being alone for too long is like having your personal space for too long. Once someone come closer, you will feel annoyed. You don't know what to do; whether to hug him or to push him further. You really don't know what impact will bring from each of your actions.
For now, I like having no strings-attached. I could see what the world could offer. I know exactly what kind of man I want to be with. I am willing to compromise until a certain amount of limit. Excessing that, I don't think that is the kind of man I want to be waking up next to for the rest of my life. If there's any boy that can make me compromising beyond that, you can only find two among millions on the milky way galaxy.
Aaaaaanywaaaay, enough mumbling about cheesy love story of mine. You know it won't go far from that :p The point is, 2016 might not be the best, but sure as hell it wasn't the worst. And 2017, I might not fully ready, but let's just bring it on and see what I can do this year!
 |
| new haircut for new year? lol not really |
About Settling Down
I was stuck trying to complete my FSA task to analyze a bank's cash flow when I decided to open my Facebook page.
Nothing seems interesting before I saw a baby picture with a friend of mine tagged on it...
She was a close friend of mine, she was indeed beautiful. I remember she was the first one who got period on our class (so?). She was ambitious-yes, she WAS. She was on our top 10 or probably even top 5 on my class. Who knows that she will be giving birth on such a young age?
Then again, 21 is not really considered young. It's not teen pregnancy or something, a lot of people gave birth their first born on early twenties. But still! I am shocked by the fact that it just feel like yesterday when we both playing on the schoolyard, waiting our dads to pick us up.
I remember she was good at dancing. I always wanted to be on her team whenever dance lesson begins. She seems like having it all; good at academics, knows how to dance, beautiful. Who knows that the one I knew so close decided to settling down in such a young age? I remember I once envy her for being so close with the teacher-another ability I will never have. She was so ambitious and driven. What makes her settling down?
Then again I remember, we might not have the same pace anymore. When I am here stuck with all my assignments, she probably also staying up all night; changing her daughter's diaper or waking up feeding her. Same difference, huh?
It makes me wonder, not just an hour ago, I am having a phone conversation with some guy which I know I have no future with. Then I am flirting with one of my so-called-victim, when on the other chat room, I was having a good conversation with another boy. In fact, I am happy that I still have a lot of option to observe, but the question is: until when?
I used to want to settle on a young age-I still do by the way. But seeing that it's so close, with a lot of my friend married or even having children makes me wonder, do I really want to tie a knot now? I want to be selfish. I want to explore myself and explore the world. I know, exploring the world would be more fun with someone by your side. But do you really want to rush things out? This is the people that you will spent the rest of your life with that I'm talking about.
I guess it just the matter of the people, then. If tomorrow when I wake up, the love of my life asked me if I want to marry him, without blinking an eye, I will absolutely say yes...
Well maybe not.... I mean, he disappear and hurt me for what it feels like forever. But I sure will give him a second chance trying to proof his worth. The point is, I will not waste so much time because I know I will always want him and I always feel like he is the one who could dance with the demon inside of me.
I can't imagine being married right now. No matter how many times I complained, I actually enjoyed being in college, really. I have a lot of time to make mistakes-which is fine. And again, I have a lot of option. I still want to see what the world has to offer...
In less then 3 months I will enter the age where I said I want to be married. Then I have a full year to met the guy I want to be married to-which is nearly impossible. Even so, do I really want to be with someone who I just knew for a short period of time.
And, oh! A couple days ago, I had a dream that I was dijodohin and I am married. So absurd right? But the dream was soooo real... I don't know who he is but in my dream, I feel so comfort and I believe that even though we are dijodohin, I know that he will try his best to make me happy-if that makes any sense!
This whole marriage thing scares me sometimes. I see a lot of people who once vowed to be together and seems so in love decided to give it a call. As a hopeless romantic, I wanna scream, really???
I found this and I think it makes sense
0
Nothing seems interesting before I saw a baby picture with a friend of mine tagged on it...
She was a close friend of mine, she was indeed beautiful. I remember she was the first one who got period on our class (so?). She was ambitious-yes, she WAS. She was on our top 10 or probably even top 5 on my class. Who knows that she will be giving birth on such a young age?
Then again, 21 is not really considered young. It's not teen pregnancy or something, a lot of people gave birth their first born on early twenties. But still! I am shocked by the fact that it just feel like yesterday when we both playing on the schoolyard, waiting our dads to pick us up.
I remember she was good at dancing. I always wanted to be on her team whenever dance lesson begins. She seems like having it all; good at academics, knows how to dance, beautiful. Who knows that the one I knew so close decided to settling down in such a young age? I remember I once envy her for being so close with the teacher-another ability I will never have. She was so ambitious and driven. What makes her settling down?
Then again I remember, we might not have the same pace anymore. When I am here stuck with all my assignments, she probably also staying up all night; changing her daughter's diaper or waking up feeding her. Same difference, huh?
It makes me wonder, not just an hour ago, I am having a phone conversation with some guy which I know I have no future with. Then I am flirting with one of my so-called-victim, when on the other chat room, I was having a good conversation with another boy. In fact, I am happy that I still have a lot of option to observe, but the question is: until when?
I used to want to settle on a young age-I still do by the way. But seeing that it's so close, with a lot of my friend married or even having children makes me wonder, do I really want to tie a knot now? I want to be selfish. I want to explore myself and explore the world. I know, exploring the world would be more fun with someone by your side. But do you really want to rush things out? This is the people that you will spent the rest of your life with that I'm talking about.
I guess it just the matter of the people, then. If tomorrow when I wake up, the love of my life asked me if I want to marry him, without blinking an eye, I will absolutely say yes...
Well maybe not.... I mean, he disappear and hurt me for what it feels like forever. But I sure will give him a second chance trying to proof his worth. The point is, I will not waste so much time because I know I will always want him and I always feel like he is the one who could dance with the demon inside of me.
I can't imagine being married right now. No matter how many times I complained, I actually enjoyed being in college, really. I have a lot of time to make mistakes-which is fine. And again, I have a lot of option. I still want to see what the world has to offer...
In less then 3 months I will enter the age where I said I want to be married. Then I have a full year to met the guy I want to be married to-which is nearly impossible. Even so, do I really want to be with someone who I just knew for a short period of time.
And, oh! A couple days ago, I had a dream that I was dijodohin and I am married. So absurd right? But the dream was soooo real... I don't know who he is but in my dream, I feel so comfort and I believe that even though we are dijodohin, I know that he will try his best to make me happy-if that makes any sense!
This whole marriage thing scares me sometimes. I see a lot of people who once vowed to be together and seems so in love decided to give it a call. As a hopeless romantic, I wanna scream, really???
I found this and I think it makes sense
Everybody said it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work everyday with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the "feeling of love" has vanished or faded and they weren't happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.I am not worried anymore. As long as I found someone who wants to keep the commitment, I have no fear. I am tired of chasing love. Being in love is something, but the comfort and the certainty is what I'm looking for right now. If I'm lucky enough to have it all, then I'm a happy girl :))
The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication; chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.
The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments.
I've never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I've chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to find something to adore even on the ugliest days. I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they choose to look until they find them again.
I can't take it anymore
I am completely aware that my problem-or else, what I consider as problem-is nothing compared to others. But the thing is, it bothers me so much. Sure I can do so much when the sun rise to distract my mind from the wandering thinking-but this time at night when you just lying on the bed doing nothing, that, is when it hurts so bad.
0
I can't even talk about it because it so personal. Besides, talking about this particular problems outloud makes me feel like I have already surrender to them. That is the last thing on earth that I wanted to do.
I may seem careless, I may seem like I didn't think much about it, or maybe it seems like I don't know about the problem. I heard both sides. I think I am old enough to distinguish which part of the story is true and make sense. I am trying so hard to be neutral, to only hear from both sides, when really, all I wanna do is sit them both and make them talk honestly about how they feel and how they want others to be.
I never surpasses any information to each of them. I just heard. But tonight is the night that I lose it all. I really miss my mom and dad and even I miss Saktut. I feel so bad to her because she is just on her own right now. The thing with me and my brother is, we had our moments together. And we both growing up and growing apart at the same time, so once we've grown, we come back and missed nothing. Unlike my sister who 6-years apart from me, I feel like we have so much to catch on.
Not to mention my mom. She always cleans the mess-literally and figuratively. Her anxiety sometimes just too much, but I think that's just how you're going to be when so much thing put on the top of your shoulders. The least I can do is to study hard and behave.
And then my dad. I always respect and agree with his thinking. So does his decisions. Until lately, I think something is blurring his sight. I cannot get the idea of why he take certain decisions when I know, the dad who was born under the same sign as I am, will never consider, let alone decided such decisions. I completely get that he's underpressure, he's not in the good position to please everyone. That's the thing; he choose to please the wrong people.
This post might be confusing and it really picture how I feel right now. I am so confused and really, I have no one to talk. I have nobody who will understand exactly how painful it is. So bear with me. My only entertainment is shopping. This is the reason why I shop a lot. Not entirely an excuse, but by buying myself an expensive "gift" I feel like I could make myself better by having the things that they couldn't afford, in small return to what they've had taken away from me: my HA P P I N E S S.
I know it's so wrong, I am completely aware of that. But please just let me be, before I lose all of my sanity.
And please pray that I will not lose myself in the process, that I will never flip out one day and throw it all in the wrong way because I know I am better than that.
One thing that I love more than my self is my family. Oh, and I am dying to kill (like literally beat and kill the hell out of them) the people who mess with us. Why do you think I'm not returning home for this semester break? I don't think I have the strength to hold myself the way I used to be and I'm afraid that what I could possibly do might upset my dad. I love him too much that I'd rather drown myself in tears. I also don't want my mom to take the blame for what I could possibly done because whatever I do, I'm consciously aware of the consequences.
Why do my mom and dad thinks of my sudden crying at the couple last days of my last homecoming? It's because I can't hold it anymore, I am so sick of the way they treated us. But explaining the reasons to my parents and indirectly said that I am giving up to them, hell no. I'd rather took my dad's anger and keep silent.
It is true that the one who laugh at the recehest jokes, the one who always tried to make everyone else laughing, is the one who aches the most. Well, that's so egocentric if I said I am hurt the most. But one thing for sure, I am trying really hard to make sure that everybody is laughing because I know it's a hard thing to do-especially these days.
My mom was wrong, I don't have a strong heart. I burst myself to cry most nights. But if crying is what it takes to be stronger, then please just let me cry tonight. I promise I will be okay by tomorrow.
Stable
Kemaren gue nemuin account ask.fm seorang wanita pebisnis yang W0w banget cerita hidupnya.
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Okay, maybe I just saw her highlight; I don't really know how she actually live her life or how she accomplished things that she has now. But the point is, reading to her answers make me think, that life is hard (and I am one jealous bitch).
She is (if I'm not mistaken) 25 years old yet she already has a lot type of business, investment, achievement, you name it. Not to mention she now has a boyfriend who is handsome and hardworker and all the shiny-gliterry things which makes you hate your life even more. She gained popularity and what makes me even more jealous is that she is so classy about it; sama sekali ga keliatan alay atau gimana. Yes, sometimes she answered to the question a little bit arrogant but hey, those anons deserve arrogant answers!
Gue jadi mikir. Hidup ini susah. I mean financially, especially now when my family's financial condition is not as good as it used to be. No, we're not broke, since we never really filthy rich anyway, but yeah, we do struggling a little bit.
Or maybe it's just me, realizing that I am such a snobby little bitch who has a very high maintanance (recently) and I am thinking that I will never get enough. On my recent call with my dad, he told me that there is no such thing as "cukup". I guess he's right.
Anyway, that girl I am talking earlier made me realize, life semands us to have so many things to be safe and settle; insurance, investment. We have to have insurance to minimize risk that may occur in the future by transferring the future risk into the present time (yet I still don't understand why I got 54 for my FM subject). Not only health insurance, but also education insurance as well. Who knows how many certification that I want to take in the future?
Second is investment. We have no idea how the economic will be doing the next couple of years. We don't know how much we will generates with all the rumours about pemotongan tunjangan and stuff. We really cannot rely on just one thing. Not to mention about property investment aka future house. I am still that kind of person who thinks that it's not a house if it doesn't stick to the ground. Do you know how much it cost for a metre in Jakarta? I don't. I don't wanna know either because it scares me to d e a t h. I am scared that I will be living in kosan/kontrakan for the rest of my life. Iya kalo tinggal sendiri, at least I'm suffering alone. But I'm not dragging my future child(ern) into the mess I made.
Not to mention about their education. I want to provide the best. My parents always told me that education is number one. They always make a way when it comes to me and my siblings' education. I want to provide my childern the best education that they could have, not the one that I could only afford.
Just thinking about those things gives me shivers.
The older I get, the more I questioned about my dream to be married so young. Will I ever be ready?
I used to dream about a magical wedding. Now I don't anymore, unless I am marrying this country's richest son/grandson. I am thinking that the money could be used for a downpayment for our house. Damn, for a second I am thinking just to have a ceremonial wesding-without ANY kind of reception. But I think that's impossible tho.
Kenapa daritadi gue ga sedikit pun ngomong tentang calon suami? Gue ga mau berharap terlalu banyak. Iya kalau dia dari keluarga kaya 7 turunan, kalau engga? Kerjaan apa sih jaman sekarang bisa bikin bener2 safe, selain mafia? Hell as long as I'm sane, I am not marrying a mafia LOL. Sekeras apapun dia (dan gue) kerja, kalau kita bener-bener mulai dari 0, it will be hard as fudge. Kalau dia sama seperti gue, meaning that I cannot life the live I wanted to be; saving my money just for me. I have to contribute to the family too. I don't know..I'm still too selfish to think that I won't use my money to buy a new Prada bag every month, or spending the holiday to Europe.
Damn, I cannot imagine how hard it is to be my mom. Mama berkorban bertahun-tahun buat mengalah demi kesenangan anak-anaknya. I guess I'm just that selfish huh?
Your Number
I was reading about ten signs how i know i still love you even when i tell myself i dont;
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When one of them sound like this, "i still know your number at heart"
I never knew until just know, that I can fluently tell his phone number without even trying hard
And that is the moment that I knew
I am so messed up.
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