Welcome to the 20's club!

Yet becoming an adult is not a onetime thing. You grow into growing up, each season bringing with it things you’re going to have to secretly Google to figure out how to do - Paul Angone

As you know, last saturday I turned twenty. I feel nervous knowing that I will end my teenage year and start your adult life this year. I know that many people said that your early twenties will be awkward; you're too young to do some stuffs and too old to do others. I personally doesn't feel much twenties yet. One thing for sure, it's like yesterday you're 13 and before you know it, you're turning 20!

My days are pretty much average. First, you have to know that I am one of those people who always wait for their birthday and make that day as special as they could be. Even though it's the day to celebrate the declining of your remaining years to life, but I think that on my birthday, I have a privilege to do whatever I want, however I want, just for a day. I will let no one ruin my birthday ever :p Anyway, my birthday begins with a few of my KMHB friends throwing a surprise to me. Here a bit sneekpeak of that so-called-surprise.

Makasi ya Rika, Cokde, Pande, Dewi, Indah, Tude :'>

sosoan make a wish, padahal udah dikasi Tuhan semuanya #edisireligius

I didn't even turn 20 yet when midnight because I was born at twilight(?) and I've been dreaming for someone to actually celebrate my birthday at the exact hour when I was born #kode, but nevermind, nobody will ever think about that :') thankyou guys by the way!!! terutama buat cokde sama pande yang rela bolak balik Bintaro-Rawamangun that night cuma buat ngasi surprise hik you really are sweet guys:')

And then I went through my morning till afternoon just sleep all day until at 3 pm, I have my last class on the semester. After that, I went to a dinner with Kak Eldy at Common Ground, having a dessert at Colette&Lola later that night, and went home. But there is something missing....my gank!

It never occurred to my mind that they will forgot about my birthday but they did!!! Not that I am furious or what but I feel disapointed. They said that they forgot about my birthday because I am not giving them hint like they did usually but that's just not me. Even though I care so much about my birthday, but I want them to remember my birthday because I deserve to, because I am memorable and worth to remeber for. Clearly I didn't #baper :( and how do they know? They saw my path profile and a lot of my friends wishing me a happy birthday. Even I didn't posted my birthday surprise earlier because I didn't want bragging about how much people remembered my birthday and how lovable I am and stuff because you know what? Nobody actually give a damn. You're just spamming their timeline with your illusion of how much people really care that today is your birthday when in fact, they just remember it just now when you post your mom's text of birthday wishes. I know that might sound bitter, but it's true.

Anyway, just in time when I got home, I am about to enter the house when suddenly I heard their motorcycle's sound. I went outside and there they are, unprepared with baloons unblowed and candles unlit. It was funny that I kept laughing and ask them whether they need help from the birthday girl to prepare her birthday surprise. I wasn't mad, like no at all. Actually I am happy that even they forgot, but they still sacrifice their limited time to prepare a surprise for me. I am flattered :))

pardon the noise. maklum cuma kamera ipod

So yeah, that was my birthday in a brief. A lot of people forgot but too many that remembers. Instead of counting what we don't have, why can't we just count what we've already had? I am grateful that I've been given the chance to life my live with health and wealth for 20 years now despite all the mistakes I've done. I am happy that I am surrounded by a lot of people who love and care enough to waste their time sending me birthday wishes. I remember when junior high, it really matter how many people texted you and making status, wishing you a happy birthday. As I grow older I realized the one who really care will always remember throughout years and that is what really counts. Nothing really decribes how I felt, but mostly and utterly, I feel grateful.

Two person from my life greet me on my birthday which I didn't really expect them to be. One person is wishing me a happy birthday even I didn't expect a greeting from him because I did last year and turn out he forgot so I don't want to be disappointed by him for the zillion time. The other wishing me a happy birthday while apologize for the way he act and how he made me felt. I am surprised and didn't see that coming from him because we've turned into stranger. I've been let go the anger that I ever had to him, though I never apologized either because mainly, he is the one who made things uncomfortable between us. But in the end, I also apologize for being too childish and immature react to his behavior. I should've take it more calm but what can I do? I am just an ordinary human being who still can't control my emotion. Anyway, I ended up said that I hope could be friend and I really meant it.

Which led me into some deep thinking, I am 20 years now. I have to be more mature handling some people in my life and let go all the anger. People made mistakes, but not everyone have the bravery to apologize. People who apologize are the biggest person because it's not easy to let things go and start a new fresh. I used to think that not everyone deserve a forgiveness but if God can forgive our continous sins, why can't we forgive other people's mistakes? I always found it hard to apologize because I have a huge ego. I realize that I am still a small person because I never learn to grow up and admit whenever I made mistakes. So, I've been thinking to apologize to some people that I've might hurt in the past or people who hurt me. I might not the one who made the mistakes, but I also wrong for being mad. Besides, what do we get from having such hatred to each other?

I want to be better and wiser each day. I want to be more positive and cut all of my bad habits. I want to be able to see every good in people and spread positivity to all my surroundings. I want to cut all of my bad habits and startd a good one simply because the sake of my life. I want to be deserved to be 20.

They said that your twenties is your selfish years. I want to be selfish, I can't wait to be selfish and do 'project Sandya' before having all stuffs figured out. I am ready to be lost and failed, wondering when and how I will make it. I've been waiting to do the things I've been afraid to do because I am ready to step up even further. I've got 10 years to be 20s and I am gonna spend it to the fullest. So, bring it on!

I always said that I want to be settled down on my 21. The more I think about it, the more I realized that I probably not ready yet, I really want to see myself a couple years from now doing things that the present me only dreamed about. I wanna figured things on my own, travel, try new things, make my parents and siblings happy, and spoiled myself (ofcourse!) Still, if I met the boy of my dream anytime soon, I will be ready for him. But I don't wanna rush things and focused to the thing that is not my priority anytime near in the future.

Enjoy you're twenties! You'll be entering your thirties before you know it!

lotsaluv-

Sandya

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You Should Never Questioning Your Worth

Hello guys! Did you notice the change on my blog's template? Do you like this one better or the previous one? (yeah, like anybody will to sacrifice their time to read my nonsense periodically...)

anyway...

I am currently sitting in Starbucks, studying for final exam.

And I got bored, so I googled my name just because I don't know what to do. Also because I am that narcissistic lol

I actually didn't found anything new. But suddenly I got stopped by this article. (btw they misspelled my name)

I am not bragging it or what. I know a lot of people have achieved waaaay more than I did. But screw you, if this made me feel better than I don't really care about you thinking that I get cocky. Funny thing, I usually got embarrassed when anybody found out that I once achieve the highest score for national exam in the entire province. I feel like people tend to overstated that achievement. It's not that I am that smart or something. It just that I tried more than I usually did and I got tons of luck. Kinda wondering I pretty much wasted all of my luck on there :p I don't like people expect too much from me because I don't know whether I could fulfill their expectation or not. I once read that, "once people see you good, they expect you to be good." That is why I always make a worse impression on other people so that they will not expect me to be good all the time because to me, being good is hard. I can't be good all the time. That is why I stands boldly on the black side. I don't play white, I don't stay in gray, I proudly state that I am black. Weird, huh?

By the way, reading on that article made me reminiscing the good 'ol days. I got reminded how good it feels to achieve something and made your parents and yourselves and pretty much all people around you proud. It feels good knowing that you're not as dumb as you think, that you actually could achieve ANYTHING you want if you're determined enough to willing sacrificing your time and energy to fight for that thing.

This week, almost all of my mid-test result was announced. I am shocked by how awful I've done on my mid test. I was below the class' average. I feel dumb. I feel so stupid. I am constantly questioning my worth. Am I not worth it? Is this the end of my glamorous era? Am I not good enough to compete with my current classmates? Is this where I really belong, on the bottom of the pyramid?

That is why reading on that article boosts my confidence a little bit. I know that I didn't try enough. I know that this is not my best capacity. I know that I can do better if only I am willing to push my self a little bit harder. I know I placed one for a reason, I know I achieved my last GPA not because I played all day and slept all night. I know if I try harder, I can fix it.

A week to go before my final exam. There is no late when it comes to this. Whatever the end result is, if I try harder on my final exam, I know that eventually I will happy whatever the result will be because that is my last-week-effort. I probably done even better than some people who work all semester. I shouldn't questioning my capability anymore.

I should be reminded that I am doing this firstly for me. For a better future. For my dream job. For my dream to contribute anything to this country as a gratitude for having me on them for all my live. For my parents who gives me such comfort and support and love every single day. For my brother and sister so that they could have someone to look-up for. For all the people around me who will heard my name and proudly said, "I know her". For....okay this sounds a little bit like Grammy Award isn't it?....

Okay, I should probably stop and go back studying. Wish me luck for the proceeding exams xx

lotsaluv-

Sandya

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