a woman cannot become too much of everything

Dari youtube saya belajar bahwa "a woman cannot become too much of everything".

I know a lot of feminist will against this statement. 

I used to. Somehow, I grow up knowing that it's true, a woman cannot be too much of everything.

Too much physical enchanment, you will ended up claimed to be dumb. Not even beauty pageant help that paradigm, if not worsening it out. 

Too strong, people will think you don't need help from everybody while sometimes it's just nice hearing people offering us some help. 

Too nice, people will use you. 

Too smart, people will feel intimidated by you. 

Too independent, people will think that you don't need anybody else. 

And too much of everything else makes you will end up not feeling comfortable being yourself.

I used to think that, no matter what happened I will always try to be as smart and as independent as I could be. I learn the hard way that eventually you will end up being alone and only yourself that you can always count on. I always believe that my knowledge is the only thing that I'll always have no matter how old I am when the beauty is all gone. Quoted from Indonesian saying, "Isi kepala banyak macamnya tapi isi celana itu-itu saja"

But I watched a Youtube interview and the guest statement shocked me-not really, but still. The point is, one of several reasons why he left his ex-wife is because she's too strong. Kata dia, "buat apa saya menikahi wanita yang kuat? Mending saya nikah sama cowok aja sekalian"-pretty much that way.

Interestingly, just two days ago my mom give me a piece of advice that I'll never believe came out from her. She said, "Jadi perempuan jangan terlihat terlalu bisa melakukan semuanya sendirian." well....she's the one who literally told me to be independent; to always found the interesting part of being alone; to always searching for fun even when I had no one, especially that; to learn that a woman has equal right and ability to man (if not more:p); to learn how to work on boy's homework like changing the light-bulb, fixing the electricity or water; to believe thatI can't depend myself to anybody else because who knows, they might be too busy saving themselves and have no time to help you.

In the end, I asked myself. What am I searching for?

If what I am looking for is a recognition, I'll probably easily earned it. But then what? You'll end up living alone because nobody care enough to actually undestand that you might scream for help, desperately longing to be saved when all you really do is pretending that you can handle every single shits happen in your life.

Pada akhirnya kita akan ditujukan pada pertanyaan, "apa tujuanmu hidup di dunia ini?"

If what you're searching is recognition, pride, and appreciation, then congratulation! You've achieved it.

But is it really worth all the sacrifice? Will you still be satisfied when you drawn in all the pride yet living a lonely life because nobody have the guts to be with you?

If you simply just want peace and happiness, then you might want to re-think how you want to behave in front of people.

I used to believe that I will find a boy who will appriciate all of my achievements and ambitions as well as my flaws.

The one who understand that even if I can do it all, I want his and by all mean, only HIS help to get me through the lowest and worst.

The one who embrace my oppinion, hears it, lets me win somehow, but in the end argue with me not to win but to show me that there's another perspective and I am not always right.

I kinda lose hope. Boys will be boys. No matter how educated they are, they will always have the urge to be somehow over and more of their spouse.

I guess I just have to lowering my ego a little bit, huh?

Hopeless,

Sandya

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340/365

Mungkin terlalu dini buat ngejudge kalau tahun 2015 is definitely not my year.

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or not?

Sudah menginjak hari ke 340 di tahun 2015, and I feel like I contribute nothing to the world. Jangankan to the world, I didn't even feel like upgrading my self this year. Like for the whole year, I'm just a dead-man walking yang kerjaannya cuma bangun-do the same routines each day-tidur, and repeat.

Not to mention that this is the first time I've ever made a resolution. Guess what? It's a total crap. I achive nothing, not even the thing that I aimed earlier this year. So yeah, I won't make any for the proceeding year.

Start with my habits, this is the year that for the first time I went home at 4 in the morning without my parents. I ain't satan but I don't usually go and be outside after 12 am. But this year, it's common for me to go home after midnight while I actually dont feel really good about it. And by the way, I did that A LOT.

Second, I did something that I am not usually done. I usually did it periodically but this year..well.....

Third, I often left my room messed. I am not a person with a clean obsession or stuff but really....my room this year more likely called as a Titanic leftover most of the time. I only cleaned on weekend or when somebody come over. Omg yang kaya gini udah mau nikah? Pfft...

Then, I FRIGGIN LOST MY PHONEEEEE. I dont think I needed to explain that further.

The most annoyed thing to me; I shop more and I read less. Like it was impossible to me to finished one book even for a week when I usually finished one in 2 hours. In contrast, I almost shop approximately 800.000 each week for stuff I can't even trace right now, and that is exclude the money I spent for fancy food. It even worse last month, I spent almost 3 fuckin million rupiahs for makeup, toiletries, and skincare. Padahal gue ga pernah makeupan kalo kemana-mana. Yeah, courtesy to youtube and instagram, by the way.

Not to mention about how lonely I feel this year. I found that most of my friends are drifted apart. We keep in contact but I barely enjoyed the time. Are they changing or am I?

And oh, this break me so much. I didn't do very well academically; I assigned myself to two volunteers project and I was rejected; I don't really active on campus activity-exactly the opposite me last year. That, is what makes me really feel that I am failed this year. I think about this thing actually more than I supposed to. I started to feel that I worth less more than I really am (thanks to social media too, for setting the standard ridiculously). The point is, I have too many negative vibes this year which I don't blame to anyone because most of them came from my self.

But this morning, a friend of mine gave me a good news. A news that I think could make my perspective about this year become more positive. A news that brings me hope to spend the last 25 days of 2015 with optimism. A news that made me procrastinate studying taxation for tomorrows mid-test:'>

I am really excited about this and hopefully this thing can be realized and I can be a part of it. This is like my only chance to save 2015!!!

I'll update later, finger crossed everybody xx-

Sandya

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