Fantasy Bubble

"The relationship hasn't even started yet. You're just living in a fantasy bubble, San"

Aku ga bakal tau kalau hari ini aku bakal dapat sebaris kalimat yang bikin aku terbangun dari tidur panjang.

Or should I say, my beautiful nightmare?

I've been living my life with such hatred to somebody that I actually know has nothing to do about my heartache. It was totally my fault; it is my fault that I surrender too fast. But I need somebody to blame and there he was. He was like the prince charming whose presence I've been waiting my whole live. He gave checklist in almost all of my specification-which pretty much said that, he fulfill all the quality that I need from a man who I want to accompany me for the rest of my life. He might not be the perfect guy; he is not the best, there are so many people who is better than him-plenty! But he perfectly match my list, so yeah.

But than tonight, I don't know where I started but I found myself curhating with my senior (which totally weird since I am not really the kind of person who open to everybody-trust issue, remembuh?) about "si anjing". And what hits me that he gave pretty much the same statement that my mom once said in the beginning of my moaning period; "You haven't met him yet. How could you fall for him so deep?"

Simple. He has all the things that I need from a boy. Smart but not that text book smart? Checked. Dewasa? Checked. Berfikiran kritis? Checked. Vissionaire? Checked. Family guy? Checked. Lurus tapi ga lurus-lurus banget? Checked. And the one that I haven't found in anybody yet, that he knew kapan dia harus mengalah atau kapan dia harus teach me a lesson so I will not be seenaknya to him. I need to learn to control my ego. Somehow I believe that he can do that. Oh yea, he did that once.

The point is, he said that I still live in my fantasy bubble. I tend to fantasize something that hasn't came true yet. He said that MY relationship with him is a fantasy. No babe, not that I haven't realized it before, but I was forced to accept the truth; I was forced to swallow the bitter truth-it might be bitter but it is true. We were nothing. Before we met and officially said that we are dating each other, then we still nothing.

And tonight, I choose to be honest with my self.

What makes me be so hard to accept the truth? I can't believe that I am still naive. After all these years, I am so easily convinced that what we had was real. I forgot that bad guy is not always wearing a black cape with a horn above his head, so I could notice who he is; but I was wrong. I learned the hard way that my prince charming might turn into the bad guy. Then you woke up in the middle of the day, that prince charming who is funny and makes you feel better, has finally decided to wear his black cape and left you behind, bleeding.

Somehow my senior pop that bubble and awakened me. The moment he said that I am living in my fantasy bubble, it really hits me. Suddenly all these things make sense. But not that I suddenly moved on and totally let it go. Deep down in my heart, I still hope that we ARE real. I keep telling myself that we met at the wrong time. Maybe later on in our life, we finally met again after being separated for the second time, and we could give it another shot. One ever said that no matter how far people go but if they're meant to be, the will be together eventually. But no matter how hard you tried and worked things out, if that is not meant to be happening, it will just be apart forever. You will not find a way.

So now, if you asked me to move on and let him go, I cannot promise you anything, because like Selena said, "there's a million reasons why I should give you up. but the heart wants what it wants."  But indeed, I just let things flow as how it supposed to be.

One thing for sure, tonight I am relieved. I finally made peace with my self; I finally accept the truth and I am a better person because of it. I finally confess to my inner self that me and him have nothing in the past. He's not right for leaving me that way, indeed, but I can't blame him either. I am the one who has a bigger role on this condition. I am not blaming myself either (because it is not good to always blaming ourselves, duh),  I just tried to find the core of this problem and I've found it.

I found that what I had (or think I once had) with him was unreal. We, especially me, living in a circumstances full of assumptions. We haven't had the chance to meet and for God's sake San! I can't even imagine that I actually valued virtual relationship this deep, oh my.

This is why I found it really hard to forgive him. Simply because he has no mistakes. He owes no explanation. He breaks no vows since he made none. I am the one who assumed too much and I am the one who should stop blaming others for my dirty works and start to take the responsibilities. The minute I realized my fault, is the moment that I finally realize if I want to make this done, I have to forgive myself, which I just finally did. It is okay to make mistakes. You just have to learn from that mistake so you can avoid making the same one in the future.

"because the person I've become today are the result from choices that I made yesterday"- how karma works in life.

Relieved-

Sandya

0

calming moment

H-4 UTS semester 2, and I don't have the same anxious feeling as I had last semester: which I kinda confused whether it actually a good thing or a bad one._.

Akhir-akhir ini aku ngerasa kaya dead-man walking. Despite of the broken-hearted-thingy ya, aku emang ngerasa kehilangan passion, ngerasa pengen nyerah aja, and sometimes, I even want to go home and started my study from the beginning. Tapi untungnya, aku ga segila itu. Aku masih sayang sama orang tuaku dan diriku sendiri. Gimana mau nikah muda kalau km baru mulai kuliah di umur 19 tahun?

Nelfon bapak 2 kali akhirnya membuat aku sedikit tenang. Aku cerita sama Bapak kalau aku capek. Aku capek ngepush diriku sendiri ke limit yang aku sendiri gatau sejauh mana aku bisa constraint. Aku capek harus bertahan sendiri, ngelakuin semuanya sendiri, menanggung semuanya sendiri, ngatur semuanya dari A-Z sendiri. Aku capek bagi waktu. Aku bingung. Aku bahkan gatau apa yang sebenernya aku mau. Sampai pada akhirnya aku punya pemikiran bahwa it is okay not to be the best at everything and be average instead. You will hurt no one and you will lose none.

Bapak bilang aku harus santai, harus jalan-jalan dan refreshing. Tapi aku mikir, kurang refresh apa coba-tiap malam jalan, tiap malam ketawa-ketiwi sama Anti Wacana. Terus aku kurang fun apa? Suddenly it hits me: maybe my inner introvert self is tired. Dia lelah harus bersosialisasi terus menerus dan dia butuh waktu. So my dad advised me to take my own me-time and here I am! At Sbux exactly doing nothing but typing this story.

Dan Bapak juga bilang, it is okay. Nobody ever asked me to be the best on everything but myself. Satu hal yang sejak lama pengen aku dengar akhirnya terucap juga: bahwa Bapak bangga sama aku :") bahwa Bapak bangga bisa cerita ke orang-orang kalau ada anaknya yang bisa berkuliah di STAN. bahwa Bapak dan Mama bahagia anaknya udah (Astungkara) bisa mandiri financially dan tanpa perlu menjadi yang terbaikpun hidupku nanti udah tercover bahkan lebih dari cukup.

That was the day that I finally let go a little bit of me that still want to be that y-jacket part. Dosen Mikroekonomiku pernah bilang kalau anak yang mengikuti keinginan orangtuanya dan membuat mereka bahagia, maka Surga menjadi milik mereka. Amin. Aku rela melepas keinginanku dengan ikhlas kalau misalnya orangtuaku senang aku kuliah disini dan mereka bangga sama aku. Kalau mereka memang bangga punya anak PNS, then let me be it.

Tapi diberi kebebasan seperti itu gak langsung bikin aku mengendorkan standar. Malah aku jadi menemukan secercah *cie* semangat lagi. Pelan-pelan dari yang 7 minggu ga pernah nyentuh buku selain waktu masukin ke tas, jadi mulai berniat belajar walaupun akhirnya setelah baca 2 halaman langsung main hp lagi. Sebenernya mind-set ini salah sih, tapi aku mikir waktu semester 1 aku bisa ngangkat nilai C waktu UTS jadi nilai A- di akhir hanya dengan belajar serius waktu UAS, then I still have the remaining 8 weeks to work my ass off.

Aku sekarang ingat tujuanku setelah kuliah disini: untuk menjadi orang yang totally concern dalam bidang akademis. But I can't help myself. Seeing my peers doing an actual changes tickles me. Aku ngeliat temen-temen sebaya pada ikut konfrensi, bikin komunitas non-profit dibidang sosial, and the thing that I can do is hedoning around-_- kadang ngerasa kecil banget kalau udah ngeliat kiri-kanan. But then I realize that each of us has different goals and purposes. Not to mention about priority, though.

Jadi, mulai semester depan aku bakal beneran fokus sama akademik. Aku yakin aku masih bisa mewujudkan mimpiku biarpun banyak orang yang bilang kalo mimpi itu gila. One ever said that if it doesn't scare you a little than your dream isn't big enough.

Tapi itu semua bikin aku berfikir.. sebenernya aku pengen jadi apa sih?

Of course, once I graduated from here, I have to be a PNS (for at least, 10 years-or more if I continue my D4 in here). Tapi setelah itu, apa aku mau menghabiskan seluruh umurku menjadi PNS? Mungkin aku ga tau diuntung; disaat banyak orang rela nyogok ratusan juta untuk jadi PNS, aku malah pengen menyianyiakan kesempatan ini. Yah... namanya juga manusia.

Kenapa aku gak mau jadi PNS? Simple, jadi PNS (yang lurus dan halal) ga bakal bisa bikin kamu jadi orang kaya. I don't want to be a hypocrite. Siapa sih yang ga pengen jadi orang kaya? Sebenernya ga kaya juga sih because everyone's definition about happiness is different. Intinya sih aku pengen punya penghasilan yang cukup buat beli rumah yang napak tanah (gatau kenapa masih ga suka sama the idea of having an apartement.....), beli mobil operasional (syukur kalo masih ada sisa buat beli mini cooper), bisa fulfill my shopping desire everyday, bisa makan siang di Pacific Place tiap hari, bisa jalan-jalan liburan keluar negeri at least once a year, bisa belanja barang-barang branded tanpa harus nunggu diskon atau nunggu disubsidi Mama, bisa bayarin biaya kuliah Saktut (aku gamau bayarin biaya hidupnya. bisa mati berdiri w), bisa ngajak Mama sama Bapak ke India sama keliling Eropa.....

That is my bucket-list when I am single. What if I am married really soon?

So, that salary must cover the insurance for my childern, bisa memberikan fasilitas yang terbaik di bidang pendidikan dan basic needs. But I don't want to spoil them. Waktu aku masih kecil, aku berfikir kalo anakku nanti bakal aku manjain; mereka bakal aku beliin mainan yang paling baru, baju branded, dan leisure yang paling yahud. Once I grow up I realize that wasn't the right way to make my childern happy; and also I realized that my parents raised me that way not because they cannot afford it-but simply because they wanted to teach me a lesson.

It leads me to a new thinking.... Apa aku benar-benar mau nikah muda?

Well, not really. I am not ready yet. Aku masih mau membelanjakan gajiku buat tas Fossil model terbaru daripada harus beliin susu dan pampers anak :") egois sih tapi bukannya itu jadi alasan tambahan buatku untuk ga cepet-cepet nikah? Aku tau apa sih-_- Siapa bilang lebih enak menikah daripada kuliah (atau kerja)? Kalau kamu menikah kamu harus menghadapi mama mertua (that is my biggest nightmare). Bayangin deh, ngehadapin mama sendiri aja kamu pusing kan, gimana ngehadapin mama mertua yang gamau anak laki-lakinya lebih menyayangi kamu daripada dia? I am not ready yet for that kind of drama, sorry. (btw, additional reason not to date anak tunggal, oops)

Setelah blog-walking, aku baca sebuah blog yang menceritakan kehidupan typical wanita ibu kota-late 20s, having a great carrer, unmaried. She rather pursuing her career and dream than rushing into someone that she actually not sure about. I totally get it. Hal yang biasa buat cewek-cewek untuk belum menikah even di umur 28 (but I can't guarantee if I can survive that long) and they are happy-or they seem are. She made me thinking twice about my dream to settle down in my early 20s. Padahal your 20s supposed to be the time for you to explore, to start something when you got nothing to lose.

By not having a boyfriend now nor getting married before 25 will not make your world end. Itu kesimpulan yang bisa aku dapat sekarang. Kalau memang belum yakin kenapa dipaksa? Like I said before, kamu masih punya jatah gagal selagi muda; baik itu gagal di akademis, gagal di usaha, atau gagal di percintaan. So what if the man that you once thought will be the one suddenly left you behind? Toh kamu pernah merasakan sakit yang lebih dari ini, and guess what? You successfully moved on. Kalau dari patah hati yang begitu hebat aja kamu bisa bangkit, apa yang mencegah kamu untuk bangkit kali ini? 

Aku selalu percaya kalau Tuhan itu sayang sama aku. Tuhan gak mau melihat aku gagal. And that is why, people, God removes people that will become distraction from my road to success. Aku juga selalu percaya kalau Tuhan udah menentukan siapa yang akan menemani aku dan aku temani untuk meraih sukses sama-sama. Cuma waktunya bukan sekarang. Mungkin nanti, mungkin besok, mungkin tahun depan, atau mungkin 3 bulan sebelum aku menikah?

Yes. Aku masih sakit hati. Aku masih bingung mau jadi apa nanti. So what? I still have plenty of time to figure it out (or I think I do?) Intinya adalah, I shouldn't be worrying to much and start acting instead.

Getting better-

Sandya

1