Thoughts on a Rainy Friday

Bila kau sanggup untuk melupakan dia 
Biarkan aku hadir dan menata 
Ruang hati yang telah tertutup lama 
Jika kau masih ragu untuk menerima
Biarkan hati kecilmu bicara 
Karena ku yakin kan datang saatnya 
Kau jadi bagian hidupku

I was just listened to Tulus new cover song which originally sang by Jikustik named "1000 tahun lamanya"

And listened to that song, felt like Tulus was singing just for me, begging me to forget about my ex and be with him

LOL if that really happened, he doesn't need to sang a song for me, I would just bump into him <-- (((MURAH BANGET)))

This gonna be a random post. Since I didn't actually intended to make one, tho.

So, started from what I've done since this morning.........well, I've done nothing

I am supposed to study for my mid-term exam, which will still be held for 3 days

the remaining subjects will be : Principle to Economics; Indonesian Language; and Principle of Accounting.

I still haven't got the right pattern to study, besides, I still think that most of this semester's subjects is repetation from what I've got in my previous campus-that pretty much the main reason of why I still got enough sleep, went to the movie D-3 before my exam, or update my blog like this ._.v

And by the way, one of my mom's friend gave me Lapis Bogor. Lumayan lah ya buat ngemil-ngemil cantik :9

The perks of having a cool mom who has friends all over the world from banker to house-mom :3 *imma proud daugther*
But unfortunately, I didn't got that skill from my mom. I am awkward in making friends *sobs*

Oh, yesterday...

My Laptop gone crazy. It didn't want to get in to the desktop-it just freeze at the home of Windows 8

Than, I asked one of my friend to look over what's wrong with my laptop

At first, my laptop can got into the desktop. Then he told me to restart it just to make sure there is nothing wrong anymore.

But then, it went freeze again........than I started to freak out.

And I asked him to do everything even if all of the data will be deleted.

Suddenly, one of my friend asked, "Itu foto mantan udah di backup belum?"

It hits me..........FOTOKU SAMA DIA KAN CUMA ADA DI LAPTOP...........then I had a second thought

..........

I still think.....

...........

I decided to let it all go. Maybe this is somekind of God's way to tell me that I should let all things about him laid back on the past.

Actually, I didn't see our photos that frequent.
But still, seeing that photos is the only way for me to keep my sanity well and proofs that he ever loved me and all of that feeling was real-not only happened in my imagination.

My friend saw the changes of my expression, "Yaudah sih entar minta aja lagi ke dia"

YAKAL3333 he even blocked me and unfriend me. Still a chance he kept our photos?

No. It doesn't even happened in my wildest dream.

So, what can I do now if I missed him?

I dreamed of him; I even see someone looked like him at campus, and I don't know it is just me or he really looked like him._.

Not only the photos of him makes me miserable.

My graduation photos, My jalan-jalan photos. My songs. My movie stocks which I gathered from various people. My I-Pod back up, My Note-3 back up. The songs. The presentations. The slides I've got from my lecturers both in PU and STAN. The final or mid-exam papers that I've made resulting of that lack-of-sleep-nights back then. The MOM of all meetings that I've attended. The rundown of event that I've made. The mails. The essays. The accountability reports. The proposals. The CV! ALL.

Poof! And it's all gone now...

Even including the Ms. Office application.

So, I barely can do anything with my current laptop now.

That could probably ruined my mood for a whole week.

......

And Oh! I saw this picture yesterday.

Guess who suddenly popped up in my mind after reading that quotes?

You bet it.

Doesn't it feel right when you found someone whom you feel can be shared your whole life with?

Up until now, I just can picture myself to that stage with one person...

I feel like we can drown ourselves in silence, yet still understand the meaning of our silence moment.

He's awkward, I am too. And his awkwardness was perfectly match mine.

This quote happen to explained this situation; "I loved him not for the way he danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of his name could silence my demons"

I could drooling about how we met, how I feel in love with him, how we could share those wonderful days and the late-night phone calls, how could I survived the last 6 years loving him that much.

I still remember the feeling of him holding my hands; the jealousy; the heartbreaks; the butterflies when we kissed; the motivation I had because I know that every time I done something excellent, he will be proud of me; the faith that he had on me, even when I don't believe in myself.

Especially the last one...he could be my number one fans back then.

He almost on the top of my reason lists every time I've done something.

Guess why I didn't push my parents to allow me to enter my senior high school's choice? Because of him. He choose that school. And I think by being in the different school will make me easier to move on.

Guess why I didn't choose Unpad even I'd already accepted in my dream major? Because being in Unpad means that I have to be on the same city with him, and Faculty of Economics is near to ITB. Once again, I thougt being in the different school wasn't enough. What if different city will make it works?

I was wrong again.

What it takes for me to finally move on?

Another heartache.

Another guy who showed me that I am loved. That I should gave anyone else a spot to replace him.

Another good-guy who I wasted because I think that he can't love me like he could.

Truth to be told; there is someone out there who could do even BETTER.

Realizing that there is a wine in front of you, yet you still wait for another mineral water. 

Such a waste? Guess you only know you loved him when you let him go.

I am not that kind of sceptical person; I am more likely believe that if there is something happened, maybe it is the universe way to tell you whether you're doing it wrong or right.

So, when something happened, for instance: The accident of my laptop. I will think that it's God's way to remind me that I should let D go. He had a new life that doesn't include me on it. And I have a future that only God knows how it will be. But I believe it will be the best for me.
Or, why I have dream about D then saw someone who look like him on the next 2 days? Maybe that was a reminder that I am not ready for any new relationship and should focus on my goals, instead.

Daym, I sound just like Ted Mosby.
But that is why I worship Ted Mosby THAT much.

I feel like I can relate him so much. I could feel the pain every time Robin get back with him, just to be left at the end.

Still, he patiently loved Robin, because-quoted from his own word to Lily-,

"There's a word for that: It's LOVE. If you are looking for a word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you; it's LOVE. And when you love someone, YOU JUST DON'T STOP. Ever. EVEN WHEN PEOPLE ROLL THEIR EYES OR CALL YOU CRAZY. Even then, especially then! You just dont give up. Because if I could give up, if I could just take the whole world's advice and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love! That would be some other dispensable thing that is not worth fighting for."

That used to be my excuse to keep my love for "the love of my life". But now, I realized that he might be suit me best by being my bestfriend.

I've known him for almost half of my ages. He has known me since I am still wearing that blue skirt, up until now I could wear make up by myself.

He knew how I study, he knew how it takes to make me shut up, he knew that I loved being spoiled but love doing everything by myself, he knew how stubborn I am, he knew that I used to be so boyish, he knew my darkest secret which only him that knew about it, he knew that I like green, he knew I like white-roses, and all other little things.

And what I knew about him?

Okay, where should we start, hmm...

I knew that he is close to his mom and his eldest sister. I knew that he was born a day before Galungan. I knew he like blue. I knew he used to play online game so much. I knew that he like number 8 because it reflect infinity. I knew he had a problem with his eyes even before he wore glasses. He can't stayed up too long (kebalikan w bgt). He doesn't like spicy food (this one too). I knew he is hardly ever express his feeling, but I always perceive this as the result of "he doesn't believe in me" when it's not. But yeah, he's difficult to believe in people. And still a lot of lists that I could mention until you bored and skip to the next post :p

And that is why, when I read his #20factsaboutme, I saw no surprise. I even know more :p

Then why this post told most about him eventually?

hahaha, I just miss him, I think.

I can't be with him. I don't feel like I could forgive him after what he's done to me.

I can't even forgive myself if I eventually forgive him and love him again.........
Yes, I love him. But not as much or the same way as I used to.

I love him the way I love my best friend, or maybe even less than that.

Also, I am preparing my self to love somebody else.

I don't want to make the same mistake for.....the fourth time?

EH more deng, not to mention "my Jacob"(s) that ended up in the friend zone :') 

I am truly apologized :")

*btw, note to my future boyfriend husband, If I could love the wrong person that much, can you imagine how much can I love you? Only God knows, babe, where ever you are and with who ever you are now*

So, here I can conclude that

I am not ready to fall in love, not nearly in this time.

1. I still think about my last ex most of the time

2. I still think that "the love of my life" as the standard of how guys should understand me. It is not fair since he had longer time to understand me. Any guy who gave exact time might understand me better.

3. I still have a long list to do-chasing summa, volunteering (not to brighten up my CV, since I've already got work later on (Astungkara)), making friends, doing anything without any limitation, travel as much as I can, shop until my balance reduce its digit, start to fund my life on my own (at least dari dulu w ga pernah minta uang hedon lebih), back to my last hobby and stay for hours at library or bookstores, and so on and so forth.

The bottom line is, I feel that I haven't got enough time to be on my own.

I am really an introvert, aren't I?

I live at my room most of the time alon, gone shopping alone, sipping coffee on my favourite coffee shop alone, yet still feel that I am not alone enough?

Something wrong with me. HELP

wish me luck for the following exams-

Sandya

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Happy Father's Day!

People say that today is Father's Day but I have no idea that the "Father's Day" was actually exsisted ._.

So, to celebrate this day, I would like to tell you a brief introduction about my dad.

Fortunately I have this amazing guy as my father. He is extremly smart (I adore his level of intelegence) which pretty much the reason why I fall in love soooooo easily with smart guys (please pardon my weakness)
He has the same zodiac as me, we both Aquarians. So, we're pretty much alike:D
He know exactly that we're similar, that's why when I start to worry about the lecture that I don't understand, he always told me that we have the same level of intelegence. Back then on his college year, he was never study yet he could graduated with quite impressive mark. That is why he always convinced me that I can do a lot better than he had done. He also the one who pump-up my confidence with these words, "Kalau Sakdek aja gak bisa, coba bayangkan berapa banyak orang juga yang lebih gak bisa"

He also the one who told me to drink Sterilized Milk, when I got laryngitis after my orientation week. I almost run out of my antibiotics, and he knew that I don't really like to consume medicine unless I really have to. So, he told me to drink sterilized milk. I once ever drank that milk but i hate it because it taste plain. Then I push myself and think, at least this milk taste better and healtier than consuming more tablets of medicine. It only need one bottle to make me better, and I told my dad. He just laughed and said, "we have pretty much the same body condition. That is why I knew you'd get better after drink that milk, because it did the same to my body."

Look how similar we looked

My mom said that he is not romantic. At all. Indeed, I agree. But once he did something romantic, it will be beyooooooooooooond sweet :">

 

The picture above is the example. That was all flowers that I received on my sweet 17th bday surprise last year (can't believe it has already a year!). Guess who gave me the biggest bucket? My father. When I complained about how it wasted on a bucket of flower that will eventually rot, instead of something that will last for longer time, he just said, "I know you love it when people gave you flower. So I bought the biggest one to show you that even there will be a man you love or any man that will love you later on, still I will be the man who love you the most" PAK YOU BRING IT TO THE WHOLE NEW LEVEL!! (btw I knew he was reffered to the white rose bucket over there, tho :p)

As long as I remembered, there was one time that he disappoint me. It just happend last year. The first time I came back from Jakarta to have my holiday at home. It was December, when people was busy with close-book thingy and my dad is the one who responsible for his whole bureau. I barely saw him at home: he went to office before I woke up in the morning and came back home late at night when I have already felt asleep. I was upset. I think how could he done this to me when I rarely be at home and experienced the moment with family.

The peak was at the new-year-eve. He was at office, having another extra-hour. I was at home just with my mom and my sister. I was offered having a new-year eve with my friend but I refuse because I knew it would sadden my mom. Besides, I had quite a fight with my, ekhm, current boyfie, so I just want to stay at home. So, the 2014 new-year eve was a bad night-probably the worst new-year eve I've experienced-but I have no idea that 2014 will be such a blessed year to me:))

But quietly, he wrote a note that convey his deepest apologize. I remember that specifically he said he was sorry for not being able to be home with his family, especially with me who just came back from Jakarta... omg I'm teary now:'

"tinggi BESAR ya kaya bapaknya" -> the most frequent line I've heard from people, yet I hate the most-_-

Last weekend he finally visit me after he promised a visit to me after my orientation week. He picked me at campus then take me to hotel before he took me to bookstore and bought me a looooot of books and remind me how I used to spend all of my money in bookstore which result on my myopia now._. and he keep asking me "udah segitu aja?" or "hayo mau beli apa lagi?" even after he took me to my favourite boutique. 

Once we arrived at hotel, he asked me to make him a coffee then we talked about a lot of thing. About college and, ehm, love. 

I told him about the dreams that I had; about my insecurities I had at college-how people constantly study with no break while they're....I dont know how to say "Putra-Putri pilihan bangsa" in English-then he told me he won't and never see the end result; as long as I am trying and staying.

I don't know where it came from when he suddenly asked, "kata mama ada anak *insert famous specialization here* ngedeketin ya" Well, I knew that my mom will be bocor but I never thought that my dad will ask me.
(Oh no, I remember a few days after the broke up with *you know who* he called me and said "katanya udah putus ya? Belum juga sempat cerita sama bapak kok udah putus aja. Makanya sekali-kali curhat sama bapak dong biar liat dari perspektif cowo")
I told him that mom said No to that guy because he has similar personality with "the love of my life" and she's afraid that he will hurt me too. Then suddenly he said that "the love of my life" was definetely a BIG NO. "Tapi dengan alasan yang berbeda dari mama, bapak juga gak setuju sebenernya kalo sakdek sama dia. Pertama...blablabla" I don't really gave a damn since I knew he's not worth the fight AND I SHOULD'VE REALIZED THAT FUCKING 6 YEARS AGO but late is better than never tho.
He also asked me about.....who should we called him.....the law guy?.....
I should let him go, because if only he's not the son of my uncle, he will definetely out of the list "Kalau aja dia bukan anaknya Iwak, dia juga udah dicoret dari list. Kalau memang dia gentle dia harusnya bilang ke Sakdek, 'Dik kayanya kita gak bisa deh lebih dari sekarang, sepertinya lebih enak sodara aja' atau apa kek. Dan bapak gak percaya Sakdek bisa jatuh cinta sama orang yang cuma ketemu beberapa kali, bahkan cuma ketemu tanpa ngobrol, kalau bukan karena Sakdek pengen berbakti sama orangtua, termasuk sama Iwaknya."......and it hits me. Sebenernya kenapa aku bisa suka banget sama dia? Indeed, we just met twice and the second time we met I ONLY CURI CURI PANDANG FROM DISTANCE OMG fucking pride and ego please go (hey it rhymes!)
Then he also asked about his post-graduate friend's son who my mom said asked about me. I didn't have the guts to say anything, afraid of what he will said or reacted.


The point is, when it came to boys, dad can be pretty scare. Especially my dad, I warned you (note to my future boyfriend husband-wannab, brace yourself) *nowplaying: Magic!-Rude*

He was, still, will, and always have been the king of my heart <3

He is imperfect, yes I know that. He might be pain in the ass sometimes. He has done the things that he might not proud of. And there come some times when I think that he put too much expectation to me, until it scared me. But still he is the perfect father to me. If I could have the chance to have a better dad I would say no because in my eyes he is the most perfect one to me.

I want to emphasize here that, indeed, a father will be his daugther first love and the standard of how he will assess boys in her life.
Unfortunately and fortunately, I have this best dad in the world so I have difficulties to find the similar-if not exact or better- man to him. Kalau bisa sih sampe kastanya juga sama #eh #sumpahkodekeras




Happy Father's Day, Bapak-
kisskiss,

Sandya

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