Actually, it is not my intention to begin my year (well, not literally begin-since it's already 14/365) by making a new blog.
Appereantly, my old and beloved blog was "ngambek" to me because it has already abandoned for almost a year :( huhu *pukpuk dya's diary*
I didn't meant to do so. Yeah, I know that I'm not that busy, but as a college student-OMG-I'd rather spend my spare time to sleep! haha. But, I want to change it starting from now, this year, 2014, which a lot of people said that this year is politic's year(which I don't give a fucking damn)
Yap, we will talk about 2014 laterrrrr \=D/
Let's reviewed what has happend last year :)
As what I have already written on my twitter account to welcome this year;
"2013 had knocked me down and risen me up. The bottom line is, it taught me how to life and it grew me up somehow"
I felt like 2013 is the longest year I've ever experienced because it consist a lot of changing-life event, yet if I look back, I just feel like it was yesterday I spent 2013's NYE with my family.
I spend 2013 with my senior-year, I was facing a farewell, which I hate the most.
I've taken the biggest risk which I know the possibility to reach it was almost 0%, in my favourite month of the year-February.
I've faced my biggest fear of dissapoinment, to find out a truth that I already know but I will never ever be ready to hear it, nearly to my National Examination month -which truth made me barely enter anything to my mouth but water for almost 3 days- and somehow ruin my concentration. Yeah, I am the best person to decide whether to talk for an important thing without making it become a distraction *applause*
I've experienced a deep-down moment, my biggest failure, losing hope, in the middle of the year.
I've got an appreciation for having the balanced social-academic life during my high school. How can a girl who like to spend her time in outdoor have a good(I said good loh ya) ability in dance, having an organizational life, have the highest score for the entire city? (PLEASE don't judge me and tell me that I showed off. please this is my only consolation:""" PLEASE)
I've learned to be suitable with my codrate, somehow it was shaped by my society. But I'm not that kind of girl who will change me just because the society. I remember that I'm a girl, I eventually will have to learn how to wear skirt, how to put some makeup upon my face, how to ACTually behave like a girl.
I've burried my dream, and try to figure out what I want to do in live, soon. But one best friend of mine said that "Maybe there you will become more than something you have dreaming of" Yeah bro, I will!!
Once again, I have faced with choices which I could never know what's suits me best, and made me wondering over and over again "Is this the best choices that I've taken?", up until now.
The reason I take my decision, is almost all because of you. You said to me that you will always be proud of me whenever I take my study, whatever I will be. You will always support my back
and now I wonder, still you proud of me now? or even, have you ever really proud of me?
Otherwise, if being in the different school in the same city still not enough for me to let go of you.
Will I be, if I already in the different city with you?
I found out the answer, NO. It takes more than a city to ease my feeling for you. I ever thought, maybe it takes different world for me to forget all the feeling that I've felt for you. hiks sedih amat hidup gue yak:")
I've learned to go out of my comfort zone, and life all the simplicity behind, on the month that my country got its freedom-August. Because wise man's said "Life begins in the end of comfort zones"
In the month that I will always waiting for-September-, I started to accept the reality, that now I'm a college student. There's a reason why in Indonesia, a student is not called "siswa" anymore. but it's "MAHAsiswa". I have to change my behavior, I have to grow up, I have to let go what's unnecesary and keep what best for me.
I've decided to explore more about me, to train myself to become a good leader. To serve more, to listen more. I've gambling myself to take this long-term duty, starting from October.
I've ended what I started almost 3 years ago. I've found someone that fullfil my days with laughter or atleast a smile. I've found a boy whose presence I've always missed. A boy who never doubt to mock me because he knows that it will not hurt my feeling. By his own way, he started to make me fall in love. Eventhough a lot of differences (our school, society, the way we talk, the way we joke, the road that we used to pass, what we BELIEVE), I decided to try with him,-although I know there's no way we could be together-in November. Someone ever said that there's no relationship ever wasted. If it's not giving you the right man, you will found out learning more how to find one.
I've decided to learn how to forgive you, as what I read in a novel: The first step to move on is to forgive.
I have to forgive, not only you, but also myself for letting my own feeling floating for more than 5 years.
I have to accept what I already know but I can't ever believe and accept for all this time-that you once love me, it just not last long as what I expected. Not as long as I love you.
I have to start realize that I lived in reality, in the present time, so I have to go out of my memories and start to live today without trapped in yesterday.
I have to learn to love what I have, because we can't have what we loved all the time, right? some people I already lied on and wasted because of you. because I found out that they can't be you.
what I never thought of is, what if they can't be you because they're better than you?
I realized that I have to really move on, somehow. And it happend in your month of birth, December.
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I barely ever made any resolution since I know that there's a small possibility for me to full-fill it. ha ha
but starting this year, I probably want to make some, since I found out that I have no direction and purpose for living this year. another sad moment for me :""
I will post my resolution, as soon as possible!!!
ps: if I survive my PoA quiz tomorrow
still the old me-
Lolita
