2 am and a hell going on in my mind
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I came to the clarity of the question why I let my self hanging into the love of my life for flippin years and be okay with it.
Because the second I decided to move on, I will allowed anyone else to enter my heart, doing whatever they wanted and yet have no control over it.
I hate being under somebody else's control. Who doesn't anyway?
And facing the choices, I'd rather be tortured by someone I know for such a long time before and once I knew ever loved me, with a hint of hope that someday, just maybe, he will do it again.
This is not a story of a heartbreak, no...
More likely a disappointment.
To my self, mostly. Because deep down i know that is purely my fault for letting my guard down and beaten by my own feeling. Having had myself prepared before, I wouldn't discover that disappoinment could distract me this bad.
I keep questioning myself; were I too confident? Does he giving me mixed signs? Have I off the market for too long? Did karma does all of these? Or am I simply just being naïve?
The thing that upsets me is that he did this first. He began to play with me. If only he left our relationship casual, I wouldn't grow feelings for him. I know. A friend of me said that it is still my fault, to become the first to lose, because in this kind of game, the one who first feel is the one who lose.
I dont mind losing to the one who deserve it, but he doesn't. He will never be.
Don't worry, I kinda used to the feeling of falling down and standing up by my own. I might not be okay now but in no time I will be. I always belive that in every heartbreak, on every closed doors, we're getting close to the right one. The one who will appriciate me and my feelings on the first place.
The question is;
What if I am afraid?
I've lost for so many time. I don't think I have the energy to get into the battlefield anymore.
I've been traumatized. Everytime I started to catch feelings, they turned around and decide that I am not worth loving.
I am tired. Of the heartbreaks; the never-ending drama; the emotional roller-coaster. I hated every early stage of relationship. Can I just move into the part where I live happily ever after without any twisted plot on my story?
Despite of my seemly-rage-rant, I always know that this is the third way of God answering my prayer; God told me to wait and will give me the best. I believe that God will never let me settle for the second best; that's a hell of a quote to live by.
So yeah, even though that my love life didn't seem to find its clear path anytime near in the future, but I will wait. I kight lose my temper every once in a while but I'll be okay. I have reached the acceptance level where I couldn't be married by the time I reached 21 yo and be a milf like Yukiko Kido.
Been better-
Sandya
