Oh my God it is just me being lazy.
I have about 3 writings due tomorrow, and probably some writing that I promised you to write here earlier.
It is not that hard, but the beginning is always the hardest part.
I have all the material in my head.
I have all the time needed.
All I need is the will to write (or type, in this case?)
I even promised to write about my birthday, aren't I?
Well, nothing really special actually. But since I expected nothing for it, I became quite happy that I got 2 flowers (you guess who were the sender yourselves), I got a birthday package from my parents (yea, padahal baru mau minta mentahnya aja LOL), and the most surprising gift, is a surprised from some of my classmates. Mau banget disebutin namanya? LOL not gonna happen, I am going to left them all anonymous. But just you all know (in case any of you guys read this), thank you for the surprise. I am thrilled :)
Then finals. I am not working hard enough, as hard as my other friends did, but it was the hardest effort I have ever given for studying. So, I think it was a good beginning and I am still looking for the right way and pattern to study in here but I have found it anyway so hopefully I could done better in the future.
The result? It was out this Friday. It was below my target, numerically and statistically. I don't really bothered if only my Dad didn't sound so disappointed on the phone. I know that he know this is not the best of me, that I could do better, that I could've reached my goal if only I were focus and determined and not easily distracted by other things. Unfortunately, I am not.
Many of my friends might see me as annoying bitch that doesn't know how to be grateful to get the highest GPA of the class. First problem, I am not being the highest since I got it with my other friend. Second, they don't know that my parents and I have bigger expectation than this. So I am really sorry not to sorry for you because you have such a low expectation and have been satisfied if only you get as high as my GPA, but again, sorry not to sorry, I have much more than that. Third, you might been pissed why the hell on earth out of 35 other people in class should be me that have it since I spend most of the time playing and hedoning away? hell, you have no idea what I did on my sleepless night, right? So let me tell you now...........I was blogging or probably watching movie HAHAHA
Tomorrow will be the first day on the new semester. I have more subjects and I think I have to raise up my game. I have to be more determined and focus of what I wanted to. I have to remember that instead of raising my first child while pursuing my Bachelor degree, I'd rather be pregnant while chasing my master degree abroad :") I have a lot of bucket lists! and some of them are contradictive in a funny way. For instance, I want to be married on the age of 21 so I could be as cool as Yukiko Kudo, having a teenage son while I am still as young and beautiful as fudge:)) but I also want to have fun and spend a lot of money for myself and not having to think about saving for my childern's future if it means that I have to cut off my budget and not having the chance to have those Kate Spade's new arrival?
I've seen my mom. As long as I remember, she always put me first before herself. I want to buy a new shoes, then she bought it for me. I don't know whether she actually saving her money for that kicking stiletto or that fancy bag, but all I've known was she sacrifice her leisure needs to fulfill her childern's wants. Not only me, but also my sister's and brother's. I can remember that she barely buy anything for herself when I was a kid. She always put our wants over hers, she never bought anything fancy. It took her more than a decade of her marriage life to have a branded thing: after my dad have had a better position at work.
Well, me? I am not ready yet to be like that. I am still selfish
enough to be a mother. I am might be istriable but I am sure as hell I
am not even close to mamaable. I still want to spend my money on a fancy
luncheon with my fellas, buy that English-well-known-branded-watch, or
that American-designed-tote bag. I am still thinking about me.
My mom is a wonderful woman. She is unselfish. She put her children happiness over her. Nope. She put her family happiness before hers. She has been suffer enough and she is the one that taught me to be strong in life, to be on my own because the one that could save us is ourselves. She is actually the reason why I am trying so hard. Because I know that my success will make her proud. That her pride will ease all the pain that she had. That one thing that make her happy is to see that her daugther grow into the person who could stand on her own and not causing problem for other people.
She is also strong, both mentally and physically. She is working and she take care of her children needs very well. My mother could prepare 3 kinds of breakfast (nasi goreng, roti, nasi+lauk), clean the house, and get ready for work in the morning (biarpun that caused a real chaos at my house everymorning because she is being mad._. but that's just mother in general I think) That is why I don't have excuse for not having both later on, because I know that one could have, and the real living example is my mom. I don't believe those craps that say, "anak kalo ibunya kerja bakal kurang perhatian dan cenderung jadi rebelious". I wanted to ask, am I? LOL honestly, I am rebel in my mind but I don't have the guts to do so because I love my parents too much and by being rebel, I know that will hurt their feeling and that is the last thing I want in my life.
So, am I ready to become a mom? Hell no I just turn 19 last month, dumbass-_-
Or else, I wanted to travel and see the world as much as I can but I also want to have a good carrier in my life. We both know that we can't have it all both since if I want to pursuing my carrier, I might have to spend all of my time at work and give it a full attention. And if I travel a lot, I need to have a lot of money in which, I have to work to get it. Nah, another lust of mine besides shopping; travelling!
If I may conclude, as I quoted from a best-friend of mine, "Kita ini terlalu banyak maunya, jadi susah buat fokus." Very well said, Fel. I wanted too many things I even became crazy just to think about it. I want to have a balance life because I still believe that I can have it all. What I forget is, yes, of course we can have it all, but we can never be the best of all...and yet I still push myself to be the best on everything. God, I wish I am not this hard on myself.
Sometimes, I even lose sight of what I wanted to be. I am not a fighter, I even want to gave up and left everything behind, I want to be average people who live and die without giving impact. Many people in my life will laugh at me when I say I want to be "something". They might expect me to be an employee and having a good salaries, living in the suburb with the man I will be married to. Unfortunately, I can't. I want to be something. I want to be seen as someone. I want my children to see me and follow me and proudly say, "That is my mom." (yeuu, eug emang anaknya visioner kebangetan). I want to tell them about life, about what I have seen along my journey, about what I have done wrong and what I am doing in the right way.
I said earlier that I want to see the world and I also want to have a good carrier. Then where is the marriage part took place?
This is why I want to be married young, besides of the anime-part dream. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid if I am not settled down anytime soon, I will be happy alone. I mean, I am used to being alone and beside, I have my family. So, why would I bothered to be with someone if he can't understand me, support me, accept me, and push me into a better person, all at the same time? I want an equal partner; the one who as good as I am, well maybe a little bit better but not too much? he he he.
I think this is because my dad.......when I was passionately tell him about my dream, how I determined to be it, how I couldn't see anything but it, he suddenly said that no mater how high my dreams are, I should remember that I am a woman, that I should be married eventually. And when I am married, there are some other things that might be considered if I want to keep chasing my dreams, and by that he means my husband and children.
I am not saying that I don't include them in my future. Oh, hell! Even my sister still mocked me with this statement of mine that I couldn't even remember I ever said about!
Saktut : Mbokdek, boleh Saktut minta buku barbienya ga?
Me : Gak boleh. Itu nanti mau Mbokdek kasi buat anak-anaknya Mbokdek.
Then she told my mother what I said. And they laughed. I mean, those books are rare. I bought it when I was in elementary school, I even bought it on my old Elementary School and now the store has closed. So, it was rare and even myself feel sorry for using it and now my sister asking me to give it to her? That statement was out automatically and my sister still brought that up sometimes-_-
I AM thinking about having a family. But I don't want them to become my barrier of chasing my dreams. My dad scares me with the sentence, "when you were married, you will think twice about continuing your study, about sacrificing your children future over your carrier. In the end, you will have to choose." and I don't think I can choose now. I want to have both because I've seen people that could have both. But once again, I should remember that I couldn't have the best of both. Uh, unless I am Hannah Montana or something.
Me myself even don't think that I could make it. Every once in a while I keep changing my dreams. But one that never goes from my mind, that I wanted to have a business in fashion industries. Not many people know that I once wanted to be a designer but than I realized that I couldn't draw. And that my parents will not allow me to enter fashion academy. Oh, I always wanted to be a Minister. I always have. But in this point of my life, I don't think that is possible. I am such a quitter. Not to mention that I am such a pessimistic too. I see many young people at my age has already give real impact to the world while I am here sleeping and typing about my dreams without any realization. I am ashamed, and demotivated. Others might see that as a trigger for themselves but not for me. I am thinking that I am nothing compared to them. I feel that I have nothing to be proud of while sometimes I am satisfied with the accomplishment that I had, when in real life........da aku mah apa atuh cuma remahan boncabe di sela-sela gigi:')
And I just finished reading a book. Like some kind of mini-biography from an owner of a well-known teenage magazine in the country. She told about her struggle during the beginning year of her start-up. Before this I always thought that she was born rich, that she has no difficulties running the business. But she proved me wrong. She came from an average family. She wrote that she once have a luxurious life when she was very young but she didn't remember any because she only remember that when she was growing up, she live in average living and she has to work on something if she had something to ask.
Remind me of my self. I remember that I also once have a luxurious live when I was little (riding a Mercy, wearing Kuta Kids clothes, having a Baloon dress) but then I don't know since when but I was growing up having an average living. Means that I didn't get Barbie dolls everytime I wanted to; I have to had a good grade first or save money that my Grandmother gave me, my father picks me up from school riding a motorcycle. I even remember that when I was a kid, I have to share 1 cup of Baskin-Robin ice cream with my brother and sister. I know it doesn't mean that my parents couldn't afford it; they just taught us to be able to share and not being greedy. Even until now, when we have our own cup, we still share because we would like to taste different flavors and we love sharing-even I still mad if I caught my sister wearing my clothes :p
I don't know since when but I think it all started when my father has a job. At first, it was only my mom who worked and I think she worked at an accounting firm because from the stories she told, she's being paid well enough back then. I think when my father has a job, we started to live by our own (I mean, my father and mother did). Because if I am not mistaken, before that, my Grandparents supplies our need and that is why I could live luxuriously, because indeed, my grandparents were rich. And they are generous (well, which grandparents aren't?) Oh, I remember my brother once wanted a fancy bicycle that looks like motorcycle. My brother have seen this bicycle for a long time, but my mom only keep promising "later" and one day he asked my granddad and then booya! my granddad directly bought my brother that bicycle. It made my mom furious, she is telling my granddad not to buy him anything and I remember what she said, "It's not that I can't afford him that bicycle. But I want to teach him a lesson to be patient and to understand that we should work if we want something. I don't want you to spoil him because, yes, now I can buy him these toys he is asking for. But what is he keep asking for toys and someday I couldn't help to afford?" Then my granddad nod and stay silence. (note to self: don't left your child with your parents because they will spoil your kids)
I wish I could raise my kids in the right way later on. Not only in term or raising children, I wish I could do all the things in the right way, I wish I still have my idealism. A friend of mine twice said that I am too visionnare. My dad's too. He always told me to take one step at a time but I couldn't have myself to jump-or worse, to see that there will be barrier three steps ahead and that what's keep me from taking one. I am afraid of all the what-if scenarios on my mind. Until my father said, "It is okay if you eventually cannot reached your short-term goal. Remember, one step before another. Kalaupun memang bener-bener ga bisa, at least you already have a good work with good salaries. Your live will be safe. (and flat, and monotone-I add) Kita berbicara berdasarkan asumsi. Kalau asumsi-asumsi itu berubah, maka langkah yang kita ambil yang diubah. Visi tetap sama, misi yang berbeda.". I also think that even I wanted to be different, I always have the same goal on my mind: to be a better people, to give value for others, and in a larger scale, to change my country into a better place for living-mentally and physically.
Merdeka!-
Sandya
